Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Terry

[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.

Jake

Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Terry

[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.

Boyle

My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Terry

It's not supposed to.

Jake

Trunk to skunk?

Gina

Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Terry

Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.

Diaz

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Jake

Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

Terry

That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!

Amy

And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Terry

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Gina

Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.

Diaz

Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

Boyle

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?

Jake

Now playing: Scrotal Recall!

Terry

I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.

Jake

Did you tell her we slept together twice?

Terry

Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]

Jake

Do you know what a present is, Terry?

Terry

I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.

Jake

[as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!

Terry

Come here.

Jake

I hate being friends with you!

Jake

Oh, hey there, Captain! Do you happen to know what day today is?

Holt

Well, based on the fact that yesterday was the birthday of legendary Dutch flautist Frans Brüggen, and a week ago was October 24th, I'd say today is-

Jake

It's Halloween. Just say it's Halloween.

Holt

It's Halloween.

Jake

All right, and what happened last Halloween?

Holt

Oh, I listened to the CD I bought the night before the Frans Brüggen birthday concert.

Jake

Please stop saying Brüggen.

Holt

Last year, you bet me you could steal my Medal of Valor. And you did. Consequently, I was forced to do your paperwork for a week, and to say words I thought I'd never have to say.

Holt

Jake Peralta is an amazing detective/genius.

Jake

But now it's time for round two of our Halloween bet. This year I believe I'll make things more difficult for myself. Let's say, what, I'll steal the watch right off your wrist.

Holt

Or, we could just not do it at all this year.

Jake

Sir, with all due respect: C'mon, homie!

Holt

It's not worth all the trouble. Just so you might call me an amazing captain/genius, and give me one week of overtime for free.

Jake

All right, fine. I'll double the overtime. I'll triple it! I'll quadruple it! I will five-druple it! I'll five-druple the overtime! Got his attention. He's coming back to me.

Holt

Just to clarify: if you steal my watch by midnight, I will do your paperwork for a week, but if you fail, you will give me five weeks of overtime for free.

Jake

Correct.

Holt

I'm doing a cost-benefit analysis in my head. The benefits outweigh the costs- we have reached an accord.

Jake

Accords!

Jake

Well done. But I do have to ask: those guys at the impound- did they really smash my car?

Holt

No. In fact, I had them wash it.

Jake

Good one, Captain! You can't "wash a car". So how'd you convince the whole squad to betray me? What'd you offer them?

Holt

I asked them if they wanted to embarrass you, and they instantly said yes.

Jake

I'm not gonna lie, that turns me on a little bit.

Holt

Mm-hmm. So in addition to the five weeks of free overtime, I believe I'm owed one more thing.

Jake

Yes. Here we go.

Holt

One second.

Jake

Very well. Captain Raymond Holt: you are an amazing police captain/genius. But be warned: I started planning next year's heist just this minute!

Holt

Good. Then you're only three months behind.

Jake

You played me?!

Holt

Like Frans Brüggen plays the flute.

Jake

Okay, I could get in a lot of trouble for this. But the big secret about Captain Holt is...

Holt

[Steps into view] ...That I have a flair for the dramatic. Look behind you, Madeline.

Jake

We're actually in front of you. That's my fault. I thought the layout was gonna be different. Didn't know how you guys were gonna be sitting. I took a chance.

Holt

Miller may be in Internal Affairs, but he wasn't here on official business. You sent him to spy on us. That's a flagrant ethics violation, Madeline- and it could sink you.

Fine. You're right. But you can't prove that. It's just your word against mine.

Jake

Ooh, actually, it's your word against you. Pardon me- [Picks up the flash drive he'd given to Miller] I put a recording device in this dope drive, so, I got your whole conversation.

Holt

You're going to leave my precinct and my task force alone. Or else, you're... Wuntch meat.

Jake

You sure you wanna go with that one?

Holt

Absolutely. It's hilarious.

Jake

Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry

Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake

All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake

That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt

It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt

I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake

It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake

There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy

I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy

...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt

[claps] HOT DAMN!

Jake

Hello, District Attorney Kurm. I got lucky last night.

That's great. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.

Jake

Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?

Terry

Did he get a murderer off who then murdered him to celebrate?

Yup. Anyway, Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.

Jake

"Replaced"? He should be put down! Like a horse! So who's the new sub-human piece of human garbage?

Sophia Perez.

Jake

Oh, God.

Jake

Full disclosure, your Honor. Last night Miss Perez and I got inebriated and we had colitis.

