Scenes with Hayley Smith 95
[tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]
[sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
[sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
[Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
You know what time it is.
HayleyDad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
SBSeeley Booth
Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
TBTemperance Brennan
I know. But did you see this bone?
BBooth
Where'd you find that bone?
BBrennan
Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
WWoman
Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
[Stan rolls his eyes]
[Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]
Hayley
What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.
[Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]
Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.
Hayley
[to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!
I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.
Hayley
Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!
You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!
Hayley
You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...
Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.
Hayley
[after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?
[Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]
Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?
Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.
Hayley
What?! Will he be okay?
We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.
Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!
[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!
[Hayley and Roger laugh]
Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!
[Hayley and Roger laugh again]
[dogs are heard barking faintly]
[the barking grows louder]
It's a little higher than usual.
[the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]
[after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]
Oh, my God! That was transcendent!
With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!
Hayley
I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?
I suppose I could give it a try.
[the others cheer]
Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!
Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…
[he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]
[Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]
Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.
Hayley
Dad, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.
But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!
MMMah Mah
I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!
I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.
[Hayley enters Steve's room; Steve is under a blanket fort on his bed]
Hayley
Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]
It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".
Hayley
Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]
Hayley
[enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.
A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!
Hayley
No. It's a raccoon.
AArtemis
[shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!
Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captain Planet.
Hayley
Why didn't you change Jefferson?
Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.
Hayley
Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.
[to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.
Hayley
[after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?
No. Damn fool was driving sober.
Hayley
That blonde outside of Walgreen's was getting signatures.
Come on, Hayley. Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.
[in the dining room, Stan and the family are admonishing Steve for his behavior]
Steve, I'm very disappointed that you used that language with your mother. That being said, I'm more excited for dinner than I have been in years.
You did a very bad thing. You know who had to set the table tonight? Me.
Hayley
What are you talking about? I set the table.
Well, I would have been next in line and I did not like it.
Hayley
[walks over to Klaus] Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.
[Hayley takes a bite out of the omelet with a fork and gets a look of satisfaction]
Hayley
Mmm! This is really good. What's in it?
Hazel nut, butter, eggs, veal, milk. [Hayley spits out her omelet] I use whole milk. Some people...
Hayley
Wait. Veal?! There's meat in this?
For thickening. You know what they say; you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.
Hayley
Klaus! I haven't eaten meat in over a year! [retches]
[Hayley starts to feel sick, covers her mouth, and runs to the bathroom to vomit and coughs. Klaus turns to Roger]
How do you like yours, Roger?
[Roger feeds his omelet to the Roomba]
Ah, it's great, it's great. [smiles uneasily at Klaus]
Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.
Hayley
When I have a baby, I'm going to name it Recycling.
Steve (showing Stan the palm of his hand, which has a bright red slash across it): Dad, me and my mysterious friend are blood brothers now.
Stan, FIFA said the downstairs bathroom is going to need 70 urinals. It'll work if we use the hamper.
American Dad! · 929 quotes
