Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.

Roger

Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?

Stan

The first one.

Francine

Steve, I asked you to set the table 10 minutes ago. Dinner is ready.

Steve

But I'm on level 15.

Francine

Well, I'm on level 1 of the house, where I cook for you. Now set the table.

Steve

I didn't ask you to cook for me.

Francine

Excuse me.

Steve

Mom, I'm busy. I'll do it in a minute. [Francine unplugs Steve's game console] NO! IT DIDN'T SAVE! IT DIDN'T SAVE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!

Francine

I was thinking... go set the table!

Steve

Fuck you!

Roger

Whoa.

Steve

Didn't you do my laundry?

Francine

No. What you said is something you don't say to your mother. So you must not think of me as a mother at all. So from now on, you're on your own. Mommy-free. Sans mommy. You ain't got no mama.

Steve

What's that, Francine? I think you dropped a challenge. And I'm picking it up, 'cause I can do everything you do for me, laundry, cooking, telling myself I'm a big handsome boy.

Steve

[opening the fridge to look for food] Where the hell are the leftovers?

Francine

[turns on light] Looking for something?

Steve

[seeing Barry eating his mac and cheese omelettes on the dining table with Francine] Barry? You're eating the leftovers?

Francine

Maybe you can have his leftovers.

Barry

We both know that's not gonna happen.

Francine

No dinner meant no dinner.

Steve

I didn't come down here for food. I'm down here for the crisper drawer. [He gets the crisper drawer and puts it in front of his face] I'm building a fort and it needs a window.

Francine

You sound hungry.

Steve

I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!

Steve

[during dinner with the family as Francine is preparing the mac and cheese omelettes] Hey, where's mine?

Francine

You didn't ask me to cook for you, remember?

Steve

But it was the heap of the moment, and...

Francine

[cuts off Steve] Steve, you really hurt my feelings. Part one of your punishments is I'm ignoring you. Part two is no dinner.

Francine

Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.

Hayley

When I have a baby, I'm going to name it Recycling.

Roger

Stan, FIFA said the downstairs bathroom is going to need 70 urinals. It'll work if we use the hamper.

Francine

[happily] Stan, you're back!

Stan

Of course I am, and better than ever. [the family laughs as Stan poses in victory] I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God was only testing the strength of my faith.

Francine

[embracing him] And you passed the test.

Stan

I did, so he revealed to me, though his instrument Steve, the location of the new ark.

Francine

[realizing what is about to come] Oh, no.

Francine

Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now, and I don't know you're singing the whole story, but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.

Steve

Okay, singing may have been a bad choice, but that's a crazy story, right?

Hayley

Wait, did Lewis murder his secretary?

Francine

The finals, Hayley!

Steve

White, dusty oil?

Francine

Lawn dandruff?

Klaus

A third ridiculous guess?

Roger

[knowingly] I think I know what this is.

Roger

Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. [he looks at the shocked expressions of the family] Oh my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You gotta make that shit! With blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.

Stan

Hear that? I'm gonna have a big, veiny shaft!

Francine

Are they salt executives or genies?

Francine

Stan said something like [imitating Stan] "I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."

Hayley

What!?

Francine

Yeah, and then he said [imitating Stan] "Are you even listening to me, Francine? I'm worried about us. I feel like we've been drifting apart." [giggles] I'm getting better at his voice, right?

Stan

That's it, we're hanging out. If you're going to kill anyone in this family, it's going to be only Francine.

Steve

What?!

Francine

Don't talk back to your father.

Stan

You don't tell Steve about this, and I won't tell Klaus you're the one that broke his Dilbert mug.

Francine

[quickly agreeing] Okay, deal, deal.

Stan

Well, well, well.

Klaus

Dad!

Stan

No. Looks like you got it all figured out.

Steve

W-W-Why are you doing this to us?

Stan

[imitating Steve's quivering to start off] W-W-W-W-W-W-W-why, why, why, why? Because you guys can't give me one decent day, no matter how many chances I give you!

Francine

Chances? What are you talking about?

[as the "alarm" Stan has set goes off at 5AM] Good morning! Rockin' Ronnie comin' at ya...

Steve

[opens his curtains, revealing snow on the window] Dad's been tricking us into reliving Father's Day every day for six months! [Hayley and Francine gasp]

Francine

[pissed off at this revelation] You brainwashed us?!

Stan

Oh, of course, make it about you! Well, since you won't remember this anyway, I'll get everything out of my system so I can wake up tomorrow without being so cheesed off! [sees Steve's lip quivering] Go ahead, Steve, cry! It'd be weirder if ya didn't! [Hayley gasps] Go ahead, Hayley, gasp. It'd be weirder if ya didn't!

Francine

Stan, enough!

Stan

[really losing it now] SINCE WHEN IS ANYTHING ENOUGH FOR YOU?!?! For the last 20 years, you just sit around and wait for me to bring home money. "I need rugs! I need bananas!"

Francine

Stan, stop before you say something you'll regret.

Stan

Oh, I haven't even STARTED! [as "Scatman" plays to block the dialogue, Stan unleashes a vicious and truly venomous speech about his family's faults; judging by the movements, he criticizes Francine for her pompousness and excessive alcoholism, Hayley for her near-incessant use of marijuana, and finally Steve for his immaturity and frequent masturbation]

Hayley

Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.

Roger

I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.

Hayley

Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.

Roger

Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.

Steve

Should should we turn on the TV?

Francine

I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.

Stan

Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?

Francine

Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.

Stan

Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.

It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.

Marcus is another bird.

Roger

I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?