SantiagoIf I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.
Sorry, dude, but this new guy's gonna be a washed-up pencil-pusher who's only concerned with [robot gestures, robotic voice] following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!
[standing right behind Peralta] Is that what you think?
[stands up, turns around, smiles] H-hey! New captain alert! [looks around, laughs awkwardly] You must be the new C.O.! I'm Detective Jake Peralta, great to meet you—
Now don't let me interrupt, you were describing what kind of person I'm going to be. I'd like you to finish.
Nah, that's not necessary. [Holt looks back, stone-faced] Or I could recap, very quickly, sure! Um, let's see, I think I said some joke about you being a washed-out pencil-pusher—
Now do the robot voice. The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I want to hear it again.
[looks around nervously, speaks more quietly, does robot gestures] Um, meep-morp. Zarp. Robot!
That's a terrible robot voice.
The next time I see you I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.
Amy
You wanted to see me, Captain?
Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.
Amy
That's why we do this, sir.
Amy
Uh...
There's a community outreach program that is very important to me. I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Amy
Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with it.
Be more articulate when you speak the children.
Amy
Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
Amy
I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
[Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
Amy
No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
Amy
No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!
God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Amy
Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
I happen to be a very good secondary.
[In a flashback]
Amy
So you were just borrowing those cars?
[Jake starts banging on the one-way glass from outside the interrogation room]
Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!
You talking oldest bags? 68.
Santiago
That's not that old.
20? Were you even a cop then?
No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.
[Everyone is confused for a moment, then Diaz smiles as the penny drops]
Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
DJDiaz, Jake, Santiago
Ew!
God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
She was, actually; that's how I met her.
Santiago
Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]
Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
That is no one's fantasy!
Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]
Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]
No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
[The officers and detectives in the briefing room groan.]
Amy
Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
Some pretty ironclad stuff.
[In a flashback, Jake approaches Dustin Whitman at a magazine stand.]
Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
DDustin
Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]
Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!
[Back in the briefing room.]
[Amy shakes her head and glares.]
If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.
Amy
Damn it, Peralta!
[The officers and detectives groan again and throw some balls of paper at Jake.]
Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.
That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
Got Halbrook to cop to every charge. Nice work, Santiago.
Amy
Thank you, sir. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should get credit for the collar. Have you seen him?
I sent him home. He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
Amy
Yeah, but that caveman kind of had it coming, don't you think? Oh. He didn't tell you.
Amy
Never mind. If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. It's not my place.
I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
Amy
I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.
Amy
Peralta.
Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
Amy
I was born ready.
To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.
Amy
Twist my words all you want.
Amy
I'm winning this bet.
What bet? What're you guys talking about?
Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?
Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?
[Two men have backed a cargo truck up to a building one night and are getting to work as Jake and Amy approach them.]
All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!
MMan
We're kind of busy here.
Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.
Amy
No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.
Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.
Amy
Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!
You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]
Amy
[Gasps] You son of a bitch!
Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! [The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice work.
Amy
You, too.
MMan
I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.
[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]
Whoa. What's with the cast?
Amy Santiago
[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.
[incredulous] Men's field hockey?
Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.
[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.
[He deletes the picture]
No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.
[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?
[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.
My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
Neither does your wife, I guess.
Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!
Amy
And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?
Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?
Uh...alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?
Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.
That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.
I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.
Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.
It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.
I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.
It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.
[Amy enters]
There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!
Amy
I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
Amy
...There was a problem at the bank.
Amy
Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.
Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat you.
Amy
Beat me at expressing condolences?
Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. "Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.
Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!
Amy
Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?
Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.
Amy
So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?
[Jake gets up and hurries to Holt's office.]
Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...
"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."
Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.
I was addressing your stinky butt.
I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.
I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?
[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]
Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.
Amy
What the hell?
Amy
What the hell?!
Amy
What the hell?!
I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
Pretty consistent tone, actually.
[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.
And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.
Go back to being robot, Captain!
Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.
Captain! I'm coming with you.
[The elevator doors open and the new captain of the 99th Precinct walks out and stands in front of the gathered officers and detectives.]
DDozerman
Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.
Could probably just say it once.
DDozerman
Are you making fun of my stutter?
DDozerman
Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.
Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.
DDozerman
And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.
Amy
Oh! Uh, three?
DDozerman
Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. [Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
