Jake Peralta quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jake

Gotcha, Pontiac Bandit. Where's Doug Judy?

He went to the bathroom. I'm just here to give 'im a haircut. I don't know what's going on.

Jake

A likely story, Pontiac- actually, you do have a lot of hair products.

Diaz

He's gone. He ran.

Jake

Why would he do that? He helped us catch the Pontiac Bandit; that was the deal. Doesn't make any sense unless- Doug Judy is the Pontiac Bandit.

Jake

So you dragged us over here, pretended to talk, and then snuck out the basement. Am I right?

Doug Judy

The basement connected to another basement! Which connected to a garage! Which is where my boy picked me up!

Jake

Your boy? Oh, that guy from the meetup. He works for you. He pretended to be spooked by me and Diaz in the parking lot to be sure we let you go to the next meeting by yourself.

Doug Judy

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! You win a teddy bear!

Jake

You lied to me, Doug Judy. I gotta be honest, I'm pretty disappointed right now. I mean, was that even really your mom?

Doug Judy

Hell yeah, that was my real mom. I wanted to see her one last time before I disappeared. I told you I was sensitive, Rosa!

Diaz

Yeah, you did. Why don't you come back here and take me out to dinner?

Doug Judy

Ah... I know you're trying to trap me! But crazy thing is, I'm tempted! That's how hot I find you. Sorry it had to go down this way, Peralta. Maybe we could've been friends in another world. If I hadn't just fooled ya, like a little bitch! [Throws his listening wire out of the Firebird] Ha ha! Bitch!

Amy

Peralta.

Jake

Santiago. The bet ends today. Are you ready?

Amy

I was born ready.

Jake

To lose? The whole question was, "Are you ready to lose?" and you said you were born that way.

Amy

Twist my words all you want.

Jake

Okay.

Amy

I'm winning this bet.

Hitchcock

What bet? What're you guys talking about?

Terry

Seriously? The bet? They've been keeping score all year. It comes up all the time. What are you doin all day?

Hitchcock

Nothin'. Why, you wanna hang out?

Jake

All right, fine, darling; I'll ask him. Excuse me, sir!

We're kind of busy here.

Jake

Yeah, my girlfriend here, thinks we're lost.

Amy

No, I know we're lost! I think he's an idiot.

Jake

Idiot?! Do you know why we're out here in the middle of the night, Susan? I was gonna propose to you! On the Brooklyn Bridge, where we met.

Amy

Brooklyn Bridge?! We met on the Manhattan Bridge!

Jake

You know what? This is over. Say goodbye to this ring and everything it represents! [Jake holds up the ring and throws it away.]

Amy

[Gasps] You son of a bitch!

Hey! Stop yelling.

Jake

Hey, no one talks to Susan like that. And you know what else? [Jake and Amy draw their concealed pistols] On the ground! NYPD! You're under arrest! [The two men put their hands behind their heads and get on their knees.] Nice work.

Amy

You, too.

I'm sad y'all are arresting me, but I gotta say, I'm glad you're back together.

Terry

The Ebony Falcon needs to read Go, Dog, Go! !

Jake

Yeah, he does! Terry Jeffords is back! Chest bump me!

Terry

You don't wanna do this, man.

Jake

No, I really do.

Terry

It hurts you every time.

Jake

No, I know, but I'm fired up. The adrenaline is gonna carry me through. Here we go!

Terry

What's my name?

Jake

Terry Jeffords.

Terry

WHAT IS MY NAME?!

Jake

The Ebony Falcon.

Terry

And what does the Ebony Falcon do?

Jake

Takes every precaution to ensure his own safety?

Terry

[Growls]

Jake

Takes bad guys to jail and bad girls to bed.

Terry

Hell yeah he does! Except now the Ebony Falcon is monogamous and too tired for sex, so his only indulgence is fresh fruit yogurt parfaits. [Terry leaves]

Jake

Terry loves yogurt.

Jake

We've busted murderers; we've taken down cartels. But today we face the worst New York has to offer- the Fire Department. [The two teams approach each other] Fire Marshal Boone; we meet again.

Detective Paralta. Your fly is down. I made you look.

Jake

I didn't look. And I'm wearing shorts; there is no fly.

That's not what your mom said.

Jake

You make no sense.

And now I'm inside your head.

Jake

Prepare to die.

Jake

Okay, Gus. I don't have a lot of time. I need your full, signed confession. We have four minutes. We can do this.

But I'm not guilty.

Jake

[Slams his hands on the table and leans in] Listen to me, Gus. We can do this, son!

Jake

Hello good sir, I would like your finest bottle of wine, please.

That will be $1,600.

Jake

Great, I'd like your eight-dollar-est bottle of wine, please.

Jake

Hello again, Professor Kevin Cozner.

What do you want?

Jake

I'd like to talk to you about a case I solved.

Thank you, but just as with my home, my office has a strict "no cop talk" policy.

Jake

I figured. But the case that I have solved is the case of the "no cop talk policy". There were three things that bothered me about last night: you didn't want the 9-9 at your party, even though you'd never met us, your friends immediately asked Hitchcock and Scully if they were harassed, and there was something interesting about that photo in your library. You and the Captain were shunted off to the side. I don't think you dislike cop talk; I think you dislike cops.

