Hayley Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

How come the pizza guy didn't help us?

Hayley

'Cuz Klaus didn't tip him.

Klaus

An apple is a tip.

Hayley

Jeff, do you know why you're shouting?!

Jeff

'Cause of that damn helicopter!

Francine

Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now, and I don't know you're singing the whole story, but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.

Steve

Okay, singing may have been a bad choice, but that's a crazy story, right?

Hayley

Wait, did Lewis murder his secretary?

Francine

The finals, Hayley!

Francine

Stan said something like [imitating Stan] "I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."

Hayley

What!?

Francine

Yeah, and then he said [imitating Stan] "Are you even listening to me, Francine? I'm worried about us. I feel like we've been drifting apart." [giggles] I'm getting better at his voice, right?

Hayley

You never left. You've been on a psychedelic trip for 24 hours.

Klaus

But you were never alone. I saw to that, bro.

Hayley

Dad, we only have 20 minutes to get you to the DJ battle.

Stan

So...I didn't beat Bullock.

Klaus

No, Stan. You were just humming the Cheers theme song and shitting yourself.

Hayley

It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad is being a guilty dad.

Stan

Yeah! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day.

Steve

NO!!

Hayley

That's just a character flaw!

Stan

Noticing my flaws... and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day?

Steve

Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup.

Hayley

Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.

Roger

I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.

Hayley

Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.

Roger

Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.

Steve

Should should we turn on the TV?

Francine

I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.

Stan

Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?

Francine

Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.

Stan

Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.

It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

Roger

I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?

Hayley

Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects?

Jeff

At Spencer's Gifts.

Steve

You don't know anything about being a flight attendant.

Roger

But I do know comedy, and that's all that matters at Southwest.

Hayley

With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate.

Roger

Oh my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! I want that joke!

Hayley

[as the guy practices hitchhiking] He's giving them a thumbs up!

Steve

[a scene shows a plate of bacon on top of the car] And he's got bacon for his eggs!

Hayley

Oh yeah, I owe you a dime. Just grab it out of the change bowl.

Roger

Is there a thousand dollars cash in that bowl? 'Cause that's what a dime is in gambler's lingo.

Hayley

Who knows that?!

Jeff

Everyone knows that, babe. I thought you were crazy to make that bet. I almost said something.

Steve

Jeff is meeting Barry today. I need the room.

Hayley

Oh God, that's today? I have to give Jeff his bath!

Steve

[to Hayley] You were supposed to give him a bath last night! [to Francine] And you were supposed to go to the mall!

Francine

I didn't want to go by myself.

Steve

That's what we have Klaus for.

Stan

There is a time and a place for striking.

Hayley

When management puts profits above the health and welfare of the workers who earn it for them?

Stan

What? No. When you need to destroy an organization from the inside.

Hayley

You're such a dick, Dad.

Stan

Speaking of being a dick...you're not gonna love this. [He puts a bag over Hayley's head]

Hayley

Oh, man! This bag better be reusable!

Roger

Steve was right to hold out for something better.

Hayley

Why? What's he got going on?

Roger

He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.

Francine

Goddamn Klaus.

Francine

People are actually watching this?

Klaus

Hundreds!

Hayley

And you can make money from it?

Klaus

Thousands!

Roger

It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.

Klaus

Millions!

Roger

Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.