Cordelia Chase quotes from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Cordelia

I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side. You know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

Cordelia

I don't know what to say. It was really, I mean, one minute you're in your normal life, and then who's in the fridge? It really gets to you, a thing like that. It was... Let's just say I haven't been able to eat a thing since yesterday. I think I lost, like, 7.5 ounces, way swifter than that so-called diet that quack put me on. Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day, just so I can lose weight, I'm just saying when tragedy strikes, we have to look on the bright side, you know? Like, how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.

Xander

I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's not like you're in love with him, right? [Buffy looks away] You're in love with a vampire?! What are you, outta your mind?

Cordelia

What?!?

Xander

[to Cordelia] Not 'vampire' ... [to Buffy] How could you love an umpire? Everyone hates 'em!

But has Shylock suffered? What's his place in Venice society?

Willow

Well, everyone looked down on him.

Cordelia

That is such a twinkie defense. Shylock should get over himself. People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.

Cordelia

So, are you saying she's invisible because she's so unpopular?

Buffy

That about sums it up.

Cordelia

Bummer for her. It's awful to feel that lonely.

Buffy

Hmm. So you've read something about the feeling?

Cordelia

Hey! You think I'm never lonely because I'm so cute and popular? I can be surrounded by people and be completely alone. It's not like any of them really know me. I don't even know if they like me half the time. People just want to be in a popular zone. Sometimes when I talk, everyone's so busy agreeing with me, they don't hear a word I say.

Buffy

Well, if you feel so alone, then why do you work so hard at being popular?

Cordelia

Well, it beats being alone all by yourself.

Giles

The vampires?

Cordelia

Gone.

Angel

The Master?

Giles

Dead. The Hellmouth is closed. Buffy? Buffy?

Buffy

Um, sorry. It's just... been a really weird day.

Xander

Yeah. Buffy died and everything.

Willow

Wow. Harsh.

Giles

I should've known that wouldn't stop you.

Jenny

Well, what do we do now?

Giles

I don't know about the rest of you, but I'd like to get out of this place. I don't like the library very much anymore.

Xander

Hey, I hear there's a dance at the Bronze tonight. Could be fun.

Cordelia

Yeah.

Willow

Buffy?

Buffy

Sure. We saved the world. I say we party. I mean, I got all pretty.

Jenny

What about him?

Buffy

He's not going anywhere. Loser.

Giles

I'm not dancing, though.

Jenny

We'll see. You can come with us, though.

Xander

So, what's the story with the car?

Cordelia

Oh, that was me.

Buffy

I'm really, really hungry.

Willow

[laughing]

Angel

By the way, I really like your dress.

Buffy

Yeah, yeah. It's a big hit with everyone.

Cordelia

Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

Buffy

[to Xander] Was that an insult?

Xander

Kinda lacked punch.

Willow

The Three Musketeers were cool.

Cordelia

I see your point.

Xander

I woulda gone with Stooges.

Cordelia

Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?

Willow

Uh, yes! Our own personal demons.

Xander

Uh, such as, as, as lust and, uh, thrift!

Buffy

I would have to go with Stooges also.

Cordelia

Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?

Buffy

As defending champion, you nervous?

Cordelia

[scoffs] I can hold my own. You know, we've never really been close which is good cause I don't really like you that much. But you have been known to save the world on occasion, so I'm going to give you a piece of advice.

Buffy

Which is?

Cordelia

Get over it.

Buffy

Excuse me?

Cordelia

Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it. 'Cause pretty soon you're not even gonna have the loser friends you've got now.

Cordelia

What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?

Jenny

What?

Cordelia

It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.

Jenny

Yeah that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat. The stains.

Willow

Angel stopped by? Wow, was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?

Buffy

Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.

Xander

Yeah, some stuff's about groping. It wasn't about groping?

Buffy

Okay, hormones on parade here, it was pure shop talk. Remember vampires? Pointy teeth? They walk by night? Am I ringing a bell?

Willow

What did he say?

Buffy

Oh, something's up. Nothing I can't handle.

Xander

Oh, hey, did you guys hear that Cibo Matto's gonna be at the Bronze tonight?

