Ray Gillette quotes from Archer

Ray

Viola!

Malory

No! I am not sharing a room with you!

Ray

No, I'm sharing it with you, and it's the last one in the hotel. No view, but it has two queens.

Malory

Where's the other one? Greasing up in the bathroom?

Ray

Hey! You know what?

Lana

Ray, this is fine, two of us will just have to double up...

Malory

Exactly, two of you.

Ray

Exsqueeze me?

Lana

Why would she pay four millions dollars for unverified information?

Ray

Well, either she's getting Alzheimer's...

Archer

Hey.

Ray

Or it's another sex-tape.

Archer

HEY! [pause] Actually, that would not surprise me.

Archer

I have a plan to get the money back. [See's Ray carrying a bag of toiletries] That doesn't include you taking my hotel toiletries!

Ray

You're not using them.

Archer

Yes, I am.

Ray

Go look at your pores then tell me you're using them. Then tell me your little genius plan.

Archer

Rob the casino.

Ray

Thanks for the lotion.

Archer

He's headed for the coast road!

Ray

Thanks Captain Obvious!

Ray

For God's sake woman, are you hearing yourself? He's your son, not a...

Lana

Ray, she got him to quit drinking...

Ray

[Lifts guns] So what's the plan?

Malory

I swear, if any one saw me in this awful van.

Lana

How could they with this illegal ass window tint. Dude, this van is like, rolling probable cause.

Malory

So all ashore from the S.S. Date Rape.

Ray

Toot toot.

Archer

Is anybody hit? Not really the explosive climax I thought it was gonna be.

Ray

Is nobody gonna touch that? Seriously?

Pam

What a hunk

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

And whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Pam

What a hunk!

Cheryl

Total sploosh.

Lana

Yeah, gotta give him a sploosh.

Ray

...and whatever my equivalent of sploosh is. Which I guess is just sploosh. Only with semen.

Ray

You're taking me out of the field?

Malory

Well unless we need someone to go undercover as a shopping cart...

Cheryl

If this doesn't work, we just paid a hundred buck for liquid fart.

Pam

Yeah, well, here's shit in your eye.

Ray

Oh God, it tastes worse than it smells!

Pam

Man, if I had a nickel for every time I heard a guy say that... [Brightly] I'd have eight nickels!

Malory

Anyway, effective immediately, I'm promoting Cyril to field agent.

[simultaneously] What?!

Archer

Hey, that sounds great. Best of luck. [turns to leave]

Malory

Where do you think you're going?

Archer

Oh, sorry, I gotta get back to Earth before the Stargate closes.

Malory

Get back in here!

Archer

Mother, the chevrons are locking!

Krieger

I needed help...disseminating him.

Cheryl

Eww!

Pam

Not what it means.

Lana

Still pretty gross though.

Krieger

And brilliant. When I'm done with him, each one of us will walk out the front door carrying a small parcel.

Ray

How small?

Krieger

[holding hands a little over a foot apart] Eh. Then on our way home, we simply drop the parcels into seven different trash cans in three different boroughs.

Lana

That's...actually pretty smart.

Krieger

And hopefully, when you look at all the different drop points on a map, it'll look like a big smiley face.

Lana

That's actually pretty gross.

Cyril

Every single time we come here, we have to help you get rid of a dead body.

Malory

Well you've only been here twice.

Ray

Speaking of, why the hell was the prime minister of Italy here?

Don't ask.

Pam

And follow-up, did those dastardly dagoes kill him and then dress him up like a big, giant penis, or...

Malory

Oh, God, that reminds me. KRIEGER!

Krieger

Yeah, I found it!

Cyril

Found what?

Don't ask!

Krieger

Can I keep it?

Cheryl

Keep what?

Don't ask!

Malory

Just get it out of here, please!

Krieger

Yeah, take that tone.

Cyril

I hate all of you so much.

Ray

No one cares, Figgis. You're only here to round out the numbers.