Old BeavisI'll tell you something, if I was a hitman, I would be the model of professionalism. AndI would even clean the grease traps if they wanted me to, you know?
Uh, there aren't any grease traps when you're a hitman, dumbass.
Old Beavis
Yeah, there are. They're on the grill.
You're thinking of Burger World.
Old Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, but, you know, I could do all my hits in Burger World, you know? Mix business with pleasure, you know? Oh, you knot what else? If I ran out of bullets or something, I'd give them like a triple cheeseburger, with a side of macho fries, and then they'd just die of heart disease, you know? I got time.
Also like, if you're a hitman, and you didn't wanna come into work one day, 'cause like, it was the weekend, you could just say your grandma died, and then if they said they were gonna go check, you could just kill her.
Old Beavis
Oh yeah- wait a second... no, I don't like that, Butt-head. That's messed up. You said you have to work on weekends as a hitman?
Uh, I think you have to with whenever someone needs killin'.
Old Beavis
Eh... this just might not work out. It was a beautiful dream...
[the video begins at a mechanic's auto body shop with Tank, Ty, and Trey wearing clean mechanics uniform, and girls posing intimately around them]
Boy, their mechanic uniforms are clean.
Beavis
Yeah, they're usually all covered with like grease, and oil, and stuff. It's probably because it's just, they're not fixing any cars, they're just like, doing it with girls.
"Here at TT&T Auto, we won't fix your car, but we will have sex with your women."
Beavis
"That's the TT&T guarantee."
"If we don't score with your women, your repair is free."
Beavis
Yeah. "Our satisfaction is guaranteed."
[the video starts with random people being shown]
RTRob Thomas
I'm not afraid of getting older, I'm one less day...
Old Beavis
Is this one of those videos where they show everyone who died during the year?
Uhhh, oh yeah. I think it is. It's like, one of those "In Memor-bab- Memorat-torium."
Old Beavis
So all these people did this year? [Rob Thomas is shown] Whoa, I thought that guy died years ago! Wow.
Uhhh, he might as well have.
Old Beavis
He's kind of looks like that room-mom, you know, in kindergarten that used to give like, juice boxes to everybody.
He drives a Subaru. [chortles]
Old Beavis
How come there's all this fire around them?
I think that means that all these people went to Hell.
Old Beavis
Oh, yeah yeah. Well, good for them. You know, I've heard good things about Hell, you know?
Yeah. I've heard they have fornication.
Old Beavis
Yeah yeah, and fire too, yeah!
Old Beavis
Yeah yeah, it's like a Benihana's down there.
Old Beavis
You know, Butt-head, I'm always afraid I'll see one of these, and then I'll see myself, and that's how I'll find out. And I'll be like, "Wait a second, I must have died this year!"
Don't worry, Beavis. You'll never be in one of these. No one will notice when you die.
Old Beavis
Shut up, Butt-head!
You could be dead right now, and I would not know or care.
Old Beavis
Shut up, Butt-head! You're freaking me out, come on.
I'd just step right over you.
Old Beavis
Shut up, Butt-head!
You'll be in the section of the show called "Good Riddance."
Hey, Beavis. This song is about a boner.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah. It's about a bad boner, isn't it?
There's no such thing as a bad boner, Beavis.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah. Um...no, wait a minute, Butt-head, I had a bad boner once. That's when I had the chicken pox, and I had my hands duct taped. That sucked.
Oh yeah. I'm sorry. I stand corrected.
Beavis
Hey, Butt-head. Sometimes when I play pool, like, when nobody's looking, I like to take that blue chalk, and like, like, chalk up the end of my wiener. It's pretty cool!
Yeah! That's cool! Doesn't that, like, hurt, though?
Beavis
Yeah, but, you know, no pain, no gain.
Hey, check it out, it's one of those magic 8-balls.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah, you like, ask one of those things a question, then you shake it up, and it tells you the answer.
Yeah. We should ask it, "Does this video suck?"
Beavis
Yeah. "Signs point to yes."
[the video opens with a janitor at a museum putting headphones on]
Old Beavis
Being a janitor would kick ass, 'cause like, you could just like, listen to music all night, and then you could just like spank your monkey wherever you want, and then you could clean it up, you know, because you already have the mop. See?
Yeah. It is the perfect crime.
[as a museum display of a Native American behind the janitor comes to life and begins to fist pump]
It was the Native Americans who first invented the fist pump.
[the janitor fist pumps while he watches Egyptian miniature people dancing]
Old Beavis
Whoa. What's his other hand doing?
He's doing a different kind of fist pump down there.
Old Beavis
Yeah, there's something else dancing down there about the same size.
[they both cackle]
Old Beavis
Yeah, he sure is. He's not shy about it either.
Old Beavis
Yeah, I mean, I don't really wanna see it, but you know, no one wants to see me do it either, so go for it. [a picture of Tiësto begins fist pumping] Oh look, Tiësto's spanking his monkey too!
Old Beavis
Yeah, you know, if you can't masturbate to your own music, what's the point?
Uh, I think this guy's like not even a janitor at all.
Old Beavis
Yeah, he's just a really considerate masturbator, you know? Yeah, he brings a mop with him, you know, and a bucket.
Yeah, at the front of the museum, they were like, "Sir, you're gonna have to leave that mop and bucket outside." And then he's like, "Uh, no, you're gonna thank me."
Old Beavis
"You're gonna be glad I did, believe me."
TTones
But your mama always said, "Look up into the sky, find the sun on a cloudy day..."
Beavis
What's she saying? "Mama always said look up into the sky?"
My mom never said anything like that.
Beavis
Yeah really, neither did mine. She's like "Beavis, mama's got the liquor flu. Get out of here and close the door. Don't slam it!"
[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said that she's hung over, just make yourself some cheerios.
Beavis
[imitating Tones's singing] Mama always said "There's food in the fridge, I'll be back in about two weeks."
Beavis
Whoa, check it out Butt-head, it's an outie.
That's not an outie Beavis, there's two of 'em. These are nipples.
Beavis
Those aren't nipples Butt-head, look how low they are.
No way Beavis, that's just because she doesn't have any legs or a butt.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah.
Besides, nipples can be low. Just look at your mom.
Beavis
Yeah, Yeah. Guess they are nipples.
Beavis
Whoa! Check out that black dude.
Yeah. He's gonna save the day.
Beavis
Oh yeah, yeah.
Beavis
Check it out. He's shaking his head. Wake up! Wake up, wonky.
Yeah. That dude's like saying 'Damn it, quit messing with my head and go get my legs'.
Beavis
Get 'em.
Beavis
Check it out Butt-head, a slot.
Yeah. Your moth-er's a slot.
Beavis
That's not a moth-er. That's a bee.
Whoa, that dude's got a pet bee.
Beavis
You know. Pretty cool. If I had a bee, I'd like teach it to go sting people. It's like, sting 'em, boy! Sting 'em! Sting 'em in the butt, go!
Beavis
Ok, goodnight little dude. See you tomorrow.
Old Beavis
Is this Tyler, the Creator?
Old Beavis
I mean he's cool and everything, but he kinda needs a better name, you know?
If I was gonna be one of these guys, I would be like, Butt-head, the Scorer.
Old Beavis
Yeah, I'd be Beavis, the Mutilator.
You'd be Beavis, the Monkey-spanker.
Old Beavis
I guess that has a nice ring to it, I don't know. I mean, it's not my first choice, you know...?
Beavis and Butt-Head · 2,204 quotes