And I don't want another one of your sullen whores using my medicine cabinet like a Pez dispenser.
“Killing Utne” · Season 1, Episode 4
In this episode: Malory Archer (9), Cheryl Tunt (4), Cyril Figgis (4), Lana Kane (2), Pam Poovey (2), Woodhouse (2), Dr. Krieger (1)
You said no dates.
I said no such thing.
Well, your mouth did.
Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!
Um, phrasing?
[to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.
Could we get off my fingers?
Yeah, they are pretty big.
First time I've heard you complain.
All I've had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.
[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.
Or with her.
[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.
She probably uses the metric system.
Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?
No. In this case, it would be pascals.
Hey, Europe: be gayer.
Lana, release him!
As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.
I find your mannish hands disturbing.
I think they're kinda sexy.
Excuse me?
They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.
[as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.
Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.
[as everybody laughs] Mother!
Wait, whose bed?
It was always "don't ask, don't tell."
Woodhouse! What are you doing?!
Uh, sitting down, sir.
What, at the table?!
Sterling.
Like people?!
Sterling!
What?! Look, he thinks he's people!
But they were blanks! Weren't they?
Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.
[carrying Torvald's body] I should be carrying her.
[carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.
[All dialogue and action unseen]
All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Wait, what?!
Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!
Oh, Jesus.
[Muffled gunshot]
Ew.
You're next.
God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.
Shut up.
Come on! Everybody shoots!
Hey, I wanna go!
[Five muffled gunshots]
Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...
No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.
Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...
Wha... oh.
Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!
But this gun--it was a gift.
Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!
You don't know.
Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.
[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]
Oh, hot potato!
We still didn't get the UN contract.
Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!
That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.
Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?
It would be weirder if you weren't.
Oh, I thought we were laughing at the dead people we set on fire.
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