If I'm ever going to make captain, I need a good mentor; I need my rabbi.
Sorry, dude, but this new guy's gonna be a washed-up pencil-pusher who's only concerned with [robot gestures, robotic voice] following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep, robot captain engaged!
[standing right behind Peralta] Is that what you think?
[stands up, turns around, smiles] H-hey! New captain alert! [looks around, laughs awkwardly] You must be the new C.O.! I'm Detective Jake Peralta, great to meet you—
Now don't let me interrupt, you were describing what kind of person I'm going to be. I'd like you to finish.
Nah, that's not necessary. [Holt looks back, stone-faced] Or I could recap, very quickly, sure! Um, let's see, I think I said some joke about you being a washed-out pencil-pusher—
Now do the robot voice. The robot voice you were doing when you implied I'm a rule-following robot. I want to hear it again.
[looks around nervously, speaks more quietly, does robot gestures] Um, meep-morp. Zarp. Robot!
That's a terrible robot voice.
The next time I see you I'd like you to be wearing a necktie.
That's fine work, detective.
[wearing a tie] Thank you very much, sir. Testament to what can be achieved when you dress appropriately. [stands, revealing that he's wearing Speedos and no trousers]
[smiles slightly] You know what? Such fine police work, let's share it with the whole team. Santiago, Boyle, Diaz, get in here! Bring everyone! And a camera!
[with the squad behind him] Let's have a hand for the fine master detective Jake Peralta!
[NYPD Deputy Commissioner Podolski has arrived at the 99th Precinct, bullied Peralta into releasing his son Trevor, the one who'd been tagging NYPD vehicles with spray paint cans, resulting in thousands of dollars in expenses. Podolski has left the building; Peralta comes into Holt's office and drops his report on Trevor on Holt's desk.]
Well, we don't have to worry about Podolski's son anymore. The case is officially out of my hands. No charges filed.
[Examining the report] Why is there yogurt on this?
The Deputy Commissioner threw my report into Terry's trash can. And he'd been eating yogurt earlier.
Terry loves yogurt. Something wrong?
Yeah. I called six precincts about this kid! He's been brought in a dozen times. Theft, vandalism, drunken disorderly- but he's never been processed. His daddy comes in and bails him out every time! He's a lucky little jerk.
No, I wouldn't say lucky. I feel bad for this kid. I mean, what kind of father cares so little for his son that he lets him get away with everything? [Seemingly nonchalant] Well, he's someone else's problem now. Like you said, it's out of your hands.
All right, I see what you're trying to do, but it's not gonna work. I'm not gonna arrest him. I'm gonna arrest him!
[Peralta and Holt stop Deputy Commissioner Podolski in one of the 99's vandalized marked units]
DCDeputy Commissioner Podolski
What is this?! You can't do this! Get that thing out of here!
Excuse me, sir. Trevor Podolski, you're under arrest for vandalism and destruction of property.
DCDeputy Commissioner Podolski
What are you doing? I told you to back off, Peralta.
First off, the name is Santiago, Detective Amy Santiago. Second, I'm arresting your son, which, as I say it aloud, seems like an unwise choice. But it's the one I'm making. Once again my name is Amy Santiago!
DCDeputy Commissioner Podolski
You're being stupid, Peralta. Don't be stupid. I can make your life miserable.
Commissioner, please don't talk to my detective in that tone. If you have a complaint you can take it up with me.
DCDeputy Commissioner Podolski
You just made yourself a very powerful enemy, Holt. I'm gonna be watching you- both of you- like a hawk!
You're gonna have to try a little harder if you want to scare me. I've been an openly gay cop since 1987 so you're not the first superior officer to threaten me. You know why I'm still standing here? 'Cause I do my job. And I do it right.
You wanted to see me, Captain?
Yes, the D.A. wanted me to personally thank you for your work on the Jay Street drug bust.
That's why we do this, sir.
There's a community outreach program that is very important to me. I was wondering if you'd like to head it up.
Absolutely, sir! I won't just head it up, I will head and shoulders it up. I will dive in, and swim around it, and just be altogether go-good with it.
Be more articulate when you speak the children.
Yes, sir, I will make better mouth.
Detectives, our monthly crime statistics are due. I want paperwork on all your closed cases by tomorrow. Scully, you can just write "I didn't close any" on a piece of paper.
I already got my paperwork in, Captain.
Then I guess this little reminder isn't for you.
[Quietly] Wow, looks like he hates you even more than me.
No, he doesn't. We have a good relationship. We're on the same page.
Something to share with the rest of us, Santiago?
No, sir. I wasn't- [Turns and points behind her] Peralta was the one that was talking!
God, you must have been the worst fourth grader ever.
Joke's on you; I skipped fourth grade.
I happen to be a very good secondary.
[In a flashback]
So you were just borrowing those cars?
[Jake starts banging on the one-way glass from outside the interrogation room]
Ask about his bank account. Ask about his bank account! Ask him about his bank- [The glass shatters] -account. You should ask him about his bank account. [Leaving] Captain! Santiago broke the glass!
