Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

So that dude must have started his own whorehouse.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, wow. Why didn't we think of that? Damn it.

Whores! Fornicators! [gives a couple protest signs to Beavis and Butt-head] Here you go. You boys are gonna need a sign.

Butt-head

Yeah. We'll help you get the word out.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. We really appreciate what you're doing here, you know? It's just great.

[chuckles] Well I'm just glad there are people your age as passionate as I am about putting fallen women on the righteous path, boys. That's what we're all about here. [into his megaphone] Whores! Fornicators!

Butt-head

Yeah. On a path where they've fallen on my wiener.

Beavis

We're finally gonna do it! It's really gonna happen!

Stop right there.

Butt-head

Uh, don't worry, dude, we're cool.

Beavis

Yeah. You can just let us in.

Please step back onto the sidewalk.

Butt-head

Uh, we know the owner. So I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and step aside.

Beavis

Yeah, just step aside. I don't have a lot of time. I'm busy.

If you do not step back onto the sidewalk, I will have to escort you off the property.

Butt-head

Escorts?

Beavis

Have you done them already?

Butt-head

[as they approach a hotel] It won't be long now, Beavis. Soon we will hear her voice. This is gonna be cool.

Beavis

It's a long walk, but you know, it's worth it.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Butt-head

Okay. Get ready, Beavis.

Beavis

[pushing a button] Pee...

Butt-head

Here she comes.

Going down. [the boys cackle]

Butt-head

Going down.

Beavis

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

P-1. Going down.

Beavis

Going down.

Butt-head

Going down.

Number two, please.

Butt-head

Number two.

[as they try to get help in the trapped elevator] Listen, I think that roof panel comes off. And we can get out that way. I'll get on top of you...

Butt-head

You'll what?

And we can build a three-way boost...

Beavis

[as they cackle endlessly] Okay!

[annoyed] Hey!

Beavis

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!

Butt-head

Three way.

HEY! Hey, shut up! [the boys immediately stop laughing] Okay, listen. Do you guys wanna have sex?

Butt-head

Uh, okay.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah! I mean, if it's not too much trouble.

Okay, here's how we're gonna do it. One of you gets down on all fours, and the other gets on top of him in the same position.

Butt-head

Whatever you say, baby.

Yeah, just like that! [she begins to climb Beavis and Butt-head]

Beavis

Ow!

Butt-head

Alright, lady. Get on up there- ow. [the lady opens the roof panel and climbs out, leaving Beavis and Butt-head atop one another]

Beavis

I can't believe our luck!

Butt-head

This is gonna be cool!

Beavis

Butt-head, I think I found a clue! [beckons to some bathroom graffiti reading "Jason Eats Balls"] There's words!

Butt-head

Hmm. Words. Let's see. Ja-son... eats... balls... Jason eats balls. Hmm...

Beavis

Huh. But what does it mean?

Butt-head

Who is Jason? Why does he eat balls? Whose balls does he eat?

Beavis

The mummy's balls?

Butt-head

Perhaps.

Butt-head

This mummy forgot to like leave clues or something.

Beavis

Whoa, Butt-head look! I found a clue, look. A turd.

Butt-head

Hmmm. Now we're getting somewhere, Beavis. Finally. A real clue.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Now why would someone put a turd in a toilet? Hmm...

Beavis

It just doesn't make sense. Wait a minute! Maybe someone took a du- [Butt-head smacks him] AHH!

Butt-head

Damn it, Beavis, shut up, I'm thinking.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah yeah... sorry.

Butt-head

Beavis, you mean well, but you're a dumbass. I have figured it out. That turd can mean only one thing. This mummy is disgusting.

Beavis

Um, Fire, do you engender when I put an M-80 in Mr. Anderson's mailbox and it started a big fire?

Yes, that was me.

Beavis

Remember when I found my first lighter, and it was like, fire! Yeah.

I remember. I am Fire!

Beavis

Have you ever been in a volcano?

I am in all the volcanoes!

Beavis

And what about that forest fire?

That was a great day.

Beavis

Yeah, Smokey the Bear sucks. Yeah.

It's not his fault. I killed his parents. He's just trying to mend the hole in his heart that I put there.

Beavis

Yeah, you're cool.

Quite so. And you, Beavis, are my special one.

Beavis

You know, um, maybe we should just like, get used to living in this box, you know? It's not that bad, really. It's kinda growing on me actually.

Butt-head

Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

Beavis

Maybe life is better in the box, you know? Maybe we'll meet some chicks in here or something.

