Charles Boyle quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Boyle

There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat. Now, please hand me that jar of wolf pee I rub on my kid.

Boyle

You talking oldest bags? 68.

Santiago

That's not that old.

Boyle

Yeah, but I was only 20.

Jake

20? Were you even a cop then?

Boyle

No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.

Diaz

Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

Ew!

Boyle

Yeah, 68, like I said.

Jake

God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?

Boyle

You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-

Jake

No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!

Boyle

She was, actually; that's how I met her.

Santiago

Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]

Boyle

Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!

Jake

That is no one's fantasy!

Jake

I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.

Boyle

Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".

Jake

Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.

Terry

Oh, come on.

Holt

I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.

Jake

Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.

Holt

I didn't issue a challenge.

Jake

Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?

Holt

My Medal of Valor.

Jake

God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.

Holt

Why would I possibly agree to that?

Jake

Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-

Holt

You won't.

Jake

-you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.

Holt

And this won't interfere with you doing your job?

Jake

You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.

Holt

I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.

Jake

All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.

Jake

20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.

Holt

I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?

Jake

I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.

Jake

For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him!

Holt

And that worked?

Jake

No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. And since you're doing all of my paperwork...

Holt

I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.

Jake

Thank you, sir.

Boyle

In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]

Jake

Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.

Holt

Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.

Boyle

Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]

Jake

Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]

Holt

No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.

Amy

Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?

Jake

Some pretty ironclad stuff.

Jake

Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]

Jake

Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!

Jake

Case closed?

Holt

If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.

Amy

Damn it, Peralta!

Holt

Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.

Jake

But?

Holt

That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.

Diaz

Damn it, that is amazing.

Gina

This is so good I hate it!

Boyle

You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said "bitches", I'm just really worked up.

Jake

It's good to see you, Sal. I'm so sorry about the fire.

I can't believe it's gone, Jakey. All of it. The pizza oven. The first dollar bill I ever made. The 7-Up fridge.

Jake

Hey, it's gonna be all right. You'll rebuild.

The Fire Department's been asking a lot of questions.

Jake

Oh, Fire Department questions. Let me guess: "What part of my face do I put food in? How do you count to one? What's air?"

They think I torched my own place. You know I wouldn't do something like that, right?

Jake

Yeah, of course. But can you think of anybody who might've done it?

I can think of ten pizzerias that want me out of the game. That jerk Mario comes to mind. We share a delivery radius.

Boyle

Mario is number ten overall in Brooklyn, and rising fast. He might've wanted to move up the ladder.

Jake

Of one foodie weirdo's personal pizza email blast?

Boyle

Yeah.

Jake

Okay, we'll start with him. Then we'll move on to the rest of your competition, see if anything suspicious turns up.

Boyle

It'll be the perfect opportunity to update my rankings. Can we stop at home for a pizza bib?

Jake

No, Charles, we gotta go fast.

Boyle

Right, right, I'll just use my work bib.

Jake

No, no bib! We're gonna solve this for you, Sal. Sit tight.

Jake Peralta

Whoa. What's with the cast?

Raymond Holt

I sprained my wrist.

Amy Santiago

[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?

Holt

Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

Peralta

Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

Gina Linetti

He's in a fight club?

Peralta

No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Charles Boyle

Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.

Terry Jeffords

[incredulous] Men's field hockey?

Charles

Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Holt

[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Peralta

Yes.

Holt

I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.

Peralta

[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.

Holt

I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Peralta

[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?

Holt

[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.

Peralta

No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.

Terry

[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.

Jake

Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Terry

[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.

Boyle

My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Terry

It's not supposed to.

Jake

Trunk to skunk?

Gina

Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Terry

Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.

Diaz

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Jake

Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

Terry

That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!

Amy

And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Terry

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Gina

Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.

Diaz

Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

Boyle

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?

Jake

Now playing: Scrotal Recall!

Jake

Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry

Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake

All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake

That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt

It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt

I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake

It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake

There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy

I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy

...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt

[claps] HOT DAMN!

Amy

Captain Holt's uncle passed away. They weren't close, but I wanted to do something.

Jake

Flowers are an interesting choice, Santiago. But I can still beat you.

Amy

Beat me at expressing condolences?

Jake

Yup- it's on! Flowers are a gift, and Captain Holt hates gifts. I think a thoughtful email is the way to go here. [Gets out his cell phone] "Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss." Group sentiment, very meaningful. "Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Selfless act.

Boyle

Very respectful.

Jake

Correct. I am the king of respectfulness, bitches!

Amy

Hey, did you send that from your personal or work account?

Jake

Personal. It's a personal matter, involving a personal friend and his personal uncle.

Amy

So you remembered to turn off your signature, right?

Jake

Oh, no.

Jake

Hey, Captain, I just sent you an email, uh...

Holt

"Dear Captain, we were all so sorry for your loss. Please let us know if there's anything we can do." Sent from, "My Stinky Butt."

Jake

I was hacked?

Holt

Thank you for the email. It means a lot to me.

Jake

You're very welcome.

Holt

I was addressing your stinky butt.

Jake

Okay, here's the deal. The HAZMAT guys did some preliminary tests, and the substance is not baking powder.

Oh. Was it Anthrax?

Jake

We don't know yet. But I promise you, as soon as they tell me, you'll be the first to know.

Boyle

Well, second after me, so third overall. Still pretty good.

Jake

I just don't want people to panic. So I'm asking for your help to keep this thing quiet, so we can have the chillest biohazard lockdown in Brooklyn. Yeah?

Of course. I understand.

Jake

Great. Thank you. [The lawyer leaves Captain Holt's office.] See, if you talk to people like humans, they'll be reasonable. I mean, it's just good- oh, why is he standing on that chair?

Hey, everyone! They lied to us! It's friggin Anthrax!

Unh. What happened?

Diaz

You hit your head on the doorway coming in. Got knocked out cold.

Do I have a bruise?

Boyle

Yeah, little one.

Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes. Did we catch all the bad guys?

Jake

Yep, we got 'em.

Yes! Another win for USPIS!

Jake

You're lying in rat turds.

It's all part of the job, little brother. All part of the job.

Holt

Good morning, Boyle.

Boyle

Oh, good morning, Captain Holt.

Holt

After our disagreement yesterday, I went online to read your culinary blogs and scoff. To my dismay, I actually learned something about how food tells a story. So I made Kevin this.

Boyle

It's warm.

Holt

It's a croque monsieur. Kevin and I shared one on a rainy afternoon in Paris on our first anniversary. It's one of our most treasured memories. I'm sure it's not up to your standards, but Kevin seemed to enjoy it. So thank you, for your guidance.

Hitchcock

Gross, huh?

Boyle

No. It's perfect! He's a natural chef! Now I know how Salieri felt.

Boyle

Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Diaz

Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

Gina

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

Boyle

No, I don't.

Holt

Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

Boyle

[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Holt

[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

Jake

Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Boyle

Bianca! NOOOOO!