Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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Listen up, Jake. We just found out Sharon is pregnant and it's way too early to tell anyone. This is a secret. Do you understand me?

Jake

Mm-hmm.

Do you? Do you understand me?! [Grabs and picks up Jake]

Jake

Oh, this got physical very quickly!

This is adult stuff, Jake! Be serious!

Jake

Look, I promise I won't tell anyone, alright? My lips are sealed!

Good.

Jake

Do I even weigh anything to you?

No. It's like holding a couple of grapes.

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JHJeffrey Hoytsman

Okay, it was cocaine. Turns out I was accidentally doing some cocaine.

Jake

Not on accident; you put it in your nose on purpose.

HHoytsman

I don't think I have a nose, Peralta. I most certainly cannot feel it! The defense rests!

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Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

No, I don't.

Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

[Terry restrains Boyle]

Jake

Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Bianca! NOOOOO!

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Jake

Where were you? You were gone for three hours. I know because I sang "This Is How We Do It" 143 times.

HHoytsman

Okay, well, I had to grab a few things at the art supply store. Kidnapping is 90% crafting. Jake, you're gonna help me get my life back. You're gonna confess on video to framing me for everything that got me in trouble.

Jake

And why would I do that?

HHoytsman

Because I'm high on bath salts, emotionally unstable, and pointing a gun at you!

Jake

Let's make a movie!

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I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.

And let him fire you?

I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?

[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]

Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.

What the hell?

Jake

I don't understand.

What the hell?!

Why are you doing this?

What the hell?!

I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.

Jake

Pretty consistent tone, actually.

[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.

Jake

Oh, no. This is new.

And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.

Jake

Go back to being robot, Captain!

Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.

Captain! I'm coming with you.

Thank you, Gina.

Scully

I'm also coming!

Not necessary.

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[The elevator doors open and the new captain of the 99th Precinct walks out and stands in front of the gathered officers and detectives.]

DDozerman

Hello. I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Seth Dozerman. My motto is simple: efficiency, efficiency, efficiency.

Jake

Could probably just say it once.

DDozerman

Are you making fun of my stutter?

Jake

Oh. Uh-

DDozerman

Tricked you! I don't have a stutter. Boom! I've already established my authority through my amazing sense of humor.

Well done, sir. Welcome to the 9-9. I'm Sergeant Terry Jeffords.

DDozerman

And I'm not interested. I have no use for people. I find people weird and confusing. I live my life by numbers. You see this watch? It tells be how many calories I burn at any time. Question- how many calories do you think I burned walking from there to there? [Points from the elevator to where he is standing, then addresses Amy.] You, female closest to me.

Oh! Uh, three?

DDozerman

Three?! Haaaa ha-ha-ha! Try 0.8, numbnuts! I made promises to my superiors that I most certainly cannot keep. That's why I need you idiots to work twice as hard- no, no! Strike that! Four times as hard! No, no no! Strike that! I NEED YOU MORONS TO WORK EIGHT TIMES HARDER THAN YOU'VE EVER WORKED, IN YOUR ENTIRE LIVES! I'm having a heart attack. Yep, I'm havin' a heart attack. [Falls to his knees] Get back to work. [Falls to the floor and passes out.]

Get a doctor!

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[Jake and Amy are on their first date, and the atmosphere is more than a little awkward]

Jake

So, here we are... officially on a date. Romantical date...

Yes, we are. No longer just colleagues... Dating. [pause] You got a haircut. It looks nice.

Jake

Oh, thanks. You also got a haircut... At some point in your life, I'm sure, that's not your baby hair. That would be crazy. But, uh, you look very nice.

Domo Arigato.

Jake

Do you speak Japanese?

No.

Jake

Oh. Uh... Sorry. I think I'm feeling a little awkward.

[somewhat relieved] Yeah, me too.

Jake

How do we make it not weird?

I know - let's just get super drunk.

Jake

Yes! Great idea! [to the waitress] Ma'am, could you please bring us four kamikaze shots?

And four for me as well.

Jake

Ah, I like your style. See, we can do this. We're back on track. We're keeping it light and breezy!

[cut to them in bed together]

Jake

So, we broke a rule.

Yeah. I hope it wasn't a mistake.

Jake

"I hope it wasn't a mistake," title of your sex tape? [gasps] Title of our sex tape!

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Genevieve, I know we just met, and I don't wanna be too forward...

Jake

Charles.

Sometimes you just get a feeling about a person!

Jake

Charles.

I've got that feeling about you. I like you. I think tonight we-

Jake

Charles, look down!

[Boyle looks down and notices Genevieve is wearing handcuffs.]

Oh... shoot.

GGenevieve

They just gave me ten years in prison.

[Genevieve leaves with the escorting police officers; Boyle turns back to Jake.]

