Doug Judy quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?

Doug Judy

The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!

Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.

Doug Judy

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!

You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?

Doug Judy

Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!

Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?

Doug Judy

Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!

View quote →

Doug Judy

You're like a son to me. A white, crispy son.

How is that even possible? Am I adopted?

Doug Judy

Your mother was very pale. Almost invisible.

View quote →

[After getting away a second time, Doug Judy has sent Jake a recorded video]

Doug Judy

Sup, Peralta! Greetings from paradise! Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It's just a flat egg!

He pretty much just talks about the omelette for the next ten minutes, but- [Clicks and skips further ahead in the video]

Doug Judy

-about my escape. [Shifts the camera] This is my associate, Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Son of a bitch!

Yeah. And when we ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Doug Judy

Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas! [Jake closes his laptop]

Okay, first things first. I swear to you that we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

I know. We did it once, we can do it again.

No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard it was to make that choice and let him get away.

No, it was an easy choice. I know how much this task force means to you.

[Grins] It means so much and it's been so stressful and it went so well! Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling! How do people do this with their faces?

View quote →

Doug Judy

Peralta, it's no coincidence you're on this ship. You won a free cruise without entering a contest; how do you think that happened?

I don't know. Maybe it's because I bought Speed 2 on DVD and the internet figured out that cruises are one of my interests!

Doug Judy

Great film. Sandy B. in a sarong. [He and Jake bump fists] But the tics are all me. I brought you here because I'm in peril.

Pfft. Peril.

Doug Judy

Don't "Pfft" my peril!

Pfft.

Doug Judy

Somebody's tryin' to kill me, and I need protection. So I sent for my best friend.

I am not your best friend. I'm your worst enemy! Get that through your head!

Doug Judy

[To Amy] It's this kind of bickering that makes us such an adorable couple.

Whatever, Judy! You're under arrest!

Doug Judy

You can't arrest me, boo! We're in international waters. Which is why I can smoke as much weed as I want. Welcome, to the high seas.

No. No way that that's true. Amy, tell me I can arrest him right now.

Amy

Judy's right, we have no jurisdiction. Technically this boat flies under the flag of Uzbekistan.

Doug Judy

Uh-oh! Your girl knows about the Uzbeks!

Amy

But the captain can have him arrested; he has total authority on this boat.

Perfect; captains love me. Just wait until he or she finds out they're employing a criminal.

[Cut to the three of them standing out on deck with the captain.]

OCaptain Orleans

Yeah, about forty percent of the crew are criminals.

View quote →

[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, has escaped from the cruise ship to a small motorboat after Jake saved Judy's life.]

Doug Judy

Peralta! Sorry to do this to you, man. I saw an opening and I had to take it. I can't go to jail! I'm too cool!

You'll never get away from me, Judy!

Doug Judy

I can't hear what you're saying; you're real far away. I'll just assume you're finally admitting we're best friends.

No, that's not what I'm saying!

Doug Judy

Thank you! It means a lot to me. Enjoy the rest of your cruise! Just remember; you got a fine lady, don't be a tang in the mud! Check your pockets! [Jake does, pulling out a cabin access card] Boom-boom stateroom, baby!

[To Amy] Awesome. [To Judy] But this isn't over! I will hunt you to the ends of the earth!

Doug Judy

I love you, too! I'm so proud of us for being able to say it! What're you still standing there for? Go smush!

[Doug Judy steers the motorboat away from the cruise ship.]

View quote →

[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, and his foster brother George have Jake and Holt at gunpoint.]

What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!

Doug Judy

I don't know why you thought that.

Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls!

GJGeorge Judy

So bro, you friends with this cop?

Doug Judy

No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.

"Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in to defend me.

Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.

Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?

GJGeorge Judy

So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, right?

Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie!

Doug Judy

Shoot 'im.

No, no, no! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!

[George Judy pulls the trigger, but his pistol dry-fires.]

GJGeorge Judy

The hell?

[Doug Judy slams his pistol into his foster brother's head, knocking him out.]

Doug Judy

Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.

View quote →

I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.

Doug Judy

So I'm a free man?

[Nods] Mm.

[Doug Judy leans back and takes in his first breath as a free man.]

Doug Judy

Nope. Still smells the same.

I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we were chasing.

Doug Judy

Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.

Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.

Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.

Doug Judy

Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder convertible.]

Gertie?

Doug Judy

Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.

Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-

Doug Judy

Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.