Scenes with Scully 8
Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
ScullyYou got it.
I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
[Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!
God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
Scully
Hey there, Sarge.
I know you got a secret stash of food hidden somewhere.
Scully
Oh, no.
Scully
No, I don't!
Scully
Oh, come on!
I'm gonna shake it outta your pockets. Turn around.
[Terry picks up Scully, turns him upside down, and starts shaking him.]
Scully
Sarge! Oh, Sarge!
Scully
This is fun!
Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.
[A cutaway shows Terry breakdancing in front of a crowd with the silver breakdancer]
You beat him in a dance-off?
No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.
[Scully suddenly backs away from his desk while Hitchcock holds a lit road flare over a burning bowl]
Scully
Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!
Why are you using a road flare?!
You said the kitchen was off-limits!
Scully
Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.
Give me that. [takes the road flare]
[Terry knocks the bowl onto the floor and stomps it out. Holt enters and stops in front of him.]
[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.
I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]
Scully
It's interesting. This Orsk guy's name keeps cropping up in this case.
Because he's the victim. He's the guy whose window was smashed with this rock. Okay? He's being extorted for $10,000.
Sure, but what do they want from him?
$10,000. I just said that. We're trying to figure out who's doing the threatening.
Scully
Wait. I have a theory. I think "limousine" and "magazine" come from the same word.
Just focus! Sorry for snapping. I interviewed Orsk-
Scully
Orsk! There it is again!
Oh, you're useless! You're completely useless! You are without a doubt the most incompetent detectives I've ever seen! And I'm including that bomb-sniffing dog, who humps all the bombs!
I've thought it over, and perhaps you should go ahead and show the letter to the Commissioner.
I'll deny I wrote it. It will take months to authenticate, which will give me plenty of time to make some personnel changes around here. There's an opening for a detective down in Brighton Beach; I think I'll transfer Diaz there. Detective Boyle, I'll send to Long Island City. Santiago will be a great fit for Pelham Bay. And Peralta? Your little pet project? I'm gonna ship him off to Staten Island. Hope he likes breaking up tanning salon fistfights. Looks like you've got a decision to make, Raymond. What're you gonna do?
[Cut to Holt exiting his office.]
Squad, if I could have your attention, please? I'm being transferred to the Public Relations office; I'm leaving the 9-9 effective immediately.
I want to say it has been a pleasure to have worked alongside all of you for the past 21-and-a-half months. I'm sorry for getting so emotional.
Pretty consistent tone, actually.
[Visibly emotional] These have been the... These have been the best years of my career.
And I know that... every one of you... gave me everything you had. And I will never forget it.
Go back to being robot, Captain!
Meep-morp. Zeep! [Clears throat] Dismissed.
Captain! I'm coming with you.
Scully
I'm also coming!
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the most anticipated event in this precinct's history! The auction for-
[Gina reaches down from the podium and holds up a vinyl briefcase; the gathered detectives are amazed.]
Exactly, Jacob. This puppy's been in the Lost & Found since 1976. No one alive today knows its contents. I'm happy to say Captain Holt has finally given me permission to auction it off!
I'll let you give me a spray tan! Any shade you want!
Jake, willing to sacrifice his dignity! Who can top it?
Massage! I'll give you a massage!
Charles, going in the wrong direction and getting himself disqualified. Interesting approach. Orange Jake: Goin' once! Goin' twice!
I'll show you a picture of me in high school. There is side pony.
Ooh! Rosa comin' in hot, Rosa comin' in hot!
I'll also give you full control over my hair and wardrobe.
Scully
I'll go on a date with you!
SOLD! To Jake. Not to Scully. That really freaked me out and I just want this to end now.
What we need in here is an armored personnel carrier. A tank!
Two tanks. I want a tank, too.
Great, so everyone gets a tank. Just remember, we can't ruin Captain Holt's vacation high. We can't do anything to upset him. [Turns around and sees Hitchcock and Scully in Holt's office] Woah, no! What're those morons doing in there?!
Maybe it's not that bad. Maybe they didn't upset him.
What'd you do? What'd you say?
Nothin', just said welcome back.
Scully
And laughed with him about all the weight he gained in France!
Why is everyone just standing around? Get back to work!
"Tank"?! I gained three pounds in Paris! Three pounds!
[The detectives are meeting at a bar after the 99th Precinct was saved at the last minute]
Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".
I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.
BBartender
I told you- you can't be back here.
And I told you- I already am!
I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."
The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!
HTHolt, Terry, Scully, Hitchcock, Amy, Diaz, Boyle
To the Nine-Nine!
[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' contents.]
[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Brooklyn Nine-Nine pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
Brooklyn Nine-Nine · 153 quotes
