Look, I realize that every Slayer comes with an expiration mark on the package. But I want mine to be a long time from now. Like a Cheeto. If there were just a few good descriptions of what took out the other Slayers, maybe it would help me to understand my mistake, to keep it from happening again.
Giles [uncomfortable with the topic]: Yes, well, the problem is after a final battle, it's difficult to get any... well, the Slayer's not... she's rather...
It's OK to use the D-word, Giles.
GilesDead. And hence, not very forthcoming.
Why didn't the Watchers keep fuller accounts of it? The journals just stop.
Giles
Well, I suppose if they're anything like me they just find the whole subject too--
Unseemly? Damn, love ya, but you Watchers are such prigs sometimes.
Giles
Painful, I was going to say. [Giles and Buffy are very quiet for a moment] But you're right; accounts of the final battles would be very helpful. But there's no one left to tell the tales.
[Buffy has a sudden revelation]
Giles
What?
[Anya is looking over the day's receipts]
Giles
Anya, your "heys" are startling the customers.
And pretty much the state!
You sold somebody a Kohl's amulet and a Sobekian bloodstone!
Giles
Yes, I believe I did.
Are you stupid or something?
Giles
Allow me to answer that question with a firing.
She's kidding. An, we talked about the employee-employer vocabulary no-nos. That was number five.
Well, I get to run the store, right?
Giles
[alarmed] You? Ah, w-well, it's quite a lot for one person to take care of.
...
We can come by between classes. Usually I use that time to copy over my class notes with a system of different colored pens, but it's been pointed out to me that that's, you know, insane.
...
Giles
Um, Anya, while, while I completely trust you uh, uh, to take care of the inventory and the money, um ... dealing with people requires a certain, uh ... finesse.
[angrily] I have finesse! I have finesse coming out of my bottom! I can completely lie to the health inspector. I can, you know, distract him with coy smiles, and-and bribe him with money and goods.
See there? She'll be great.
Don't worry, Giles. I'll help her take care of everything. It'll be ship-shape. Better, it'll be shop-shape.
Giles
I cringe to think what the place would have looked like if I'd been away for longer than three days.
Well, maybe we would have had time to clean it up. You know, if Willow used some magicks to help.
Giles
Yes, 'cause nothing could possibly go wrong with that.
I've had a lot of people talking at me the last few days. Everyone just lining up to tell me how unimportant I am. And I've finally figured out why. Power. I have it. They don't. This bothers them. Glory ... came to my home today.
Giles
[alarmed] Buffy, are you-
Just to talk. She told me I'm a bug, I'm a flea, she could squash me in a second. Only she didn't. She came into my home, and we talked. We had what in her warped brain probably passes for a civilized conversation. Why? Because she needs something from me. Because I have power over her. You guys didn't come all the way from England to determine whether or not I was good enough to be let back in. You came to beg me to let you back in. To give your jobs, your lives some semblance of meaning.
...
You're Watchers. Without a Slayer, you're pretty much just watchin' Masterpiece Theater. You can't stop Glory. You can't do anything with the information you have except maybe publish it in the Everyone Thinks We're Insane-O's Home Journal. So here's how it's gonna work. You're gonna tell me everything you know. Then you're gonna go away. You'll contact me if and when you have any further information about Glory. The magic shop will remain open. Mr. Giles will stay here as my official Watcher, reinstated at full salary...
Giles
[coughing] Retroactive.
Giles
A fourteen-year-old is too old to be babysat, it's not fair to her.
Giles
Well, we listened to aggressively cheerful music sung by people chosen for their ability to dance, and we ate cookie dough and talked about boys.
[laughs] Oh, I'm sorry. I'm very, very sorry, but if it makes you feel any better, my fun-time Buffy party night involved watching a robot throw Spike through a window. So if you wanna trade... No wait, I wouldn't give that memory up for anything.
Giles
Robot? Sounds interesting.
We're gonna work on it in the morning, I mean, unless you want to stay for a while, and then you and I could-
Who wants to hear everything?
...listen to my Mom talk about boys.
Giles
Right. Must go. See you tomorrow. Bye Joyce.
[recounting her date with Brian] Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
I dunno, I was standing right here. I didn't see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a goodnight kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
Well, I suppose by your standards it would seem pretty... Oh, dear.
I left my bra in his car.
Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
[playfully] I left it in the restaurant.
[running upstairs, hands over her ears] No more! No more! No more!
[calling upstairs] On the dessert cart!
[faintly, off screen] I can't hear you!
I think we're just about ready for pie.
And then I'll be pretty much ready for barf.
You know, barf from the eating. 'Cause all was good and too much goodness.
I'm taking it as a compliment.
Giles
Yes, everything was delicious.
Yes. I'm going to barf, too.
How you doin' there, Will? Are you in the vomit club, too?
[groans] I had too much nog.
Oh, baby. Want me to rub your tummy? She likes it when I... uh, s-stop explaining things.
My nog tastes funny. I think I got one with rum in it.
Yeah! Now Santa's gonna pass you right by! Naughty boozehound.
Santa always passes me by. Something puts him off. Could be the big honkin' menorah.
...
I mean, it's a myth that it's a myth. There is a Santa Claus.
The advantage of having a thousand-year-old girlfriend. Inside scoop.
Mm-hmm. Been around since, like, the 1500s. But he wasn't always called Santa. But with, you know, Christmas night, flying reindeer, coming down the chimney -- all true.
Well, he doesn't traditionally bring presents so much as, you know, disembowel children. But otherwise...
The reindeer part was nice.
[about a ritual] So, how's it start?
Giles
I, uh, jump out of the circle and I jump back in it and then um, I shake my gourd.
I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were next called upon to do the hokey pokey and turn themselves around!
Giles
[affecting annoyance] Go quest.
...
[Giles sighs, then reluctantly jumps out of the circle, jumps back in, and shakes his gourd.]
And that's what it's all about.
Giles
Quite extraordinary, really.
Thank you. But I really think we should be listening to the other Buffy, Guiles. [She pronounces it with a hard G, like "guy."] She's very smart and she's gonna help us save Spike.
Giles
"Guiles?!" [turns to address the real Buffy] Spike didn't even bother to program my name properly!
[to the Buffybot] Listen, skirt girl, we're not going to save him. We're going to kill him. He knows who the Key is, and there's no way he's not telling Glory.
You're right. He's evil. But you should see him naked! I mean really!
[laughs sarcastically] Oh, I get it. That's very crafty. [nods] Glory's worked the kind of mojo where anyone who sees her little presto-change-o instantly forgets. And yours truly, being somewhat other than human ... stands immune.
[frowning.] So ... Ben and Glory ... are-are the same person?
[slowly, like a revelation] Glory can turn into Ben, and Ben turns back into Glory.
And anyone who sees it instantly forgets.
[sigh of relief] Kewpie doll for the lady.
Giles
Excellent. Now. Do we suspect there may be some kind of connection between Ben and Glory?
Buffy the Vampire Slayer · 894 quotes
