“El Secuestro” · Season 2, Episode 10
In this episode: Malory Archer (8), Pam Poovey (7), Cheryl Tunt (7), Lana Kane (4), Kidnapper (3), Ray Gillette (2)
And then he was like--
"You're a moped."
How'd you know? And what's it mean, anyway?
Mopeds are fun but you don't want your buddies to see you riding one.
Oh... I thought he meant I was fuel efficient. Only had ten beers.
Forties?
No... yes. Hence the shandy!
I spent, like, every summer there listening to my creepy great-grandmother bitch about Abraham Lincoln. Apparently slavery was pretty awesome.
Prove it.
What's to prove? It's free labor.
Why would anyone want to kidnap you?
Because my last name isn't Gimple, like it says on my W-4. It's Tunt.
Tum again?
[looking out the window of Cheryl's mansion] Is... that...
[rolling her eyes] Yesss...
The Roosevelt Mansion?!
It's a shitbox, they're weird.
[A kidnapper punches Pam in the face]
Who taught you how to punch? [Spits] Your husband?
[Archer is talking to the kidnappers]
How long do I need to keep them on?
Two minutes.
What?!
What happened to thirty seconds?!
Uh, your mother's budget priorities?!
You idiots! This isn't Cheryl Tunt!
That's what I've been tryin' to tell ya. Between this little gal's love-taps-- [Kidnapper hits Pam in the face] Seriously, maybe see if your daddy'll give you a roll of nickels.
Screw them! Especially Cheryl; I hope you kidnap the shit out of her.
It's crazy stupid boring in here!
Well, now you know how Babou feels.
...Crepuscular?
Archer and Ray had to leave through the garage.
Well, they're not dumb enough to leave the door wide open... are they?
[Cut to garage]
Yes!
Why?!
Because you're just wearing it to piss me off!
Is it working?
Yes, so take it off! We look totally gay!
I am gay.
Well, I'm not!
Then why are you wearing that turtleneck?
Thanks for getting us inside, Pam. [beat] Someone shoot her.
Oh, OK, then good luck with all the biometric scanners. Unless you wanna cut off my fingers and scoop out my retinas. [Pause] Oh, don't be dicks!
[Pam's using a retina scanner]
Would you hurry up?!
Hey, I'm not the one smashed my eyes into eggplants! Nutsack!
[Archer is behind Cheryl, who is screaming]
Shut up! That vest is bullet-proof!
Oh. [gets shot in the arm] OW!
But it is, y'know, a vest.
[To Malory] And you! The worst of the bunch!
Me? Why me?
Five thousand measly dollars?!
Y'know, maybe I low-balled him at first... But I had some wiggle room.
Yeah? Well let's see how much you wiggle when I'm whupping five thousand buck's worth of your ass.
What the--?
What the hell is that?
Ugh, my stupid ocelot.
[leaves, excited] I've never seen an ocelot!
Uh, Cheryl, dear, I don't quite know how to put this, but--
[OC] Holy shit! You guys, look at its little spots!
How much are you--
Look at its tufted ears!
Worth?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
