Francine Smith quotes from American Dad!

Francine

The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.

Stan

Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.

Stan

Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?

Steve

Sorry, man. Got other plans.

Stan

What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.

Francine

Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Stan

Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

Francine

Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.

Klaus

What about your kids?

Francine

Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!

Klaus

Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.

Francine

Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the cassarole.

Klaus

[sighs] Bitch.

Stan

[sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.

Francine

[sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.

Stan

You know what time it is.

Jeff

Shh.

Hayley

Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.

Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.

I know. But did you see this bone?

Where'd you find that bone?

Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.

Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.

Stan

I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?

Francine

I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.

Stan

A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.

Francine

I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?

Stan

You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

Stan

It’s okay! I left the bear in to kill the shark! They’re natural enemies since the dawn of time! [The bear on the raft growl]

Steve

Not working in tandem! They’re brothers in arms! Agh!

Stan

Not the hiccups, don’t worry. Kim Nick Cage of this mother! [gets the electric wires] This time, I’ll make the right call. I’m gonna electrocute him.

Francine

Oh, Stan, I don’t think… [Roger is accidentally electrocuted by Stan]

Stan

Here's my next car Francine, the new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler. It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium.

Francine

Oh, yeah. The chemical symbol for potassium is K. Boy, my chemistry's a little rusty, but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added another carbon molecule before the potassium? Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K.

Stan

I don't know what you're talking about.

Roger

Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.

Francine

Are you suggesting I trick him?

Roger

Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.

Francine

What an idiot.

Steve

Mama, when's Daddy coming home?

Francine

Hopefully not before the futon market cools off.

Klaus

Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.

Francine

Guten morgen, fish face!

Stan

You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?

Francine

Hey, Stan.

Klaus

[in Stan’s body] Hey!

Roger

Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Francine

Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

Hayley

What?! Will he be okay?

Francine

We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Roger

Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!

Stan

[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

Stan

Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

Stan

My voice is not that…

Stan

Not that high.

Stan

It's a little higher than usual.

Francine

Hey, Banelli! You got a lot of nerve showin' up here!

So what? So what? It's a free world. So what?

Francine

Excuse me, Stan. That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.

Stan

Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger

Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan

Is that true?

What.

Roger

Is any of this?

Francine

[grunts]

Steve

Oh.

Well, i’m not for sure.

Steve

Hey bitch, where's my Mickey Mouse towel!

Francine

I'm sorry! I'll try harder.