Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Roger

Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?

Steve

It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?

Francine

You like this, Roger?

Roger

Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!

Stan

Wait, wh-what was that second thing?

Francine

Santa has kidnapped Steve!

Steve Harvey? Santa's gone too far this time!

Steve

Jeff is meeting Barry today. I need the room.

Hayley

Oh God, that's today? I have to give Jeff his bath!

Steve

[to Hayley] You were supposed to give him a bath last night! [to Francine] And you were supposed to go to the mall!

Francine

I didn't want to go by myself.

Steve

That's what we have Klaus for.

Francine

[Concerned about shocking Stan] Roger. this finger zapping thing isn't going to hurt, right?

Roger

Not a bit. [Stan collapses in convulsions as Roger shocks him]

Francine

You said it wouldn't hurt.

Roger

No, I said it wouldn't hurt me. You need to listen girl.

And these must be my granddaughters.

Francine

Um, yes, yes, they are.

Steve

Mom!

Francine

Just go with it.

Steve

Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?

Francine

I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants.

Stan

Francine. Celery? Those better be giant gummy celeries, or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.

Francine

Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?

Stan

Okay, I'll bite. What in God's name are you talking about?

Francine

Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.

Stan

That's what going on up there? I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.

Roger

Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. [he pulls a box of aluminum foil out of one of the kitchen drawers] The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. [chuckling] Those guys use it for everything. The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.

I heard it! Play it again, you coward!

Stan

I'm not a coward, Francine.

Francine

Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]

Steve

Every year.

Roger

Steve was right to hold out for something better.

Hayley

Why? What's he got going on?

Roger

He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.

Francine

Goddamn Klaus.

Francine

People are actually watching this?

Klaus

Hundreds!

Hayley

And you can make money from it?

Klaus

Thousands!

Roger

It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.

Klaus

Millions!

Roger

Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.

Stan

[Trying to save their marriage with a balloon ride] And now our last hope is a balloon shaped like my nutsack.

Francine

You wish your nutsack was as red as this.