[both Beavis and Butt-head have equipment for bounty-hunting and arrive at a post office]
BeavisYeah. He's really down to Earth in person, you know?
Well, there's the pictures of the criminals. We need to kick their asses and haul them downtown. [eyeing portraits of the governor, postmaster general, and president Barack Obama] Look at them.
Beavis
Real scum of the earth.
[grabs Obama's portrait and looks to a postal worker] Uh, excuse me, sir. Have you seen this man?
Beavis
Any information can help, sir. You can like, remain anmonymous, too.
PWPostal Worker
Yeah, he's in Europe right now for a summit. [leaves]
Damn it, Europe's like way over in Russia or something.
[approaching Clifton Karate School] This is the place, Beavis.
Beavis
This is a pretty crappy school.
Yeah, really. No wonder these kids joined a gang.
Beavis
Yeah, so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them, you know? But we still have a job to do.
Yeah. A job to kick their asses. You ready, brah?
Beavis
Yeah, shouldn't we pray? Dog always prays before they chase a skip.
Uh, oh yeah. Okay. [they bow their heads] Uh, God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food. Okay, let's roll Beavis.
TATown Actor
Welcome to Prairie Falls. You lucky students have traveled back in time to a typical 19th century homesteading community. Come and meet my fellow townsfolk. [lets Beavis and Butt-head enter]
Uh, did that guy say something about like, traveling back in time? [they approach Van Driessen in 19th century attire]
Howdy, fair strangers. I am Tobias Van Driessen, a humble but hard working cobbler, who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.
Uh, how come Van Driessen's talking like a foreigner?
Beavis
I don't know. Maybe we're in Mexico or something. Let's go find a TV.
TV? I know not what you talk of, for the year is 1832. Now come and watch us thresh wheat.
Uh, 1832? That's like, not now.
Beavis
Aren't we more than that?
Whoa! Hey Beavis, check it out! Look at all these people! Maybe that dork was right. Maybe we did travel back in time.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah. How did that happen?
Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space cundominium?
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah, like in that movie, Back to the Future.
Oh yeah. Maybe we can score with your mom.
Beavis
Hey Butt-head, since we traveled back in time a thousand years, does that mean that old dude is like, Van Driessen's dad or something?
Uh, oh yeah. He's old. [they approach a woman working a butter churn] Whoa! Come to Butt-head.
Beavis
Yeah, me too!
I do declare, working this pole is hard.
Beavis
Oh yeah!
[whispering to the woman] You look familiar, were you at the Renaissance fair this summer?
Ah, I knew it! I'm Squire Robin! [to the class] Um, class? Why don't you run along and enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes! [returns his attention to Megan]
This sucks. How come a wuss like that can score and we can't?
Beavis
Um, how do you know he's gonna score?
Because Van Driessen was born, dumbass. Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do! If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van Driessen will never be born. We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! This is gonna be cool! I mean, or it was cool. I mean, in the past, I mean like after we do it, it's gonna be cool to think back upon.
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] Oh! Oh, them! Them! Get them! Go! Bad for business!
SGSecurity Guard
[walks over to Beavis and Butt-head] You're going to have to leave. You do not have the right to block a pedestrian area.
Uh, how come they get to block a "pedestranian" area?
Beavis
Yeah, really.
SGSecurity Guard
Because they are running a business. Now move along. [leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] NOW YOU GO! YOU GO TO HELL!
[Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]
[impersonating the massagers] Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis.
Beavis
Um, "now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing?" That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
That was pretty good, Beavis. [a lady comes] Whoa.
WWomen
[sighs] I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
[Butt-head gets ready to touch her, but the workers show up angrily and push him away]
MWMassage Worker
[angrily] WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?!
Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
MWMassage Worker
[sees an obese man approaching] Okay, you two now massagers.
FMFat Man
Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate. [sits on the massage chair]
[the lady leaves]
MWMassage Worker
[points at the fat man] GET TO WORK!