I'm married to one.

Jake

I know. And I can't imagine it's been fun to watch the man you love marginalized, underappreciated, and disrespected by the NYPD.

Because he's gay, Raymond has been put through hell by his colleagues. Many of whom, quite frankly, look exactly like you.

Jake

Devastatingly handsome? I'm sorry. I'm uncomfortable with emotions.

So, yes. I decided a long time ago that just because I love Raymond, doesn't mean I have to love the people he works with. Good solve, Detective.

Jake

Nice cop lingo! Look, I'm really sorry that we ruined your party. I'd love to make it up to you.

Jake Peralta

Whoa. What's with the cast?

Raymond Holt

I sprained my wrist.

Amy Santiago

[obsequiously] Oh no, what happened?

Holt

Don't worry about it, I'm fine.

Peralta

Yeah, Jeez Amy. Back off. Leave the guy alone [he cranes his neck to check Holt is out of earshot] All right, huddle up, everybody. Bring it in, bring it in. [They all assemble] So he wouldn't say what happened, which can only mean one thing.

Gina Linetti

He's in a fight club?

Peralta

No, he did it doing something he's embarrassed by. Like smiling. Only question is... how do you hurt your arm smiling?

Charles Boyle

Could be a sports injury. I sprained my wrist in college, playing field hockey.

Terry Jeffords

[incredulous] Men's field hockey?

Charles

Yeah. It's much more violent than the women's game. We're not allowed to wear anything that protects our breasts.

Holt

[exiting his office] Attention, everyone! I can hear you speculating about the nature and origin of my injury from my office. I tripped over an uneven sidewalk. I did not think it was relevant to your jobs, the jobs you should all be doing right now. Get to work. [When everyone has gone back to their desks, he sidles up to Peralta and talks in hushed voice] Do you wanna know how I actually hurt my wrist?

Peralta

Yes.

Holt

I was hula hooping. Kevin and I attend a class for fitness, and for fun.

Peralta

[in surprise and amazement] Oh my God.

Holt

I've mastered all the moves. [holds up his phone to show Peralta a picture] The pizza toss, the tornado, the scorpion, the oopsie doodle.

Peralta

[struggling to contain his glee] Why are you telling me this?

Holt

[slowly and deliberately] Because no-one... will ever believe you.

Peralta

No, no! [Holt gives him a cruel smile and makes his way back to his office. Through his teeth] You sick son of a bitch.

Jake

[On intercom] Hey, Nate, just talking about how you're alive.

Yeah, I'm alive.

Terry

But whose melted torso did we find? [Realizes] Sophia's husband.

Jake

Yes! Sophia and Dexter were having an affair, husband found out, Nate killed him. [On intercom] Now I'm telling my friend about how you killed that guy.

It was for love!

Jake

Cool motive, still a murder.

Peralta

I'm telling you this machine is broken. Ask me a question.

Terry

Is Jay-Z really your favorite artist?

Peralta

Yes, obviously. [Scoffs]

Lie.

Peralta

See? It's busted!

Terry

Is it? Or is your favorite artist really Taylor Swift?

Peralta

[Scoffs] No.

Lie.

Peralta

Allright fine. She is. [Quietly] she makes me feels things.

Terry

[Pounds table] SHE MAKES ALL OF US FEEL THINGS! Look, the machine is working just fine. Why are being so crazy about this case?

Peralta

I wanted to work the toughest case we had.

Terry

Why?

Peralta

Because it would feel awesome to solve it. Because a real man doesn't run from a challenge. I mean, do they run from the bulls in Pamplona? [Scoffs]

Terry

Yeah, that's the whole point of it.

Peralta

Seriously? That seems lame.

Terry

I don't know why you wanna spend the entire weekend at work, but I'm going home to my family. See you tomorrow, Jake. [Gets up and leaves]

Peralta

Fine, abandon me! I don't want you here anyway.

That's a lie.

Peralta

Come on, man.

Jake

All right, I'll just act like you. Say something so I can get the cadence of your voice down.

Holt

I will not.

Jake

Perfect. I will not. I... will not. I will... not.

Have a seat, Detective.

Jake

I will not.

Excuse me?

Jake

Uh, sorry. I meant out of respect I will choose to stand. Sit, I will not.

[Gestures to the form in front of her] This looks like it was filled out by a toddler! Now, we are going to have to go through this point-by-point. Justice cannot be rushed.

Jake

But could it be gently nudged into hyper speed?

I take it you're the toddler.

Jake

Congratulations, Tony. It's a beautiful night. [Holds out his hand]

[Pushes Jake's hand down] Hey. You're one of us now. [Grabs Jake and kisses him]

Jake

You know how long I've been waiting for one of you old men to kiss me?

[To another don] He's a good kid.

Jake

You know, I gotta say, out of the four of you I think Vito's the best kisser. [The four bosses laugh.] Oh, what a wedding, huh? Although the meatballs were a little dry.

Holt

Dry meatballs. That's the signal! Let's go, go, go!