Rosa Diaz quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Diaz

[Examining smuggled diamonds] Why do people like these things? They're just shiny rocks.

Boyle

You talking oldest bags? 68.

Santiago

That's not that old.

Boyle

Yeah, but I was only 20.

Jake

20? Were you even a cop then?

Boyle

No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.

Diaz

Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.

Ew!

Boyle

Yeah, 68, like I said.

Jake

God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?

Boyle

You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-

Jake

No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!

Boyle

She was, actually; that's how I met her.

Santiago

Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]

Boyle

Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!

Jake

That is no one's fantasy!

Diaz

Damn it, that is amazing.

Gina

This is so good I hate it!

Boyle

You just graduated Pie School, bitches! Sorry I said "bitches", I'm just really worked up.

Terry

The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.

Diaz

Why? I'm fine on the stand.

Diaz

Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can understand: Man did crime!

Diaz

Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?

Crying?

Diaz

And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.

Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!

Jake

Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?

He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. I don't know what's going on.

Jake

A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair products.

Diaz

He's gone. He ran.

Jake

Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.

Jake

So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?

Doug Judy

The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!

Jake

Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.

Doug Judy

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!

Jake

You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?

Doug Judy

Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!

Diaz

Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?

Doug Judy

Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!

Diaz

Can you estimate the value of everything that was taken?

Gina

Emotionally? $700 million.

Terry

[On the phone at his desk] Okay, great. Thanks, Doctor. Have a good one.

Jake

Hey there, Sarge. Not to pry, but I couldn't help but overhear. You going to the doctor? Everything okay?

Terry

[Quietly] I'm getting a vasectomy.

Boyle

My ears are burning! Did someone say vasectomy? I got snipped; no big deal, just numbs you out from trunk to skunk for a year.

Terry

It's not supposed to.

Jake

Trunk to skunk?

Gina

Hold it up! You're gonna let some quack doctor just knife around down there? You are blessed with a great power, and you should never snip its wings. You should let it soar.

Terry

Thanks, guys, that's enough. I don't need any more input.

Diaz

Neither does your wife, I guess.

Jake

Look, you guys, if the Sarge wants to chop off his penis that is his choice.

Terry

That's not what a vasectomy is. If you guys don't get back to work, I'm gonna start firing detectives!

Amy

And blanks! Sorry. I just never think of jokes.

Terry

Anybody else? This is your last chance.

Gina

Ooh, God, no need to be so testes.

Diaz

Guess you won't be manning the tip line.

Boyle

Sergeant, is this gonna go on your spermanent record?

Jake

Now playing: Scrotal Recall!

Jake

Wait for it...wait for it...9:01. Amy Santiago is officially late for the first time ever. Alright, let's do this. Who's got theories?

Terry

Uh...alarm didn't go off.

Jake

All three alarms? All with battery backup? Come on, who wants to take this seriously?

Boyle

Ooh! She was taken in her sleep.

Jake

That's what I'm talking about! Super dark, Boyle, but way more plausible than the Sarge's idiotic alarm clock theory.

Diaz

I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck.

Gina

Maybe she fell into another dimension where she's interesting.

Holt

It's 9 a.m. Why is no one working?

Jake

Amy Santiago is a few minutes late, and we're all trying to guess why.

Holt

I like to play. I'd say she's in line at the bank. This is fun.

Jake

It is fun, but you're all wrong. She clearly slipped through a subway grate and is having terrible sex with a mole man.

Jake

There she is. Amy! Where have you been? We've been worried sick! Do you care to explain yourself?!

Amy

I'm just seventy seconds late! It's not a big deal. Don't worry about it.

Holt

Santiago, you will tell us, and you will tell us now.

Amy

...There was a problem at the bank.

Holt

[claps] HOT DAMN!

Unh. What happened?

Diaz

You hit your head on the doorway coming in. Got knocked out cold.

Do I have a bruise?

Boyle

Yeah, little one.

Yes! I'm going on the Wall of Heroes. Did we catch all the bad guys?

Jake

Yep, we got 'em.

Yes! Another win for USPIS!

Jake

You're lying in rat turds.

