I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.
Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".
Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.
TerryOh, come on.
I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.
Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.
I didn't issue a challenge.
Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?
God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
Why would I possibly agree to that?
Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-
-you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.
And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.
I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.
Terry
The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
Why? I'm fine on the stand.
[Cut to a courtroom flashback.]
Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can understand: Man did crime!
[In another courtroom flashback.]
Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
[In a third courtroom flashback.]
And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
JJudge
Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!
So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?
Terry
Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-
That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.
Terry
Why's that important?
Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?
Terry
Fine. What about this guy?
No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed?
Terry
Fine. But what was with the flossing?
A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.
Terry
That punk who hacked us?
Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.
Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.
Terry
But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?
His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.
Terry
Scully.
Terry
I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Terry
Where is it?
Terry
Is it in your pockets?
Terry
I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
Terry
Release! Your! Sweets!
Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?
To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.
Twist my words all you want.
What bet? What're you guys talking about?
Terry
Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?
Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?
Terry
The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !
Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!
Terry
You don't wanna do this, man.
Terry
It hurts you every time.
No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!
[Terry and Jake chest-bump, and Terry effortlessly knocks Jake to the floor.]
Terry
What's my name?
Terry
WHAT IS MY NAME?!
Terry
And what does the Ebony Falcon do?
Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety?
Terry
[Growls]
Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.
Terry
Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits. [Terry leaves]
[Holt enters the Nine Nine to start work. His wrist is in a splint]
Whoa. What's with the cast?
[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?
Don't worry about it, I'm fine.
Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.
No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?
Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.
Terry Jeffords
[incredulous] Men's field hockey?
Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.
[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?
I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.
[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.
I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.
[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?
[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.
[He deletes the picture]
No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.
[On intercom] Hey, Nate, just talking about how you're alive.
Terry
But whose melted torso did we find? [Realizes] Sophia's husband.
Yes! Sophia and Dexter were having an affair, husband found out, Nate killed him. [On intercom] Now I'm telling my friend about how you killed that guy.
Cool motive, still a murder.
[Peralta hooked up to a polygraph machine]
I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.
Terry
Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?
Terry
Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?
Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.
Terry
[Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?
I wanted to work the toughest case we had.
Terry
Why?
Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? [Scoffs]
Terry
Yeah, that's the whole point of it.
Seriously? That seems lame.
Terry
I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]
Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.
TTechnician
That's a lie.
Terry
[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.
Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?
Terry
[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.
My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.
Terry
It's not supposed to.
Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.
Terry
Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.
Neither does your wife, I guess.
Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.
Terry
That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!
And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.
Terry
Anybody else? This is your last chance.
Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.
Guess you won't be manning the tip line.
Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?
Now playing: Scrotal Recall!
[After Jake has managed to prevent Terry from having his vasectomy, and he and Jake are talking in the kitchenette. Earlier, Terry had berated Jake about how unhealthy his eating habits were]
Terry
I just talked to my wife. We're waiting on the operation, everything's cool.
Did you tell her we slept together twice?
Terry
Thanks for taking care of me. I got you a present. [hands him a tupperware filled with carrot batons, with a bow on the lid]
Do you know what a present is, Terry?
Terry
I care about my friends. [takes the tupperware from Jake, and removes the lid] Now eat your carrots, or I'll rip your tiny head off.
[as Terry grabs him in a headlock] No, no, no!
Terry
Come here.
[He begins to force-feed Jake the carrots]
I hate being friends with you!
CDChief Deputy Madeline Wuntch
I've examined his proposal; there's no proof that giggle-pig is a serious problem.
So we're just supposed to wait until it turns into an epidemic? You're like the League of Nations in '36: just hoping the Abyssinia Crisis resolves itself.
That's the lesson you draw from the fall of Addis Ababa? Raymond, you sound so naïve.
And you sound just like Victor Emmanuel III.
Terry
I have no idea who's winning.
Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?
Terry
Uh...alarm didn't go off.
All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?
Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.
That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.
I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.
Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.
It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?
Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.
I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.
It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.
[Amy enters]
There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!
I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.
Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.
...There was a problem at the bank.
Hello, District Attorney Kurm. I got lucky last night.
KKurm
That's great. Gary, the defense attorney, isn't gonna be here.
Oh, is he sore from high-fiving criminals he's gotten out of jail?
Terry
Did he get a murderer off who then murdered him to celebrate?
KKurm
Yup. Anyway, Gary broke his leg, so he's being replaced.
"Replaced"? He should be put down! Like a horse! So who's the new sub-human piece of human garbage?
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