You talking oldest bags? 68.
20? Were you even a cop then?
No, man. That was before I made it into the academy.
[Everyone is confused for a moment, then Diaz smiles as the penny drops]
Charles isn't talking about his oldest arrest.
DJDiaz, Jake, Santiago
Ew!
God, you had sex with a 68-year-old when you were in your 20s?
You know how it is, when you have a chance to bed an older woman, you-
No, that's not an older woman; that's an old woman! That's someone's grandma!
She was, actually; that's how I met her.
Oh! [Everyone grimaces and starts laughing]
Don't- don't knock it 'till you try it! She had a replacement hip with some serious torque. It was like having sex with a Transformer!
That is no one's fantasy!
I swear, these perps are so stupid. I'd make a better criminal than any of 'em.
Yeah, you would! And everyone would call you "The Handsome Bandit".
Thank you, Charles. And the best part is, none of you could catch me.
I'm fairly certain you would be caught. No, scratch that. I'm 100% sure you'd be caught.
Ho-ho-ho! All right, challenge accepted.
I didn't issue a challenge.
Fine, I'll issue it for you. What's the most valuable thing in your office?
God, you are such a hero. All right, how about this; I bet you that by midnight tonight, I can steal the Medal of Valor from your office.
Why would I possibly agree to that?
Because if I lose, I'll work the next five weekends. No overtime. And I won't tell anyone here about the time I saw you wearing short-shorts outside of work. But if I win-
-you have to do all of my paperwork tonight, the busiest and spookiest night of the year. And you have to publicly state that I am an amazing detective/genius.
And this won't interfere with you doing your job?
You mean my job as an amazing detective/genius? No, it will not. I will do all of my work, guaranteed.
I'm considering it. I'm interested. I agree to participate.
All right, there's the robot I fell in love with.
[Sees Jake in a janitor's costume] Nice costume Peralta.
No Peralta here! Just a janitor pushing trash around.
You really thought this was gonna work?
Um it did work. This whole janitor gambit was designed to fail. It's just like in chess. Sometimes, in order to win, you need to sacrifice your king.
That's exactly how you lose in chess. Have you ever played the game?
20 seconds to spare. Game over, Captain. Check me.
I think you mean "Checkmate". You really need to learn how to play chess. How'd you get everyone to help you?
I appealed to their sense of teamwork and camaraderie with a rousing speech that would put Shakespeare to shame.
[In a flashback, Jake is standing on a chair in front of the other detectives, speaking in a terrible Scottish accent.]
For too long we've been put down, ridiculed, made to wear ties! But no more! For today, we defeat him!
[Back in the interrogation room.]
No. Oh, no, not at all. My speech did not inspire them. So I bribed them. I told them that if we pulled this off I would do all of their paperwork. And since you're doing all of my paperwork...
I'm impressed, Peralta. Well done.
[Holt goes to the interrogation room door and opens it.]
In fact, the thing you failed to see, Captain, is that teamwork is the... [Holt walks out of the room past him.]
Captain! Sir? He's not coming back.
Detective Peralta has made a collar in the jewelry store heist.
Way to go, Jakie! [Raises hand for high five]
Ah, that's okay... [Grabs Boyle's hand and lowers it]
No. He didn't get sufficient evidence to make it stick, so we have the next 48 hours to fix his mistake.
[The officers and detectives in the briefing room groan.]
Damn it, Jake. What evidence did you have when you arrested this guy?
Some pretty ironclad stuff.
[In a flashback, Jake approaches Dustin Whitman at a magazine stand.]
Dustin; it's been a while. Mind if I ask you a few questions?
DDustin
Well, well. If it isn't Joke Peralta. [Laughs]
Okay, that's it! You're under arrest!
[Back in the briefing room.]
[Amy shakes her head and glares.]
If we don't find something conclusive, it jeopardizes the case and opens up the Department to a lawsuit. So cancel your plans. We're here until this is over.
[The officers and detectives groan again and throw some balls of paper at Jake.]
Now, I know everyone's mad at Detective Peralta for ruining their weekend.
That was it. I was just demonstrating for Detective Peralta what a fact is.
The D.A. is worried about how you present yourself on the stand.
Why? I'm fine on the stand.
[Cut to a courtroom flashback.]
Look, I'll make it real simple so even these dum-dums can understand: Man did crime!
[In another courtroom flashback.]
Could you make her stop doing that weird thing with her face?
[In a third courtroom flashback.]
And when this is over, I'm gonna find you, and I'm gonna break those little fingers.
JJudge
Ms. Diaz! Please stop threatening the stenographer!
Got Halbrook to cop to every charge. Nice work, Santiago.
Thank you, sir. Peralta figured out the pattern, though, so he should get credit for the collar. Have you seen him?
I sent him home. He assaulted Jimmy Brogan.
Yeah, but that caveman kind of had it coming, don't you think? Oh. He didn't tell you.
Never mind. If Jake didn't tell you, he must have had a reason. It's not my place.
I'm disappointed, Santiago. I thought you and I were close.
I know you're manipulating me... but I love it, and I will tell you anything.
