“Schmidt Happens” quotes from Boston Legal

Alan

Alan Shore, it's a pleasure. [extends hand to shake Shirley's hand after using the restroom]

Surely you intend to wash that.

Alan

I keep an extremely clean penis.

Denny

You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary!

Shirley

It was the Secretary of Defense.

To be honest, I might have a hard time finding Sudan on a map. I certainly know they've got big problems. Innocent people murdered every day, systemic rape, many of them children. It's the worst humanitarian crisis in the world.

Please don't say "but."

But, why does every crisis automatically fall to the United States to solve? We've got Iraq, Iran, North Korea-and these are people who might murder us. We're supposed to tend to a bunch of Africans killing each other? Why? Because we're Americans? The answer is... yes. Because we're Americans. Because we're a nation-perhaps the nation-that's supposed to give a damn. What's going on is an organized extermination of an entire race of people. We're the country that's supposed to give a damn. Miss Schmidt, Miss Colson, your claim here most likely won't survive summary judgment. And maybe the American people don't care about what's happening over there, but for today, here, now-at least one federal court judge does. Defendant's motion to dismiss-denied.