Uh, let's get out of here. [a security guard and a janitor suddenly show up]
SGSecurity Guard
Hold on. Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
MWMassage Worker
They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
SGSecurity Guard
The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
MWMassage Worker
Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
[the cops show up]
Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
FMFat Man
Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
Beavis
... Well, he does have boobs.
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Beavis
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
Beavis
Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?
It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!
Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.
Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.
Beavis
Yeah.
You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!
Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.
Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
Uh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
Beavis
Yeah.
Not at all. So what do you want out of life?
Beavis
Yeah, with two chicks! And I want money, too! Yeah!
What about your higher aspirations?
Beavis
Whoa, you're into behinds too? You and McVicker should hang out.
[as teachers are giving their lectures] Whoa! I just got something!
[The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]
... Number two pencil! Number two.
Beavis
Oh, yeah!
Beavis
It's a poop pencil!
AMAngry Man
Hey Todd, where's my money?!
AMAngry Man
What'd you call me?!
AMAngry Man
What'd you call me?! [is punched unconscious by Todd, who runs away]
Whoa! Beavis! We like, saw that.
Beavis
I know! I know! Someday, we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
Hey Beavis, remember when Todd punched that guy out?
Beavis
Yeah yeah, that's all I've been thinking about.
Beavis
It's cool, yeah. That's exactly what I was gonna say. [Todd suddenly shows up]
Beavis
Speak of the devil.
Yeah, this is weird, because like, we were just talking about-
SHUT UP! Now look, the cops busted me for punching that guy, and now they're bringing me to trial for assault. It really sucks, because I was totally acting in self-defense. But I don't have to tell you, you were the only witnesses. So you know the truth, right?!
Uh, yeah. We know the truth.
Beavis
Yeah. You kicked that guy's ass.
It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
[Todd grabs Beavis and kicks Beavis]
That's not what you saw, douchbags! Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you a subpoena!
It's not funny, man! You better tell him exactly what you saw. It was just me defending myself. Get it?!
Beavis
Got it.
Beavis
Let go.
[Todd leaves]
Beavis
So um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself?
Yeah. That guy had the nerve to ask Todd for the money he owed him, so Todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah. He kicked his ass. That reminds me, Butt-head. You have that two dollars that I loaned you?
Uh, I don't have it, bitch. [begins repeatedly punching Beavis]
Beavis
Ow! Ahh! Butt-hole! Ow!
I'm defending myself. [continues punching Beavis]
PProsecutor
Is the person who started the fight here in the court room today?
Uh, yeah. He's right there.
PProsecutor
Would you point to him, please?
Uh, him. Todd. [both he and Beavis point to an infuriated Todd]
Beavis
Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
You said "you're on her."
Beavis
Oh yeah, you're on 'er. Boy, nothing gets by you, Butt-head. You should be a lawyer.
[as Beavis and Butt-head walk by a women's health clinic being picketed]
PPicketer
[in a megaphone] Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators!
PPicketer
[giving Butt-head a pamphlet] Here ya are, son. You can read all about it.
Uh, no. [drops the pamphlet] Did you say there were whores in there?
PPicketer
Well boys, you tell me. Those women that are going in there have had sexual relations outside of a marriage, and that is the Bible definition of a whore. [returns to picketing] Whores! Fornicators!
Beavis
Yeah, yeah! Whores!
PPicketer
Hold on a second. [chuckles] Now I do appreciate your enthusiasm, boys. It's wonderful to see young boys interested in doing the Lord's work. But I think you might be a little bit off on the tone. Now you just watch me. [angrily into his megaphone] WHORES! FORNICATORS! THE LORD COMMANDS YOU TO REPENT! [to Beavis and Butt-head] See that? That's how it's done.
Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. If there's whores in there, this must be a whorehouse!
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah! A whorehouse!
Beavis
Yeah! You know, I always thought there should be a whorehouse here.
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes
