Claire quotes from Boston Legal

Claire

[upon being greeted by the firm] Yeah, don't anybody try to make friends with me.

Claire

This is abusive. Making me leave New York. I'm gonna call my parents and tell them I'm being abused.

Claire

Who do we complain to here? The old people?

Claire

[about Shirley] Are we really sure she's missing? Sometimes old people just slip off to have some work done.

Claire

And Clarence needs to get back to work. I can't afford Oprah.

Alan

Hello.

Claire

I know who you are. You're a little horny toad. Horny toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.

Jeffrey

Small point. Mr Little here is a witness. Your questions seems to suggest he's a suspect. Maybe it's just me. You might try asking whether there were any cars parked in the street. Any strange people in the area. Any other information that might shed some light into who killed her. You do wanna know right?

You wanna let me do my job?

Claire

He's hoping you'll do it.

[Stare]

Claire

What? You wanna ask me out?

Alan

Excuse me, I realize you're new to this office but we have a zero-tolerance policy here when it comes to sexual harassment.

Claire

Ha! [points to Denny] Tubby over there groped me when I came off the elevator.

Alan

Did he grunt as he groped? Because I found as long as he's not grunting you're perfectly fine.

Denny

Well, well, well, well, well. If you're a client, I'll get you off; if you're not... the offer's still there.

Claire

Okay, ick... and double ick.

Denny

Welcome, to Boston Legal.

Claire

Jeffrey, the gross man is fondling me.

Denny

It's the official firm greeting.

Denny

Cue the music.

Denny

[about Bethany suing Denny] What do you mean she won't drop it?

Claire

She's hurt. My advice is if really want this to go away, you have to apologize and this time make it heartfelt.

Denny

Do you do that?

Claire

Never.

Claire

You two spoke over the Internet for two weeks, divulging personal intimate details. You leave out the fact that you're under three feet tall. Do you think that's honest?

Bethany

Look at him. Did I get Mel Gibson?

Bethany

Maybe I did.

Claire

Okay, before we start, I want it on the record that I am very uncomfortable deposing a dwarf.

Bethany

What's that supposed to mean?

Claire

It means I'm uncomfortable. I don't need any victims rights groups picketing outside my condo. Not to mention the fact you obviously have deep psychological issues to accept any date with a seventy-two year old man, let alone...

Claire

Him.

What's the infield fly rule?

Lincoln

I haven't the slightest. Does it involve a zipper?

Denny

[to Claire] I bet he's more familiar with a zipper than he is with baseball.

Claire

[deadpan] Really?