Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

[knocking frantically on the door] Everyone out! This is an emergency evacuation!

Butt-head

Dammit, what's going on out there?

Beavis

Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!

Butt-head

Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.

Beavis

Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.

Butt-head

He said "head of household."

Beavis

Oh yeah.

Beavis

Hey Butt-head, what does "apopalyptic" mean?

Butt-head

Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?

Beavis

Whoa! Does that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?

Butt-head

Uhhh, maybe.

Beavis

Let's go check it out.

Butt-head

Uh, okay.

Beavis

Maybe this will be cool.

Butt-head

Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.

Beavis

Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. [seeing an open register full of money] Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!

Butt-head

We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.

Beavis

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Butt-head

We can just like, take whatever we want.

Beavis

This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.

Butt-head

Uh, okay.

Beavis

I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.

Butt-head

I'm like full.

Beavis

Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?

Butt-head

No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.

Beavis

Oh, yeah.

Butt-head

Let's go live at Stewart's house.

Beavis

Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.

Butt-head

This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.

Beavis

The acapolypse is cool.

Butt-head

Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.

Beavis

Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.

Butt-head

Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?

Beavis

[picks up an urn] Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.

Butt-head

Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!

Beavis

You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? [drops the urn, and it spills] That's disgusting! No reason for that.

Butt-head

Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?

Beavis

Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!

Butt-head

Uh, hey baby.

Beavis

How's it going?

You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!

Butt-head

Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?

Beavis

Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.

Butt-head

You have no choice.

Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?

Butt-head

Uhh, no.

Beavis

I-I never could understand that crap.

It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. [fist bumps his dad]

Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?

Yaaay!

Butt-head

Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?

That's right.

Butt-head

Cool!

Beavis

Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.

Butt-head

Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.

Van Driessen

The Pythagorean Theorem can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.

Butt-head

Uhh...

Van Driessen

Yes, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.

Beavis

Yeah yeah.

Van Driessen

Uh, why not?

Butt-head

'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!

Beavis

Yeah yeah! That's right!

Van Driessen

This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?

Butt-head

Tell that to the Lord.

Beavis

But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! [they get up to leave]

Butt-head

You're going to hell.

Coach Buzzcut

Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!

Butt-head

Whoa! You're definitely going to hell.

Beavis

Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...

Butt-head

To each his own.

So, thanks to Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.

Butt-head

We're popular.

Beavis

That's us.

Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. [pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design] I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...

Butt-head

Uhhh, wait a minute.

Beavis

Oh boy...

Butt-head

I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.

Beavis

Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...

Coach Buzzcut

Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?

Butt-head

Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?

Coach Buzzcut

SHUT UP! Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

Butt-head

Uh, feel someone else?

Coach Buzzcut

SHUT UP! Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.

Butt-head

Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Cool!

Coach Buzzcut

Yes, but let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!

Beavis

So, do not copy my butt?

Coach Buzzcut

SAY IT AGAIN.

Beavis

Do not copy my butt!

Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.

Hang on, I think I see just what we need. [notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink] That guy is tweaking for sure! [approaches the boys] Are you holding, sugar?

Beavis

Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.

That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.

Beavis

Oh yeah?

Butt-head

Uhhh, you do?

Beavis

I am holding.

I need you to come with me though, is that alright?

Butt-head

Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.

Beavis

Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Great. [they approach the van] Just get in the van.

Butt-head

Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?

Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!

Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.

Yes! The stars of the party are here!

Butt-head

Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.

Beavis

Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!

Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?

I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.

And I told you we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.

[knocking on the door] Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?

Nothing, Ma!

Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?

SHUT UP!!! [locks the door] Man... [laughs jovially] I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!

Butt-head

Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?

Beavis

Yeah, um, I don't show my "white dragon" to dudes. Sorry.

Butt-head

Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.

Beavis

Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.

Come on, guys, break out the stuff!

Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.

Break out the drugs!

Butt-head

Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.

No drugs?

And no router???

I thought you said you found someone!

She probably did it all behind our backs!

Uh, so what you think, guys? Can you see yourself driving this car?

Butt-head

Uhh, yeah.

Beavis

Yeah, I can see that. That would be cool! I bet we could score.

Yes, yes, definitely my friend. I must congratulate you both, you picked a very good day to buy a car.

Butt-head

Yeah. We're smart.

So you can see the price is $3000, but let's talk, you know? Tell me, what will it take to get you into this car today?

Butt-head

Uhhh, you said something about zero?

Beavis

Yeah, that'll work. Zero point zero.

Heh heh heh, I don't think my manager would go for that, but maybe I could give you, you know, maybe $500 off this price. It's good.

Butt-head

Uh, you're gonna give us $500 to take the car?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! Cool! We'll take it!

Uh, no! No! That's not what I meant. No, I cannot do that. No.

Butt-head

Uhh, hmm...

Beavis

I don't know, Butt-head. Are we still okay at zero?

Butt-head

Uhh, I don't know. A free car doesn't sound so great after he was gonna give us $500 to take it.

Beavis

Yeah.

Wait, wait, no. I did not ever say-

Beavis

I don't know, Butt-head, I mean, you know zero dollars for a car, you know, I mean that's not bad.

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis, gas is expensive. Uh, I'll take like, $250 from you to take this car, but that's like, my final offer.

[after returning the crashed car] Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.

I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.

Butt-head

Uh, no way!

Beavis

Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff.

Butt-head

Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore.

Beavis

Yeah. We want a fresh one.

Butt-head

Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you to give us a thousand dollars to take the new one.

Beavis

Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one. Look at it now, you know?

Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You gotta buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!

Butt-head

Uh, we don't have licenses.

Beavis

Yeah, OR insurance company.

[to Hamid; infuriated] You DIDN'T get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!