“Movie Star” · Season 2, Episode 7
In this episode: Malory Archer (4), Pam Poovey (4), Ray Gillette (4), Cheryl Tunt (3), Rona (3), Lana Kane (2), Cyril Figgis (1)
[Pam has stolen Rona's journal]
Give me that! Little miss invasion of the privacy snatchers!
Oh, come on! Haven't you ever snooped on somebody you thought was dreamy?
No! Well, except Randy Muckler who, turns out, was just leading me on to get out of the draft. So, I made a phone call to the draft board and now who's laughing, Mr. Hooks for Hands? A booby trap blew his arms off.
So then it's settled. We're a go on Operation... what should we called it?
Dick Sledge.
You wanna...
No, but it's like sour milk. You just gotta take a whiff. What's the story, Neckbones?
Sophomore year at my stupid college, I had a huge crush on the quarterback, this super-hot guy named Dick Sledge...
Sploosh!
Jinx.
...but it was like I was invisible. He wouldn't even sign my cast when I broke my own arm. But I thought if I knew what he liked, then I'd have an in, so one Saturday when he had a game, I broke into his dorm room to see what music he was into, or turtles, or roll around in his clothes or whatever, but...
You were so busy sniffing his jock, you didn't hear him come in...
Because he totally snuck up on me. And I guess I blacked out because I don't remember stabbing him at all.
Why'd you have a knife?!
I didn't! It was a stupid pair of scissors, and it was his fault for grabbing me with his throwing hand! That's how his tendon got severed!
Holy shitsnacks.
Yeah, they said he could've gone pro.
Why not?
Because it's just not believable that this guy, who also can not be named Cassius, would risk his career for a woman twice his age.
So make her forty.
Yeah, and who's gonna play her?
Me! That's the whole point!
You do realize there's a finite supply of Vaseline in the universe.
[loading up in the armory] No, shut up, we go in, drop the journal, and get out--no snooping.
[wearing infrared goggles] Aw, come on! I just wanna see if me and her have stuff in common, like...
Tons of cock porn lying around?
I don't have cock porn just layin' around! But sometimes, you know, you forget it's in the VCR.
How do you forget?
You rub one out, flip back to regular TV, Superstars is on, and all of a sudden, here's Joe Frazier's dumb ass drowning, you forget it's in there! Until Mom and Dad come to visit to tell you she's got Lou Gehrig's disease.
Why would you think it's okay to share that?
Come, Kriegerbots, avenge your fallen comrade! What voice is that? Is that from Bullwinkle?
[with Lana's sniper scope] Oh my God, I can see my penthouse!
Well unless there's a sniper in it...
Well somebody's in it. Who the fuck's in my fucking penthouse?!
[In the penthouse are Ray and Pam with their hands up, and Cheryl, whose hands are behind her back]
We are! We're complying!
You! Get your fricking hands up!
You're not my supervisor!
Shut up, we're gonna go to prison.
No we're not. Say the right stuff, and they just send you to a mental hospital for ten months.
I just this second realized why you do macrame instead of knitting.
Yeah, no sharp objects on the ward. They were super strict about that.
These like Kung-Fu monks make this fifty foot tape, like a cloth measuring tape, but it's kelp.
Ah...
And you swallow over, like, three days and you start to, y'know, pass it. Then you just slowly, slowly pull it out of you over three more days...
Wait, what?!
It pulls all the toxins out of your body. And you just feel so clean.
[Eavesdropping] Oh yeah? While you're tangled in a half-mile of shit covered tape? ... Frickin' actresses.
Lana, hush! If you sit quietly, the toxin should wear off in, like, four hours. But if you struggle, your heart could...
[Bursting in with his gun drawn] Freeze!
[Patting the voice-changing gadget] Is my new favourite device of ever.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