Jake

She didn't say no!

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VThe Vulture

You were workin' a case! I frickin' knew it; you're a liar!

MWMadeline Wuntch

And you! You can't do anything except disobey orders and screw up!

BBob

I'm disappointed, too, Ray.

No one cares, Bob. And after all your so-called detective work you didn't even get the right guy! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond-

It was an error, but-

Do not interrupt me! Raymond, Raymond, Raymond, Raymond- seven times, once for every day your juicy, insubordinate ass is suspended.

VThe Vulture

Same goes for you, Peralta, 'cept for the juicy ass part, 'cause your ass is stupid.

Now get the hell outta my office!

[Jake and Holt leave Wuntch's office, but Jake stops once they're outside.]

Jake

Wait a minute, sir. You know what? Screw this!

[Jake confidently goes back into Wuntch's office but comes back seconds later.]

Jake

It's ten days now. Shouldn't have gone back in.

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[After Jake and Holt catch the serial killer known as the Oolong Slayer.]

Thank you, Peralta.

Jake

What're you thanking me for? You're the one who showed up and stopped him from shooting me in my beautiful face.

For giving me one last chance to be a real cop, before going back to a lifetime of- PR drivel.

Jake

Sir, we just caught a serial killer! I've wanted this since I was four years old!

That's troubling.

Jake

We did something special here. I'm honored our names will appear together on the arrest report.

No, no. I think you should take sole credit. Wuntch will only use it to sink me. I'm glad your dream came true, Peralta. Now, if you'll excuse me... the drivel calls.

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[Holt and Gina have been transferred back to the 99th Precinct, and Boyle and Holt are riding the elevator as they come in to work. The doors open and everyone but them is dressed up for Halloween.]

Jake

Seriously, no costume?

What the hell, Charles? Where's your Halloween spirit?

But- you guys always make fun of me!

I have never once insulted you in my life! Especially vis a vis your appearance!

Yeah, man. We always love your costumes.

Jake

Remember last year? When you came as that... person, and/or thing?

Yes! I do remember! [Turns to Holt] Sir. Permission to sprint to my car and get my emergency costume.

[Shrugs] Does it matter if I say no?

[Already racing back to the elevator] No!

[Five minutes later; Boyle is faced away from the doors as the elevator opens, dressed in an Elvis Presley costume.]

A bam-bam, boom! [Turns around dramatically, then walks out of the elevator; everyone is dressed normally.] What the- what-?

Why are you dressed up? You look like an idiot.

But uh- but uh-

Yeah, what're you supposed to be? A sassy car mechanic?

Jake

No! He is clearly the rejected Pop-Tarts mascot, Harry Pop-Tart!

Squad, that's enough. You're making Boyle feel bad on purpose. He's Elvis!

Yes!

Elvis Stojko, the Canadian figure skater!

NO!

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I gotta say, the Chinese know how to make a terrible Scotch.

Jake

They certainly do. Ugh. It's bad. Gets you drunk, though.

Well, I found all the worms. They're eating a fox corpse in the outhouse.

Speaking of which, I'm getting hungry. What's for dinner?

Jake

Dinner? Ha ha ha! Yes! Of course, dinner!

Did you not pack any food?

Jake

There's fresh fox.

Oh, it's not fresh.

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[Jake has called Gina, Terry, Diaz, and Boyle into the break room.]

Jake

Scully has a mason jar full of lemonade.

You called us in here to tell us that?

Jake

No, I called you in here to change your lives! For you see, not five minutes ago, Hitchcock introduced me to his new goldfish, who lives in-

[Looks out the break room window and gasps] An identical mason jar!

Oh... this isn't gonna end well.

Jake

There are two possible outcomes, and we're gonna bet on which one happens first. Will Hitchcock put fish food in Scully's lemonade, or will Scully drink Hitchcock's goldfish? Now, you would think that putting fish food into lemonade-

Hitchcock just drank his own fish.

Jake

What?! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Jake

Hey, Gina! I need a top secret favor. Sharon has come to the precinct and I need your help.

Uh, it better not be pregnancy related, 'cause that crap is nasty.

Jake

The miracle of life?

Dress it up however you want; that's some disgusting animal kingdom nonsense.

Jake

Okay, don't worry about Sharon, I'll take care of her. I've got everything she needs. Pillow, blanket, copy of Breast Feeders magazine, which, now that I say it out loud, sounds like porn. [Flips through the magazine] Yep, it is.

So what do you need me for?

Jake

Keeping Captain Holt away from her. Terry says he gets very awkward near Sharon.

Mm, that's one way to put it.

[In a flashback, Terry and Sharon encounter Holt inside the precinct]

Ah, Sharon, nice to see you! You look so big, like a mighty truck.