Shirley quotes from Boston Legal

Mrs. Schmidt?

Shirley

My mother is Mrs. Schmidt; you may call me Schmidt.

Alan

Shirley?

Shirley

Alan?

Alan

You're in the men's room again.

Shirley

I need a favor.

Alan

Certainly. My stall or yours?

Denny

You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?

I certainly would not.

Denny

We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?

Objection?

Denny

Withdrawn. Nothing further.

(Under his breath) Wimp?

Shirley

(To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?

Denny

Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.

Now I'm going to do the interrupting. If Nothing Else I pride myself on being conscientious fact finder.

Denny

Oh Brother

Judge Brown

Mr. Crane, did you say something?

Denny

It's a stupid law. Overturn it, be a man.

Shirley

Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful, apparently he did not succeed.

Judge Brown

We will hold an evidentiary hearing at 2:00. We will first hear from the Mayor and then, Miss Schmidt, if you choose, we will hear from your client. Until then, we are adjourned.

Denny

Put on a dress

Judge Brown

2:00!

Shirley

(To Denny) What are you doing?

Denny

I know this Judge. I know where his buttons are.

Shirley

Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court!

Denny

Oh, come on Shirley. You still antagonize me and we both know what's really going on, don't we?

Shirley

You sweet man. It's been a long time since anyone's hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it!

Denny

Just a matter of time, Shirley, just a matter of time. (To client, who's sitting right next to them) This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.

Denny

How can you ban red meat?

Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.

Denny

We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Is there anything we can do?

Shirley

We'll get an immediate TRO.

Denny

I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.

Shirley

The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right - the law lacks condiments.

Schmidt! Called?

Shirley

Chelina? I called you three hours ago! Where have you been?

Chelina

Patriots parade.

Shirley

The Patriots parade was last week!

Chelina

Three Super Bowls. Four years. I'm still on parade.

Lori

And what exactly is your defense?

Alan

Something like let him go even though he did it.

Lori

Jury nullification?

Alan

Best I can tell, though Shirley hasn't really filled me in.

Shirley

Talking about me?

Alan

Yes Shirley. If you so enjoy keeping me in the dark, you really should give me a try…in the dark.

Shirley

I know you recently retired. Is this...

And please do not proffer psychological counsel. I came in here in search of legal and intellectual acuity.

Shirley

And you sought out Denny?

Tara

Nymphomania?

Shirley

Anything you can find. And we'll need to line up an expert who can testify, possibly as soon as tomorrow.

It's not a real disease. It's an excuse offered up by sex perv sickos.

Shirley

Yes, Brad. Thank you for that.

Lori

It's also a sexist diagnosis, as well as bogus. If a man was running around trying to schtup everything he could, we wouldn't say that he had a disease. We would just call him…

Denny

[entering, uttering his signature line] Denny Crane.

Shirley

Exactly.

Shirley

He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially.

Lori

I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. [walks away]

Shirley

You little bitch.

Shirley

You know, I hate to break up the tea party but...

Careful, we're still a bit thin-skinned on that one. Such a waste of proper tea.

Denny

Not everything is about money, Shirley. Sometimes sex counts, too. It used to count with you. One minute you couldn't get enough of me, the next you lose interest. What happened, Shirley? I need to know.

Shirley

They invented color television.

Denny

You and me. In my office. Gimme 2 minutes.

Shirley

If you could last 3 I might consider it.

Denny

She's always ogling me.

Shirley

Yes, putting reality aside...

Shirley

[to Denny] Did you tell Lori you liked chubby sex?

Denny

I meant it as a compliment!

We became very close.

Shirley

You strayed with livestock?

It's not what you think. It was all very loving.