Alan Shore quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

I have trouble talking that fast. I don't believe in being straight up, but I'm a big fan of your Aqua Velva commercials.

Alan

[to Brad] Do you do tongue pushups?

Alan

[to Sally] I haven't kept up with the boyfriend/girlfriend regulations.

Alan

[to Lori] I find it difficult to maintain grudges against all those who want to kill me, don't you? Perhaps you'll find that witty comeback in your office.

Alan

I demand only one thing in a relationship, Christine, that I remain utterly alone.

Alan

I may not be able to talk as fast, but my tongue is more versatile.

Alan

I love Vermont. Would you allow me to cover your body with maple syrup?

Alan

[regarding Brad and Tara] They make a lovely couple, don't they? He has a nice tight ass, don't you think?

Alan

Those three little words again...

Alan

I'm not about to go to Texas and not ride the mechanical bull, Chelina. That would be like going to Los Angeles and not sleeping with Paris Hilton.

Alan

I promise you. By the time I finish tomorrow, those judges - every last one of them - will rise up and say "Never mind executing Ezekiel Borns. Let's kill Alan Shore instead."

Alan

Schadenfreude. From the German words, Schaden and Freude, damage and joy. It means to take spiteful, malicious delight in the misfortune of others. We used to dismiss this as simply an ugly side of human nature, but it is much, much more than that. Recently a Stanford professor actually captured Schadenfreude on a brain scan. It's a physiological medical phenomenon. When we see others fall it sometimes causes a chemical to be released in the dorsal striatum of the brain which actually causes us to feel pleasure. If you watch the news or read the papers, which of course you don't because the Judge said not to, but if you did, you would see the undeniable delicious joy of the media and the public over Kelly Nolan's plight. I have no doubt that you want Kelly Nolan to be punished. She married for money, she had an affair, she carried on naked in the pool with her boyfriend. She's cold, materialistic, unlikable, and it might bring you all pleasure to see her go to jail. But as for evidence to establish that she committed a murder beyond all reasonable doubt? It just isn't there. The only possible route to a guilty verdict here is Schadenfreude.

Alan

My New Year's resolution...is to appreciate my friends every day and catch more fish.

Alan

Why is that so important to everyone, maintaining integrity?

Alan

We have no strategy for getting out. We, as a nation, are in denial. [Cassie] is in this courtroom, honoring one dead soldier. That's a start.