3rd Grade Michael Hitchcock quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Scully.

Hey there, Sarge.

I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.

Oh, no.

Where is it?

No, I don't!

Is it in your pockets?

Oh, come on!

I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.

[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]

Sarge! Oh, Sarge!

Hitchcock

Go limp, Scully!

This is fun!

Release! Your! Sweets!

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Peralta.

Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?

I was born ready.

To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.

Twist my words all you want.

Okay.

I'm winning this bet.

Hitchcock

What bet? What're you guys talking about?

Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?

Hitchcock

Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?

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Good morning, Boyle.

Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.

After our disagreement yesterday, I went online to read your culinary blogs and scoff. To my dismay, I actually learned something about how food tells a story. So I made Kevin this.

It's warm.

It's a croque monsieur. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris on our first anniversary. It's one of our most treasured memories. I'm sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. So thank you, for your guidance.

[Holt walks back to his office; Boyle watches him, then immediately gets out the croque monsieur and takes a bite, closing his eyes and sighing.]

Hitchcock

Gross, huh?

No. It's perfect! He's a natural chef! Now I know how Salieri felt.

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Hitchcock

Well, well, well. Looks like Charles is out and Hitchcock's in! What do you wanna do tonight? Go to a strip club? Have dinner with my wife?

Are those separate options or does she live at the strip club?

Hitchcock

You wanna know, you gotta go.

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Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.

[A cutaway shows Terry breakdancing in front of a crowd with the silver breakdancer]

Diaz

You beat him in a dance-off?

No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.

[Scully suddenly backs away from his desk while Hitchcock holds a lit road flare over a burning bowl]

Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!

Why are you using a road flare?!

Hitchcock

You said the kitchen was off-limits!

Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Give me that. [takes the road flare]

[Terry knocks the bowl onto the floor and stomps it out. Holt enters and stops in front of him.]

[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.

I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]

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It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.

Because he's the victim. He's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.

Hitchcock

Sure, but what do they want from him?

$10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.

Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.

Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-

Orsk! There it is again!

Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!

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What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!

Diaz

Two tanks. I want a tank, too.

Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!

Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.

What'd you do? What'd you say?

Hitchcock

Nothin', just said welcome back.

And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!

Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!

So long, tank.

"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!

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Diaz

Are they gonna be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords at my desk.

Hitchcock

I have a similar question about browser history.

Just throw your computer away.

Hitchcock

Roger that.

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[The detectives are meeting at a bar after the 99th Precinct was saved at the last minute]

Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".

I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.

BBartender

I told you- you can't be back here.

And I told you- I already am!

What did you do?

I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."

The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!

HTHolt, Terry, Scully, Hitchcock, Amy, Diaz, Boyle

To the Nine-Nine!

[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' contents.]

[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!