It's all part of the job, little brother. All part of the job.

Doug Judy

Sup, Peralta! Greetings from paradise! Actually, I'm a little disappointed in the hotel. How you mess up a omelette? It's just a flat egg!

Jake

He pretty much just talks about the omelette for the next ten minutes, but- [Clicks and skips further ahead in the video]

Doug Judy

-about my escape. [Shifts the camera] This is my associate, Kyle. He drove the garbage truck. You may also remember him as the room service waiter I had you tip so generously.

Diaz

Son of a bitch!

Jake

Yeah. And when we ordered the lobster, it was code for Kyle to follow him.

Doug Judy

Anyway, tell Diaz she loves me. Merry Christmas! [Jake closes his laptop]

Diaz

Okay, first things first. I swear to you that we are gonna catch Doug Judy.

Jake

I know. We did it once, we can do it again.

Diaz

No. We will catch him. More importantly, thank you. I know how hard it was to make that choice and let him get away.

Jake

No, it was an easy choice. I know how much this task force means to you.

Diaz

[Grins] It means so much and it's been so stressful and it went so well! Seriously, look at me, I cannot stop smiling! How do people do this with their faces?

Diaz

Deputy Chief Wuntch is here to see you.

Holt

Oh, please stay, Diaz. I need a witness in case her head starts spinning around or she turns into a she-wolf.

Hello, Raymond.

Holt

No flaccid rejoinder? Hm. What's going on?

I'm here on important business. I'm a front-runner for a job in the Boston P.D.

Holt

Boston? But it's so close to Salem. You do know what they do to witches up there, don't you?

Diaz

This is amazing.

The job is Chief of Police.

Holt

I see. So you've come to brag.

No. The only blemish on my record is our long history of interpersonal turbulence. The Boston Commissioner would like to speak to you about it. I've... come to ask for your help. The Commissioner will be calling y-

Holt

Wait- shhhhhhhhhh..... Oh, moment savored. So, where were we? Ah, yes- you were talking about how I hold your fate in the palm of my hand.

Terry

Okay. Personal photos are down, kitchen is spotless and I got the silver-painted breakdancer outside to move his very loud boombox elsewhere.

Diaz

You beat him in a dance-off?

Terry

No. I destroyed him. There's absolutely nothing here that will set off Holt.

Scully

Oh! Oh! I was trying to cook my oatmeal with a road flare but it caught on fire!

Terry

Why are you using a road flare?!

Hitchcock

You said the kitchen was off-limits!

Scully

Yeah, this is your fault, Sarge.

Terry

Give me that. [takes the road flare]

Terry

[still stomping out the oatmeal] I'm just... holding a road flare... stepping on some oatmeal... Just doing me.

Holt

I can't believe that you, of all people, are my biggest problem today, Jeffords. [leaves]

Boyle

Come on, guys. I grew a goatee and it looks amazing and I know you can see it.

Diaz

Of course we can see it, Charles. It's horrible.

Gina

It looks like you unclogged a shower drain with your mouth.

Jake

Yeah, you look exactly like the guy in the "Don't talk to strangers" poster.

Boyle

No, I don't.

Holt

Are you talking about your new goatee? I think it's a good choice for your face. Come over here so I can take a better look.

Boyle

[walking over to Holt] Thank you, captain. I knew you'd appreciate Bianca. [to the bullpen] That's right, I call her Bianca because she's dark and thick like my first cousin Bianca.

Holt

[puts on glasses, examines Boyle's goatee] Jeffords, Peralta. Now.

Jake

Say goodbye to Bianca, Boyle. [reveals an electric razor and turns it on]

Boyle

Bianca! NOOOOO!

[On a tablet program displaying his face and a timer] Warning! You are 43 minutes behind!

Terry

I know! Get off my back, computer ghost!

Diaz

Why are you still playing with that stupid game, Sarge? The guy's dead!

Terry

It's not a game. I'm following our captain's orders.

Diaz

His orders were stupid. I hated him more than any cop I've ever known. Whoah... I just realized I'm never gonna be able to say that to his face. I mean, I can say it to his wife at the funeral, but it won't be the same.