Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Archer

Sour mix? In a margarita? What is this, Auschwitz?

Archer

[Seeing Cyril's orange snow clothes on the ground] Okay, so...really don't know what to make of that. Unless...[Looks around] Wait, no, no. Get it out of your head. Predator only hunts in tropical jungles...I assume...and desperately hope.

Archer

Ray's gonna be a cyborg over my dead body! Or preferably his! [Pause] But somebody's!

Archer

Damn you, tinnitus, you're a cruel mistress!

Archer

[To Ray] You're shitting me! Bionic legs and you lift with your back?!

Archer

Cyril, if you call ISIS: I will literally, literally murder you! I'd rather die than sit through another one of Lana's I Told You So 's

Archer

He's a Master Chef! Which, turns out, is not nearly as gay a job as I thought it was. I mean, it's no secret agent, but it's way above architect.

Malory

[To Bilbo] Clean the impending massive heart attack out of your ears!

Archer

SMOKE FIGHT! WOOOO!

Archer

Don't ruin the moment.

Archer

[to Kazak the dog] Okay, buddy, so here's the deal. A., scrooch down! And B., normally in this situation, I'd do a PIT maneuver, but if I do, the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case scenario, she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is, like, Brazilian and twenty. [Kazak growls] Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kind of shitty plan [jams the canteen against the gas pedal] but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the... [Kazak barks] Wheel, exactly. So— [sees Kazak is gone] Kazak? [Sees Kazak has jumped onto the truck and is mauling the kidnappers] Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires!

Archer

Well, he died doing what he loved...getting shot.

Archer

Goddammit, how are we not doing "phrasing"?!

Archer

Cyril, shut your pout-hole, accept that Lana was so far out of your league that impregnating her would've basically been interspecies breeding, and get on with your life!

Archer

No, Kenny Loggins! Nothing can make up for almost killing me over a briefcase of what I can only assume is either plutonium or a human soul!