Klaus quotes from American Dad!

Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?

KGrandpa Klaus

No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.

Are we part of the story, Grandpa?

KGrandpa Klaus

Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".

S2 E7 Of Ice and Men

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Whoa-whoa-whoa. You were a fish?!

KGrandpa Klaus

Oh yeah, that.... But Stan he was a new man and he--

Hold on a second. You, were a fish. Don't you think that's a better story than two grown-ups ice skating?

KGrandpa Klaus

I was also roommates with Rick Schroder, you wanna hear about that?

YEAH!!

KGrandpa Klaus

[sighs] Okay, Rick Schroder sucks, h-he just... h-he just sucks. He sucks so hard. Rick Schroder uses women. The end.

S2 E7 Of Ice and Men

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What's wrong with you? You look horrible.

Klaus

I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...

I was talking to Steve.

Klaus [sarcastically]: Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!

S2 E12 A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial

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I'm starting a new family tradition of Sunday night dinners.

Klaus

Wunderbar!... Wait. Only four place settings? No, that's cool. That's cool. I'm-I'm supposed to hang with my chick anyway. She's been buggin' me to spend more time with her and she... [sad voice] doesn't exist.

S3 E1 The Vacation Goo

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Snot, remember that time I gave you half an orange?

Snot

Yeah.

Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass!

[later]

Klaus

No, I don't remember you remember you giving me half an orange, so no, you can't.

Why does everybody hate me so much?!

Hey, guess what? I'm flame retardant.

Can I blow you up with firecrackers?

I don't see why not.

Awesome!

[We see Roger wearing a daredevil outfit and sitting on a heap of fireworks]

I will now recklessly blow up my cousin, Roger.

[Lindsey Coolidge loosens one of her buttons]

For good measure, I'm gonna set the whole thing off with this. The Finger Blaster.

TToshi

フィンガーブラスターほど女の子を夢中にさせるものはありません。[Japanese to English translation: Nothing gets a girl going quite like a Finger Blaster.]

[Steve lights the Finger Blaster; it explodes in his hand due to a quick-burning fuse]

Ah! My thumb! I blew off my thumb!

Barry

We're gonna get in trouble! Ruuuuun!

[Steve is clutching his hand and squirming in pain]

Okay, golden opportunity. Say "Charlie, they took my thumb." [beat] Eric Roberts, Pope of Greenwich Village. You're a lot of fun.

S3 E4 Big Trouble in Little Langley

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Man, I can't believe I survived a shot to the head.

Klaus

Well, the doctor says you'll have some memory loss, but I'll be by your side through every step of your recovery, my friend.

Who's the talking fish?

S3 E5 Haylias

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[nine months later...]

Ok you win, just do it already!

Klaus

Do what?

Get your revenge!

The water slide? the practical joke?

Klaus

Ohh yes, I had forgotten...

GOOD, good... us too.

Klaus

But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA

[covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

S3 E7 Surro-Gate

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[Klaus is riding on a model train]

Klaus, you got the train to work.

Klaus

Yeah, it's in my blood. My grandfather was a conductor at Auschwitz.

[everyone gasps]

Klaus

No, no, he ran the kiddie train at the zoo. You know, it's a big town, there's other stuff there.

S3 E8 The Most Adequate Christmas Ever

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Klaus

[offscreen] Say it! You have to say it!

[runs back and forth naked] Help! Racoons took my penis!

S3 E9 Frannie 911

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CCoco

I'm going to go soak it in your tub. [takes off her top]

Klaus

And just like that, I'm gay.

S4 E3 One Little World

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PPhillipe

[with heavy French accent] Mr. Francine, I know this must be upsetting. But understand I am a homosexual, yes?... You understand "homosexual"?...Yes?...So you will be loosing your wife not physically. But perhaps, emotionally. [walks into kitchen, Stan sits down on the couch]

Klaus

That guy is a douche, yes? You understand "douche"?...Yes?...

S4 E9 Stan Time

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Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!

(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)

Klaus (drunk and happy): Francine! Let's do some shots!

Klaus?! What you do doing in there?

Klaus

Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.

Why'd he put you in the freezer?

Klaus (belligerently): Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)

S5 E4 Brains, Brains and Automobiles

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You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

[another buzz] Zots!

Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus

[laughing] Oh!

Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

S5 E18 Great Space Roaster

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Klaus

(From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!

(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)

(while watching the porn) Nice.

(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)

Is everyone okay?

Klaus (woozily): Did we lose the porn?

S5 E18 Great Space Roaster

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[comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.

Whoa! Whoa, Legs, you sure that's a good idea?

I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.

[Cuts to some time later. Roger is stoned and driving the car crazily while stuffing cheese puffs, with a concerned Steve and Klaus.]

Legs, please, just pull over!

Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!?!

[Roger's P.O.V. It is shown that he is seeing Steve as a walrus in Nazi attire, and Klaus as Garfield stuffed in Klaus's fish bowl.]

KGKlaus/Garfield

Steve, who is he talking to?