Smart Beavis quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Butt-head

This dude sounds like he was neutered!

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

This is Satanic country music.

Beavis

Yeah. I feel like killing myself.

Butt-head

It is in these hills that Juan Valdez and his trusty goat gather coffee beans every morning.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Look at that guy's face!

Butt-head

Yeah. I can make a face like that, check this out. [opens his mouth]

Beavis

Um...that wasn't very good, Butt-head. [a woman frying a fish has a broad grin on her face] AAHHHHH! AAH!

Butt-head

Whoa!

Beavis

Th - that was scary, man.

Butt-head

Yeah. That scared the bejesus out of me.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Aaawwwwww!

Butt-head

Yeah. Aaawwwwww.

I'm lookin' California...

Butt-head

Whoa! Seattle kicks ass!

Beavis

Yeah. Is everybody in Seattle cool?

Butt-head

Yeah. If you go to Seattle, anybody you see is cool. We should go, dude.

Beavis

Yeah. Yeah.

Butt-head

Boy, this music sucks.

Beavis

Um...what music? Oh, oh yeah! So like, um, what is this "two of hearts" crap?

Butt-head

You know, like, when you're playing poker.

Beavis

Uh, oh yeah. Yeah. I'm familiar with that game, yeah.

Butt-head

When I see this chick, there's a full house in my pants.

Beavis

Oh yeah. I have a straight! [changes channel]

Butt-head

Is that Billy Idol?

Beavis

This is a story.

Butt-head

Yeah! The story is: Once upon a time, Fonzie dyed his hair blond, and got on his motorcycle.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

And, uhh...uh, then he started singing, and this woman dropped this TV out of her window.

Beavis

No way. Then he got in a motorcycle accident. And there was blood. The end.

Look at me again and there's gonna be a fight...

Beavis

There's gonna be a fight?

Butt-head

Yeah. It's gonna be one of those girl fights.

Beavis

Fight! Fight!

Butt-head

Whoa! He's gonna get some 'cause he's "Weird Al."

Beavis

Yeah. If you're famous, all you have to do is just walk up to chicks and say, "Give me some."

Butt-head

Yeah.

Butt-head

These guys aren't even playing their instruments.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah. Their fingers aren't even moving. What a bunch of fartknockers!

Butt-head

You mean fakers, Beavis.

Beavis

Um, yeah, they're fakers, but like, they're fartknockers, too.

Butt-head

Is this, like, about the mail?

Beavis

Yeah, I think so. Where does the mail go?

Butt-head

I think it, like, goes down into these pipes underground.

Beavis

Oh, really? Then where does it go?

Butt-head

I think it, like, goes to the North Pole. And then they, like, put a stamp on it, and then it goes back to your house.

Beavis

Really? Thanks, Butt-head. You're interesting.

Butt-head

Uh, are those butts in that bottle?

Beavis

Ummm...

Butt-head

Did you know that, like, every time someone smokes a cigarette down to the end, it's like, kissing a butt?

Beavis

Oh yeah. That's cool.

Butt-head

Uh...you know what, Beavis?

Beavis

Um, no, what?

Butt-head

I don't really feel like watching this right now.

Beavis

Yeah, maybe we should, you know, like, try watching it again later.

Butt-head

Yeah, I thought of that, too.

Beavis

Uh huh.

Butt-head

You know, if it's on.

Beavis

I understand, yeah.

Butt-head

But if it's not on...

Beavis

M hm?

Butt-head

...who gives a rat's ass?

Beavis

Yeah. [changes channel to the video "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" by Elton John and RuPaul]

I wish it didn't have to be this way. I really do. But sometimes in life, we have to protect our own heart, even if it means ripping it out of our chest.

Old Butt-head

Yes!

Old Beavis

Ooooh, yeah! Hell yeah!

Old Butt-head

That's how we do it around here!

Old Beavis

Yeah! America! Yeah!

Old Butt-head

I bet we could do better than those guys. We should become hitmen.

Old Beavis

Yeah yeah, really! That's a good idea, yeah! How do you become a hitman though? Oh, I know! Maybe I'll ask at the unemployment office! Yeah! See if they have any hitman jobs, you know?

Old Butt-head

Uh, sure. Can't hurt to ask.

Old Beavis

You know, at my last job interview, the guy asked me to stop jiggling my leg, and I said "Shut up or I'm gonna kill you!" But see, this time, on this job interview, that might get me the job, see?