Willow

Cibo Matto? They're playing?

Xander

No, Willow. They're gonna be clog dancing.

Willow

Cibo Matto can clog dance? Oh, sarcasm. Right.

Xander

We should attend, no?

Cordelia

Oh, look, it's the Three Musketeers.

Buffy

[to Xander] Was that an insult?

Xander

It kind of lacked punch.

Willow

The Three Musketeers were cool.

Cordelia

I see your point.

Xander

I would've gone with Stooges.

Cordelia

Well, I just meant that you guys always hang out together. So, did you guys fight any demons this summer?

Willow

Uh, yes, our own personal demons.

Xander

Uh, such as-as-as lust and, um, thrift.

Buffy

I would have to go with Stooges, also.

Cordelia

What are you guys talking about? I'm talking about big, squiggly demons that came from the ground? Remember? Prom night? With all the vampires?

Buffy

Cordelia? Your mouth is open. Sound is coming from it. This is never good.

Xander

No, it's... See, we can't mention that stuff in front of other people. Buffy being the Slayer and all.

Willow

You haven't been talking about our little adventure all summer, have you?

Cordelia

Are you nuts? You think I would tell people that I spent the whole evening with you? Besides, it was all so creepy. That Master guy and all the screaming? I don't even like to think about it. So... your secret's safe with me.

Buffy

Well, that works out great. You won't tell everyone that I'm a Slayer, and I won't tell anyone you're a moron.

Xander

Now, that was a good insult.

Willow

A little too good.

Cordelia

What's up with her?

Cordelia

What an ordeal. And you know what the worst part is?

Jenny

Hmm?

Cordelia

It stays with you forever. No matter what they tell you, none of that rust and blood and grime comes out. I mean, you can dry-clean till Judgment Day, you are living with those stains.

Jenny

Yeah, that's the worst part of being hung upside down by a vampire who wants to slit your throat-- the stains.

Cordelia

I hear you.

Buffy

I don't think I can face them.

Giles

Hmm? Of course you can.

Buffy

I can't. What am I supposed to say? "Sorry I almost got your throats slit. What's the homework?"

Giles

Punishing yourself like this is pointless.

Buffy

It's entirely pointy. I was a moron. I put my best friends in mortal danger on the second day of school.

Giles

What are you gonna do, crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?

Buffy

Would it have cable?

Giles

Buffy, you acted wrongly, I admid that, but believe me, that was hardly the worst mistake you'll ever make. That wasn't quite as comforting as it was meant to be.

Buffy

Well, points for effort. I'll see you.

Xander

Well, I guess that makes it official. Everybody's paired off. Vampires get dates. Hell, even the school librarian sees more action than me. You ever think that the world is a giant game of musical chairs, and the music's stopped and we're the only ones who don't have a chair?

Willow

All the time.

Cordelia Chase

Xander? I just wanted to thank you for saving my life. What you did in there was really brave and heroic, and I just wanted to tell you if there was anything that I could ever do to...

Xander

Do you mind? We're talking here.

Xander

So where were we?

Willow

Wondering why we never get dates.

Xander

Yeah, so why do you think that is?

Cordelia

You did it. You saved us. I've never been so happy to see anyone in my whole. You guys. I just... hate you guys. The weirdest things always happen when you around. And you, you're going to jail for 15,000 years.

Buffy

I told one lie. I had one drink.

Giles

Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.

Buffy

I'm sorry.

Giles

So am I. I... I drive you too hard because I know what you have to face. From now on, no-no more pushing, no more prodding. Just, um, an inordinate amount of nudging.

Buffy

Angel's a vampire, I thought you knew.

Cordelia

Oh, he's a vampire! Of course! But the cuddly kind, like a Care Bear with fangs.

Willow

It's true.

Cordelia

You know what I think? I just think you're trying to scare me off 'cause you're afraid of the competition. Look, Buffy, you may be hot stuff when it comes to demonology or whatever, but when it comes to dating, I'm the Slayer.

Cordelia

I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed ...

Xander

I think you mean oppressed.

Cordelia

Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!