Butt-head

There's no chicks in the box, dumbass!

Beavis

Well not now, but you know, like maybe if we were more outgoing, you know?

Butt-head

Uh, what the hell is going on here?

Beavis

What did they do to this place, Butt-head? What's going on?

Van Driessen

Beavis and Butt-head! What a pleasant surprise to see you this here.

Beavis

What happened to the parking lot? What did you do?

Van Driessen

Well once a month, we have a farmers' market here, and it turns into a cornucopia of locally sourced farm-to-table cuisine.

Beavis

Does "cornucopia" mean butthole?

Butt-head

It sure does, Beavis.

Butt-head

Uh, so like, honey for sale.

Beavis

Fresh honey! It's really expensive.

Butt-head

That's right, it's like a thousand dollars.

Beavis

Buy it right now, for money!

Van Driessen

Beavis and Butt-head! [Noticing their multiple stings] Boys, are you feeling okay?

Beavis

Buy our honey. Our bees made it, yeah. Check it out.

Butt-head

[hands Van Driessen a cup] That's right. It's expensive. Fresh from the bug's butt.

Van Driessen

[samples the "honey"] This tastes like shampoo, m'kay?

Beavis

What? Our bees made shampoo?

Butt-head

These dumb bugs made the wrong stuff!

Van Driessen

Guys, these are not bees. They're wasps. Wasps don't make honey.

Butt-head

We know, dumbass. They made shampoo.

Beavis

[dazed] Ow... it's okay, it's okay. I'm alright. I don't wanna be late for kindergarten. Circle time sucks. Whoa! That's a cool bowl. Never seen anything like that before. I'll be damned.

Butt-head

Get the ladder, Beavis!

Beavis

Oh hey! Who are you?

Butt-head

I'm Butt-head, ass face!

Beavis

Um... Which of those is your name, and which one is what you're calling me?

Butt-head

Just get the ladder, dumbass.

Beavis

What's a ladder?

Butt-head

It's that thing over there that's a ladder.

Beavis

Oh yeah yeah, thanks ass face.

Butt-head

Uh, hello sir. We wanna like, swim and show off our guns.

Beavis

Yeah, let us in.

Sorry. You're banned.

Beavis

Can I just come in and take a whiz real quick?

No.

Butt-head

[they start climbing a tree to chase a raccoon] No one takes my nachos and gets away with it.

Beavis

Yup. Time to kick some ass.

Butt-head

You can run, but you can't hide, dumbass!

Beavis

... This tree feels kind of funny on my schlong.

Butt-head

They call it wood for a reason, Beavis. [they reach the top with the raccoon] There's no escape now. Prepare to have your ass shoved up your- [the Raccoon easily hops down and away from them] Uh... oh. I see.

Beavis

Um, Butt-head, the bears are going into our house.

Butt-head

Dammit, we gotta climb down there now.

Beavis

Um, yeah maybe later. Remember that thing I said on the way up about the tree feeling funny on my schlong? Um, I might just wanna stay here a while, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head

Beavis, you prevert, get out of the way now! Perv out with the tree on your own time, we gotta fight those bears! [begins kicking Beavis] Ah! Come on, Butt-head, come on! Just five more minutes, come on!

Butt-head

Damn you, Beavis!

Beavis

I'm almost-

Beavis

[climbs down and kicks Butt-head] Damn it, Butt-head, you ruined it.

Thanks for doing that with me, man. You're a great hang. I'll take you to the Maxi Mart now.

Beavis

Yeah, that's good, because we've been driving around a long time, and-

I just gotta pop in here and get oak milk, and four or five more things. Marcy can't handle regular milk. Remind me to tell you about that later. Oh, and trash bags.

Beavis

Giving me a ride was cool and everything, but, uh... but I'm just gonna walk for a while here. [Exits car]

[following Beavis] Good idea, man! I wanna walk too. Gotta get my steps in.

Beavis

Oh boy...

Never gonna get to 10,000 without my buddy keeping me honest, yo.

Beavis

I- I just need to go a different direction than you, because-

Beavis

I just gotta go. Butt-head's waiting at the Maxi Mart, so...

... Okay. I'll see you later, boss. No problem.

Beavis

Really?

Hey man, thanks for hanging out. Metallica's the best, right?

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Metallica kicks ass!

[pulls out his guitar] Dude, you're gonna love this song I wrote. You just gotta listen to this one song, then you can go.

Beavis

Um, I just- uh... oh God...