Klaus quotes from American Dad!

Klaus

[as he falls] You dipshit, there are fucking sharks in there!

Klaus

[regarding Steve's mineral rights deed] Yep, it's official. And if anyone knows what's official, it's a fish, y'all!

Klaus

Take a load off, Garfield. I'm Klaus, I'm kind of a favorite around here.

Klaus

I've been experimenting with steroids. It's awesome! Now I wear tank tops with the thinnest straps you've ever seen.

Klaus

Vaginas don't count. They're like all over the place. Throw a rock, you'll hit three.

Klaus

[Watching Meredith and Justin on television] I know I should root for someone in the family, but Justin has captured my heart. Oh, I'd love to throw it to his mom while he was sleeping like an angel in the next room.

Klaus

Why so sensitive all of a sudden?

Roger

I'm going through my reproductive cycle. It's complicated. I'll draw you a diagram. Every six years, my gIaxins shoot up into my fompairs, causing me to lactate a viscous milky mucus. (milks his breasts)

Klaus

Ugh! Your insides sicken me! I'll be in mein crapper. [sigh] I'm always in mein crapper.

Roger

You set me up, Klaus! Why would you do something so awful?

Klaus

I'm German. It's what we do.

Hayley

What are you doing?

Klaus

Hayley, good. You're here. I caught Steve red-handed.

Steve

Why, you- [to Hayley] Look, I'm just reaching out to you. Is it so wrong for me to want to get to know my own sister? [mocking voice] And to read about you giving Coach Schwartz a Rod Carew in the Taco King parking lot?

Stan

This is what Roger does? He just sits here and watches this crap all day? What am I missing?

Klaus

An elevated blood-alcohol content.

Stan

Things you eat! Things that are fruit! Oh, oh, oh, things you peel! Ah, I'm halfway up the pyramid!

Klaus

You're watching The Price Is Right.

Stan

Shut up, Hayley. Oh, oh, oh, things that wear pants!

Klaus

They say if you play it backwards ... you can hear the voice of a dead kid.

Hayley

Wow ... wait, how do you play Monopoly backwards?

Klaus

Oh mein Gott! Oh mein Gott!

Hayley

Klaus, cool it! You're freaking out!

Klaus

It's the cops! Quick, flush me down the toilet!

Steve

Damn your experimental steroids!

Stan

It's okay, son, you're experiencing a perfectly natural side effect called 'roid rage.

Steve

Oh, I'm experiencing a side effect, all right! [pulls front of bathrobe] I have boobs!

Stan

Oh, my God!

Klaus

I know. Talk about a butterface.

Steve

(smells plant) Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.

Klaus

Hey, you should plant some of those, uh... I don't know what you call them here... Hitler melons.

Klaus

Please, let me play!

Steve

I don't think you're ready yet.

Klaus

Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!

Steve

Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]

Klaus

I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

Hayley

I was so sick of Jeff, and now I can't stop thinking about him. I have to figure out a way to win him back from my stupid brother.

Klaus

Your brother is not the problem. The problem is Agathor. Kill him and you'll get Jeff back.

Hayley

Oh, my God! You know how to kill him?

Klaus

The question isn't can I kill him. The question is: Do you like me?

Hayley

Not really.

Klaus

[disappointed] Oh. Anyway, I know how to defeat Steve.