Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

I have to go. But if I find one single dog hair when I get back, I'll rub...sand...in your dead little eyes.

Woodhouse

Very good, sir.

Archer

[pause] I also need you to buy sand.

Woodhouse

Yes, sir.

Archer

I don't know if they grade it, but... coarse.

Jesus, Archer. Do you think this is a game?

Archer

No, I think Jenga's a game, and...

What if I'd been real KGB?

Archer

I assume you would be trying to suck a promotion out of some Russian guy's cock.

Well, maybe I never get promoted...

Archer

...and never will...

...because my mommy's not the boss!

Archer

And maybe you just got your face kicked off! [Archer puts his foot in Krenshaw's face] That is my foot in your face. Smell the embarrassme-- [Krenshaw shocks Archer's foot with a golf cart battery]

ISIS isn't your own personal travel agency. It doesn't exist just so you can jet off to... Whore Island!

Archer

That's not... a real place.

I have fifty agents who would literally kill to move up to your position. And if you don't square up your operations account by Monday, they won't need to. Your position will be vacant! Sterling!

Archer

Sorry, I was picturing Whore Island.

Have I made myself clear?!

Archer

You're looking for the answer "yes"?

Yes.

Archer

Then yes.

Archer

There's my favorite section head!

Pam

I am dealing with the breakroom problem!

Archer

Oh, good, you caught the, uh, oh wait, I had something good for this... the... "Pita Predator".

Pam

You know what?

Archer

...Sorry, let's just call it what it is: food rapist.

Pam

Not a pretty name, is it?

Archer

What are you doing?

Cyril

Oh. Just dicing veggies for dinner. I always make Lana stirfry for dinner on Friday.

Archer

Neat. Listen...

Cyril

[very excitedly] Guess what we call it!

Archer

"Stir Friday?"

[long pause] Wow. That's actually better.

Archer

It's all yours. So come let me in the mainframe.

Archer

And after I gave you "Stir Friday!"

Cyril

Yeah, that is much better.

Archer

I know.

Archer

So, obviously, it would be a lot easier for me if you just disabled all that when you left work tonight... somehow.

Cheryl

Ooh, that would make me... uncomfortable.

Archer

Ugh, God, everything makes you uncomfortable!

Archer

Just the tip?

Archer

Just the tip?

Archer

Just the tip!

Archer

How was I supposed to know you're lactose intolerant?

Cheryl

Because I kept screaming it!

Cheryl

Are... are you gonna pay for your lunch?

Archer

Just the tip. [Pause] Actually, I don't have any cash on me. Could you... get it? I also need cab fare. Awww, Ugly Duckling. Quack Quack.

Archer

Whoa, I would not push her. That is a big gun and she is baby crazy.

Lana

"Baby crazy"?!

Archer

That's why I broke up with her.

Lana

You lying--! You sack of shit! I broke up with you because you're carrying around a 35-year-old umbilical cord!

Archer

See?! All you talk about is baby shit! Because you're baby crazy!

Lana

You want to see crazy?!

Archer

No! I've seen that movie and, spoiler alert, it ends with a closet full of my suits on fire!

Lana

I wish you'd been wearing one!

Archer

Who would want to wear an on-fire suit!

Lana

Cosplay enthusiasts!

Archer

What?

Lana

Wait! No! Shit!

Archer

Hey! I was just talking about you, and about how this isn't what it looks like.

Lot of that going around.

Archer

Yeah, it's an epidemic.

For example, my real name is Kremenski.

Archer

Is that... sound... is that Jewish?

It's Russian.

Archer

Um. [long pause] Russian Jewish?

I'm the mole, idiot.

Archer

Lana! Krenshaw's a mole! And his real name isn't Krenshaw, it's Kremenski. Definitely Russian! Possibly a Jew! Thoughts?

Picture her, dead in the gutter, and what your pathetic life would be like without old Mommy Dearest.

Lana

[Held at gunpoint by Archer] JESUS CHRIST! He's got an ERECTION!

[holding Malory hostage, but suddenly pushes her away] What is wrong with you people!?

Archer

[shoots Krenshaw] Me? Nothing! You, on the other hand--

[Hits Archer with her handbag] AN ERECTION?! The thought of me dying gives you an erection?!

Archer

Just half of one. The other half would have missed you. Oh wait...

Cyril

Yep, see here? Kremensky just stole 50,000 from Archer's acount. Must have been doing it all along.

Archer

Apology accepted. Ass douche.

Cyril

Hey!

Archer

What?

Lana

[Points a gun at Archer] Call him that again.

Archer

Make me!

Lana

What?

Archer

What? Mother, do you see this! This is a hostile work environment.

Archer

So, obviously I'm not happy about this whole arrangement, but...

Cyril

But your mother is, so...

Archer

But I wonder what Lana thinks about...

Cyril

Lana's not "need to know" this.

Archer

Wow. "Open purse, remove balls," huh?

Cyril

Besides, I'm sure it's not the first time you've kept a secret from Lana.

Archer

Uh hello! Herpes?!

Cyril

YOU GAVE LANA HERPES?!

Cyril

Hello, Cheryl.

Cheryl

It's Carol.

Archer

Wha-- Since when?

Cheryl

Since I had it legally changed because you always call me Carol.

Archer

Well that's just... Excuse us.

Cyril

What is this herpes business?

Archer

Bad joke. And a false alarm.

Archer

This is what a real field agent uses.

Cyril

The point is a lot finer than I prefer.

Archer

That's because it's a hypodermic needle and the cartridge is full of a deadly super-toxin called poiso... caine. [puts the pen in Cyril's shirt-pocket] Keep it in here. But be careful, because the cap slips off for, like, no reason.

Archer

Oh my God, you killed a hooker!

Cyril

Call girl! She was a call girl!

Archer

No, Cyril, when they're dead, they're just hookers!

Cyril

Will I get to learn karate?

Archer

Karate?! The Dane Cook of martial arts?! No. ISIS agents use Krav Maga.

Cyril

When would you use an underwear gun?

Archer

Hopefully never. But say you're in a Caribbean bungalow, and you're kind of high, an exotic woman on the bed. Now is she just the high-priced whore you asked for? Or is she an... assassin?

Cyril

I don't know.

Archer

Oh, here's room service. Who ordered champagne?

Cyril

Ah. How should I know?

Archer

Exactly. You're baked. You can't remember. But since when does it take three huge surly Jamaican guys to deliver one bottle of champagne?

Cyril

Ohh. Because they're assassins too?

Archer

Or.. Maybe one guy's a new waiter. The second one's training him, and the third's from maintenance, finally off his lazy ass to fix the A.C.

Cyril

Oh, yeah. I guess that could happen.

Archer

Point is, you come out of the john waving this around... no one's gonna bug you for a tip.