Malory Archer quotes from Archer

Cheryl

Hey, Pam, check this out.

Pam

Holy shit snacks!

Malory

We have snacks?!

Pam

Holy hell, what happened to you?

Malory

Scatterbrain Jane...

Archer

I am the best at this, Rain Man! OK. I'm like...

Cyril

Who? James Bond?

Archer

Well, I don't like to invite that comparison, but yeah, basically.

Cyril

So do something!

Archer

I'm doing all kinds of stuff, Cyril. I'm shooting the gun, see. I'm driving the car.

Cyril

I could drive better than that.

Archer

So knock yourself out. I'm ejecting.

Cyril

Oh no you are not. you are totally not...

Archer

I totally am not.

Cyril

Oh, I think we're pretty diverse.

Lana

Ha! Please...

Archer

What? You're black... ish...

Lana

"ISH?"

Archer

Well, what's the word for it, Lana? You freaked out when I said "Quadroon!"

Lana

Imagine that!

Archer

You imagine it!

Malory

Both of you, imagine shutting up!

Lana

[about Conway] And what do we know about this guy?

Archer

Only that he's uncircumcised.

Lana

[Pause] Okay, glossing over how you know that--

Archer

We touched penises.

Lana

NO, GLOSSING! But wait, an uncircumsized Jewish guy? Isn't that kinda weird to you?

Archer

What's weird about that? I'm not Jewish but I am circum--

Lana

That's not how it works!

Archer

Oh Lana, I think we both know it works just fine.

Lana

What are you doing?

Archer

Uh, none-of-your-business-ing. And what kind of spy agency scrimps on a freaking shredder?

Pam

And don't go starting rumors about Conway boning your mother.

Pam

You get any of that in the trashcan?

Archer

No. I missed on purpose.

Lana

I want you to listen to me.

Archer

Then unperforate my eardrum.

Lana

Un... head up your ass.

Archer

Conway?

Conway

Yeah, buddy.

Archer

Are there more bad guys behind me?

Conway

Nope.

Archer

You dick.

Archer

You said no dates.

Malory

I said no such thing.

Archer

Well, your mouth did.

Malory

Well, your mouth better get over there and make Torvald happy!

Archer

Um, phrasing?

Malory

[to Archer] Regale him with tales of ISIS exploits. Take his mind off Lana's huge Johnny Benchian fingers.

Lana

Could we get off my fingers?

Cyril

Yeah, they are pretty big.

Lana

First time I've heard you complain.

Dr. Krieger

[on Elke] Like to get a physical from her.

Cyril

Or with her.

Lana

[performing painful nerve hold on Cyril] I wonder if Dr. Panty Model knows how many pounds of pressure it takes to snap a human collarbone.

Cyril

She probably uses the metric system.

Pam

Yeah, what do they use--kilowatts?

Dr. Krieger

No. In this case, it would be pascals.

Cheryl

Hey, Europe: be gayer.

Malory

Lana, release him!

Lana

As you wish. [She releases Cyril] I find your lack of faith disturbing.

Cyril

I find your mannish hands disturbing.

Pam

I think they're kinda sexy.

Lana

Excuse me?

Cheryl

They're fingers, Pam. Not kielbasas.

Archer

[as Mallory rings a dinner bell] Wow. Forgot how much I hate that.

Malory

Oh, that's right. I kept it on the nightstand to wake nanny whenever Sterling wet the bed.

Archer

[as everybody laughs] Mother!

Cheryl

Wait, whose bed?

Woodhouse

It was always "don't ask, don't tell."

Archer

Woodhouse! What are you doing?!

Woodhouse

Uh, sitting down, sir.

Archer

What, at the table?!

Malory

Sterling.

Archer

Like people?!

Malory

Sterling!

Archer

What?! Look, he thinks he's people!

Malory

But they were blanks! Weren't they?

Archer

Only if the back of his skull picked that exact moment to explode outwards.

Cyril

[carrying Torvald's body] I should be carrying her.

Archer

[carrying Elke's body] Cyril, I paid her, I get to carry her corpse.