Gina Linetti quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Gina

You should make me your campaign manager. I was born for politics! I have great hair and I love lying.

Gina

[Recording] It's Gina's phone, leave me a voicemail. I won't check it 'cause it's not 1993.

Gina

Oh, no. Despite what I've been saying for years, that ass just might quit.

Gina

The only thing I'm not good at is modesty, because I'm great at it.

Diaz

Damn it, that is amazing.

Gina

This is so good I hate it!

Boyle

You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said "bitches", I'm just really worked up.

Holt

So of all the candidates that you interviewed today, who do you think I should hire?

Terry

Well, the interviews got a little off-track. But I'd go with Simon Walker. Computer science degree, worked for the Board of Ed for ten years-

Gina

That guy? No way. He yelled at me when I asked him the same question about Jay-Z three times in a row.

Terry

Why's that important?

Gina

Because whoever takes this I.T. job is gonna have to deal with Hitchcock asking how to log in to his email every single day forever. How do you think Professor Short Fuse is gonna handle that?

Terry

Fine. What about this guy?

Gina

No! He was scared of everything! Do you remember Rosa's reaction the last time the printer jammed?

Terry

Fine. But what was with the flossing?

Gina

A police precinct is a pretty gross place, Ter-Bear. Blood, wounds, Scully's feet. You need a strong stomach, and that lady did not have one. Plus, we have the perfect candidate already: Savant.

Terry

That punk who hacked us?

Gina

Precisely. Captain, turn your greatest weakness into your greatest strength, like Paris Hilton, RE: her sex tape.

Holt

Get to the point.

Gina

Savant tore our walls down, but he can build them back up, taller and thicker than ever.

Terry

But how can we be sure he won't turn on us?

Gina

His mom ratted him out, so I bet he'd love a steady paycheck to get outta that snitch's house. [Laughs] If I had a mike right now, I'd drop it.

Diaz

Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?

Gina

Emotionally? $700 million.

Jake Peralta

Whoa. What's with the cast?

Raymond Holt

I sprained my wrist.

Amy Santiago

[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?

Holt

Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

Peralta

Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

Gina Linetti

He's in a fight club?

Peralta

No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Charles Boyle

Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.

Terry Jeffords

[incredulous] Men's field hockey?

Charles

Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Holt

[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Peralta

Yes.

Holt

I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.

Peralta

[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.

Holt

I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Peralta

[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?

Holt

[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.

Peralta

No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.

Terry

[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.

Jake

Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Terry

[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.

Boyle

My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Terry

It's not supposed to.

Jake

Trunk to skunk?

Gina

Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Terry

Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.

Diaz

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Jake

Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

Terry

That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!

Amy

And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Terry

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Gina

Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.

Diaz

Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

Boyle

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?

Jake

Now playing: Scrotal Recall!

Jake

Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry

Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake

All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake

That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt

It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt

I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake

It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake

There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy

I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy

...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt

[claps] HOT DAMN!

Boyle

Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Diaz

Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

Gina

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

Boyle

No, I don't.

Holt

Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

Boyle

[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Holt

[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

Jake

Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Boyle

Bianca! NOOOOO!

Holt

I'm not going anywhere. Madeline's not some invincible succubus. She's a regular succubus and can be defeated. We just need to find the letter.

Terry

What letter?

Holt

Before our current policy commissioner was hired, a mutual friend told me Madeline wrote a letter to the mayor telling him it was a mistake. She apparently called her now-boss a quote "simpering buffoon" unquote.

Gina

Amateur, always say your insults to someone's face, no paper trail.

Holt

A copy of that letter exists in the mayor's archives. I can't go snooping around without alerting Madeline, so it won't be easy, and we don't have much timeout I need you to find that letter

I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.

Holt

And let him fire you?

I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?

Holt

Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.

Amy

What the hell?

Jake

I don't understand.

Amy

What the hell?!

Boyle

Why are you doing this?

Amy

What the hell?!

Holt

I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.

Jake

Pretty consistent tone, actually.

Holt

[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.

Jake

Oh, no. This is new.

Holt

And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.

Jake

Go back to being robot, Captain!

Holt

Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.

Gina

Captain! I'm coming with you.

Holt

Thank you, Gina.

Scully

I'm also coming!

Holt

Not necessary.

Jake

Seriously, no costume?

Terry

What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?

Boyle

But- you guys always make fun of me!

Gina

I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!

Diaz

Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.

Jake

Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?

Boyle

Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.

Holt

[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?

Boyle

[Already racing back to the elevator] No!

Boyle

A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?

Diaz

Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.

Boyle

But uh- but uh-

Amy

Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?

Jake

No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!

Holt

Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!

Boyle

Yes!

Holt

Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!

Boyle

NO!

Amy

Hey, Gina. Would you do me a favor?

Gina

Yes! Thank you for asking. I did not feel like doing this work right now.

Amy

Oh. Those look like important papers.

Gina

What's up? How can I help?

Amy

Well, when I was a kid, I invented a magnetic flashlight clip so I could read under the covers. This clip and I went all around the world together. The Shire, Sweet Valley High, Terabithia...

Gina

But never to a friend's house, huh?

Amy

Uncalled for. Anyway, I realized that this could be really helpful for police work, so I made an appointment with the head of NYPD purchasing. I need to sell him on it, but I'm afraid I might come across a little... boring.

Gina

[Gasps] Amy, are you asking me to "She's all that" you?

Amy

I didn't read that. But if it's about helping out a friend, then yes, please! "She's all that" me.

Gina

Okay. But if we're gonna do this, we're gonna do it my way. First I'm gonna need to break you down into nothin', and then build you back up piece by piece.

Amy

Well, the meeting's tomorrow.

Gina

Well, we'll just break you down to nothin' and see what time it is.