Denny Crane quotes from Boston Legal

Motion for continuance is denied.

Denny

You know what I'm going to do, Brian, just to show you there are no hard feelings? I'm going to sleep with your wife.

And who is the current President of the United States?

Denny

That would be Ernest Borgnine.

I just like wearing women's clothes sometimes. It's not a sexual turn-on; it just feels right sometimes.

Denny

So, basically, you're a sicko.

I'm not sick.

Denny

Lighten up, man. So what, you got caught in a skirt? That what you're saying?

My employer found out, and, yes, I got fired. They asked me a lot of questions, like whether I'm gay.

Denny

Well, are you? Not that there's anything wrong with that.

Denny

Tom Delay is a friend of mine. He advised me to keep a rifle in the office

My question is: Did it appear that the suspect was about to shoot Mr. Shore before you decided to take him out?

Denny

No, why the hell would I wait for that?

Denny

You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!

Shirley

It was the Secretary of Defense.

Denny

Lock and load. Where is everybody?

Paul

This is an administrative meeting, Denny.

Denny

Oh! Then what the hell am I doing here?

Shirley

Remember the good ole days when you liked to know what was going on? When you could go from your office to the elevator without a roadmap?

Denny

Didn't need a roadmap to find my way around your body, did I, Shirley?

Shirley

I wouldn't know. I was usually asleep.

Denny

I once had her...and Streisand...at the same time. Remember that?

Shirley

Hahhh, I do Denny. Ha ha. And not to burst your bubble, but that was a male impersonator. Perhaps the penis might have been your clue.

Denny

Did my client tell you that this drug is unapproved by the FDA?

Yes.

Denny

Did he tell you that, ah, there could be side effects?

Yes.

Denny

You were fully informed.

I was.

Denny

You consented.

I did.

Denny

Take it again?

Absolutely.

Denny

Like the doctor?

Love him.

Denny

How's your memory?

My memory's fine.

Denny

What's my name?

Denny Crane.

Denny

Like you mean it!

Denny Crane!

Denny

What's my name?!

[shouts] Denny Crane!

Denny

No further questions.

Denny

You would agree, Mr. Mayor, that by and large, vegetarians are communists?

I certainly would not.

Denny

We're at war, Mr. Bostwick. Think we can win that war if we suddenly say to our soldiers, "No more meat"? Think a nation of fish-eaters can protect the world, you wimp?

Objection?

Denny

Withdrawn. Nothing further.

(Under his breath) Wimp?

Shirley

(To Denny) What the hell are you doing?!?

Denny

Don't bother with the merits, Shirley, this case is all about the Judge.

Now I'm going to do the interrupting. If Nothing Else I pride myself on being conscientious fact finder.

Denny

Oh Brother

Judge Brown

Mr. Crane, did you say something?

Denny

It's a stupid law. Overturn it, be a man.

Shirley

Mr. Crane was trying to be helpful, apparently he did not succeed.

Judge Brown

We will hold an evidentiary hearing at 2:00. We will first hear from the Mayor and then, Miss Schmidt, if you choose, we will hear from your client. Until then, we are adjourned.

Denny

Put on a dress

Judge Brown

2:00!

Shirley

(To Denny) What are you doing?

Denny

I know this Judge. I know where his buttons are.

Shirley

Research shows, Denny, it's not wise to antagonize the people whose favor you're trying to court!

Denny

Oh, come on Shirley. You still antagonize me and we both know what's really going on, don't we?

Shirley

You sweet man. It's been a long time since anyone's hit my button. I doubt you'd even know where to find it!

Denny

Just a matter of time, Shirley, just a matter of time. (To client, who's sitting right next to them) This doesn't involve you, man, it's sexual.

Denny

How can you ban red meat?

Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world.

Denny

We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians.

Is there anything we can do?

Shirley

We'll get an immediate TRO.

Denny

I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard.

Shirley

The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right - the law lacks condiments.

Alan

the though of giving representation to that thug...

Denny

come on, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate - it allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

Donny Crane

We're talking about emotions of the heart.

Denny

Objection. Sounds like a girly man.

Donny Crane

[angrily] Move to strike!

Denny

That's better.

Alan

First of all, the idea of giving representation to that thug…

Denny

Alan, c'mon, we hate all our clients. It's good to hate, allows us to overcharge and still sleep at night.

What if somebody wanted to get frozen to avoid the draft?

Denny

Let him move to Canada, freeze his balls off. [Judge James Billmeyer looks at him] Denny Crane!

Tara

Nymphomania?

Shirley

Anything you can find. And we'll need to line up an expert who can testify, possibly as soon as tomorrow.

It's not a real disease. It's an excuse offered up by sex perv sickos.

Shirley

Yes, Brad. Thank you for that.

Lori

It's also a sexist diagnosis, as well as bogus. If a man was running around trying to schtup everything he could, we wouldn't say that he had a disease. We would just call him…

Denny

[entering, uttering his signature line] Denny Crane.

Shirley

Exactly.