Colitis?

Coitus.

Jake

Yeah, that.

A cop and a defense attorney sleeping together? That's highly unusual.

Jake

At the time I did not know she was a defense attorney. I should have been able to guess, however, based on her ability to lie all over me.

Ha ha! Oh, cop's attempt to be clever. It's like watching a horse trying to eat with a fork.

Jake

Majestic and hilarious? Take a cold shower, horn-dog, we're at work! But in all seriousness, your honor, I do think she should recuse herself from the trial.

Why? You think I might tell everyone in the courtroom that you like to be the little spoon?

Jake

[Defensive] Everyone likes to be the little spoon; it makes you feel safe! Carl, back me up on this.

Yes. Little spoon all the way.

Jake

See?

Look, I am not recusing myself. I talked to my client about it and he is fine with me staying on.

If the defendant is okay with it, and you two can be mature in the courtroom, then I see no reason why we can't proceed.

Jake

Great. I can be mature.

Says the guy who uses a sunglasses case as a wallet.

Jake

Stuff can be two things! Open up your refrigerator, boom! Air conditioner! Life hacked! Carl, back me up.

I mean, it's not very green.

Jake

Oh, Carl.

Amy

Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

Jake

Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat you.

Amy

Beat me at expressing condolences?

Jake

Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. "Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.

Boyle

Very respectful.

Jake

Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!

Amy

Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

Jake

Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

Amy

So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

Jake

Oh, no.

Jake

Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt

"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."

Jake

I was hacked?

Holt

Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.

Jake

You're very welcome.

Holt

I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake

Okay, here's the deal. The HAZMAT guys did some preliminary tests, and the substance is not baking powder.

Oh. Was it Anthrax?

Jake

We don't know yet. But I promise you, as soon as they tell me, you'll be the first to know.

Boyle

Well, second after me, so third overall. Still pretty good.

Jake

I just don't want people to panic. So I'm asking for your help to keep this thing quiet, so we can have the chillest biohazard lockdown in Brooklyn. Yeah?

Of course. I understand.

Jake

Great. Thank you. [The lawyer leaves Captain Holt's office.] See, if you talk to people like humans, they'll be reasonable. I mean, it's just good- oh, why is he standing on that chair?

Hey, everyone! They lied to us! It's friggin Anthrax!

Unh. What happened?

Diaz

You hit your head on the doorway coming in. Got knocked out cold.

Do I have a bruise?

Boyle

Yeah, little one.

Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes. Did we catch all the bad guys?

Jake

Yep, we got 'em.

Yes! Another win for USPIS!

Jake

You're lying in rat turds.

It's all part of the job, little brother. All part of the job.

Jake

Hey, it's me. Please open the door. Come on, let's talk. I'm sorry.

Can I help you?

Jake

Oh, no, you're not Sophia.

Hey, Jake! Over here, man!

Jake

Oh. I'm so sorry, sir, you were a wrong door.

You were a wrong door!

Jake

That's a very angry man! I know what that sounded like at dinner, but I promise, I am not into Amy.

It's not what I heard, Jake. It's what I saw. You should've seen the look on your face when you found out Amy liked you. Gah! Listen to me! "Liked"? I'm an adult! All this "who-likes-who" stuff sounds very high school!

Jake

I know, it's stupid, you're totally right! But the point is, I like you!

Then you're sure you're over Amy?

Jake

Yes! I mean, I didn't knock on Amy's door. I knocked on yours.

Actually, you knocked on his door. And I'm pretty sure he's listening.

No, I'm not! Who's Amy?

Doug Judy

You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.

Jake

How is that even possible? Am I adopted?

Doug Judy

Your mother was very pale. Almost invisible.

Doug Judy

Sup, Peralta! Greetings from paradise! Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It's just a flat egg!

Jake

He pretty much just talks about the omelette for the next ten minutes, but- [Clicks and skips further ahead in the video]

Doug Judy

-about my escape. [Shifts the camera] This is my associate, Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Diaz

Son of a bitch!

Jake

Yeah. And when we ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Doug Judy

Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas! [Jake closes his laptop]

Diaz

Okay, first things first. I swear to you that we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

Jake

I know. We did it once, we can do it again.

Diaz

No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard it was to make that choice and let him get away.

Jake

No, it was an easy choice. I know how much this task force means to you.

Diaz

[Grins] It means so much and it's been so stressful and it went so well! Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling! How do people do this with their faces?