[All dialogue and action unseen]
All right, drop them there next to that awful Louis Quinze repro. [Thump, clatter] Now, then. We want this to look like a classic hooker/murder/suicide. So... Cyril, take Sterling's gun and pump a round into his prostitute.
Everyone shoots the chippy! That way, we're all in it together. Think of it as a team-building exercise.
But ODIN gets to go on Outward Bound.
Well, ODIN can suck it! Now shoot!
[Muffled gunshot]
CherylEw.
God, Cyril, that was... [gunshot] pathetic.
Come on! Everybody shoots!
[Five muffled gunshots]
Now, Sterling, drop your gun between the bodies...
No! Have you ever seen CSI? This is already like Clue Town.
Not for long. Dr Krieger, dear...
Cyril, call 911 from their phone and leave it off the hook, and... Sterling!
But this gun--it was a gift.
Oh, please! Nobody gives you gifts!
Whatever you say, dear. Dr. Krieger.
[Flick of a lighter, slight plume of flame]
We still didn't get the UN contract.
Oh, but I will. And I'll get to see Trudy Beekman try to explain this little barbecue to the co-op board!
That smell takes me back--just like a Zambesi feast.
Yeah, I'm kinda hungry. Is that weird?
It would be weirder if you weren't.
Cheryl
I think that's hot, like somebody murdering me is so... intimate.
[Later, discussing her fetish]
Cheryl
You seriously don't think that's hot?
I seriously think you're scary.
Cheryl
No no no no, like, a big, sweaty fireman carries you out of a burning building, lays you on the sidewalk and you think, "yeah, okay, he's gonna give me mouth-to-mouth", but instead he just starts choking the shit out of you, and the last sensation that you feel before you die is he is squeezing your throat so hard that a big, wet, blob of drool drips off his teeth and just, flurp, falls right onto your popped-out eyeball.
[Awkward pause]
You know, I think we're making some real progress.
Cheryl
Where, in opposite world? We're never gonna finish all this!
We could, if certain people would help!
[Standing behind stacked cardboard boxes] I'm sorry, are you addressing me? Because your authority is not recognized in Fort Kickass.
Cheryl
Pick one. Either A, I tell Lana what happened on that scratchy green office rug, or two, you get inside me.
Or C, maybe I just jam this mop into the engine and kill all of us.
Cheryl
I don't think that's how blimps work.
Darn! Right, we just sort of float around. Stupid, naturally safe helium.
Cheryl
But I am liking the jamming imagery... [She rips open her shirt] and the killing.
[To Pam, who's sitting nearby] And you are just going to sit there?
Yeah, until she tags me in!
So, you're ruining Cyril's life because, in your dream-the-impossible-dream world, it'll make Mr. Archer jealous?
Cheryl
Oh, Pamela, you read me like a poem.
Yeah? What's the poem gonna be about when Cyril snaps and murders you?
Cheryl
I don't know. World's gushiest orgasm?
You're driving Cyril straight toward another woman.
Cyril? With another woman? Mallory, seriously. Look at me.
[Cut to Cheryl in bed, with Cyril on top on her, having sex, with Cyril choking Cheryl]
Cheryl
Look at me! Look at and choke me! Oh, yes! Yes! Oh my God yes!
Oh, my God, what am I doing?
[on the toilet in the open bathroom] You're ruining your life, you idiot! And making it hard to drop a deuce.
[Cheryl walks in to find Cyril with his hand over Pam's mouth]
Cheryl
Cyril! Are you cheating on me?
No. I'm just... uh... trying to get my muffin back.
Cheryl
No you're not!
Cheryl
Not like that, you're not. You gotta slug her in the diaphragm with a forearm shiver.
That's... ah... good to know.
Cheryl
Do it! [Cyril slams Pam in the gut. She collapses and vomits on the floor] And no muffin. See? Time lost is muffin lost.
[after Archer hits a polo ball out the window] God, you're a natural! Bet it's all that lacrosse at boarding school, no doubt.
13 years?! What, did she ship you off in kindergarten?! Gosh, that must've been tough.
No, I loved it. Uh... made a lot of good friends. [Quick cutaway to a young Archer sitting alone on the lacrosse field] Family, almost, is what they were.
Speaking of, how's your mother taking all this?
Oh, please. I bet she doesn't even miss me.
[Cut to ISIS]
[drunk on Absinthe] Because he'll be back, crying for his mommy! Just like that Christmas break when I moved and forgot to give my new address to his stupid boarding school. [Cheryl gasps.] I mean, he rode the train into the city all by himself. He couldn't pick up a phone book? Nine years old, and bawling in that police station like a little girl! What's that tell you?
Cheryl
Kind of a lot, actually.
Oh, shut up. I bet you're barren.
Cheryl
I'm sorry, Krieger, but it's over. So here's all your Creedence Clearwater albums back.
And now, a sad moon is on the rise.
Cheryl
I know, devastating. But it's not you, it's your weak womany hands.
Cheryl
It's like being choked by a child. Which I thought would be hot, but...
No, wait! I'll take steroids!
Cheryl
I can't wait! I need a man now, with monster hands.
Archer · 497 quotes
