Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Dollywood?

Roger

Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.

Steve

You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!

Roger

Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [He pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!

Steve

Dad, I'm meeting the fellas at the movies. Can I have a few bucks for popcorn?

Stan

[wearing a money suit] Do I look like I'm made of money?

Steve

(about Roger staying with Henry) Why does he stay, Hayley?! Why does he stay?

Hayley

Clearly, he's getting something from this kid he wasn't getting from you. When you have that kind of co-dependency, it can be hard to break free from an abusive relationship.

Hayley

I said I'll get you when I'm ready! (throws her coffee mug at him)

Steve

You mean Jenga?

Roger

Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.

Steve Smith

Dad! When were you gonna tell me that you're part of the Illuminati?

Stan Smith

Steve! That's crazy! I was never gonna tell you!

Steve

Now the world will never know the truth.

Stan

If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.

Steve

That's it!

Steve

Now that the seeds of mistrust are sprouting, we must harvest them. [puts on headphones and starts recording the phone call; he signals for Hayley to start; Hayley dials Trudy's number]

Hello?

Hayley

Miss Lawrence, just a few questions for a fitness survey. Where do you typically work out?

At the gym.

Hayley

Good. And where is it located?

About 3 miles north of here.

Hayley

After you work out, how do you relax?

I get a massage.

Hayley

And when your car is not in "drive", it's in…

"Park"!

Hayley

And if you're from Brazil, you're…

You're Brazilian! Look. Is this a crank call?

Hayley

Hold, please.

I can't wait around. I'm leaving to meet…

Hayley

[hangs up] Did you get it?

Steve

Got it.

Please leave a message.

Hello,… Jim.

Who's Jim?

I… can't… wait… to… massage… your… Brazilian… crank. Meet… me… at… 3:00… at the…

West End.

Of the... park. I'm… leaving… Miles.

She must've dialed my number by mistake. She's cheating on me!

Steve

[referencing to Stan] What a boob.

Stan

What was that, Steve?

Steve

Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.

Stan

I love it when you kids get along.

Steve

Geez, Roger, you're making Kevin Bacon look like a total douche.

Hayley

Yeah, you may be beautiful on the outside like Kevin Bacon, but you're ugly on the inside like Tommy Lee Jones... on the outside... and the inside.

Steve

(whispering about the young child on the swing set) There he is!

Roger

That little feelings-hurter is about to eat crow! I'm going to rub his nose in my nose!

Mommy, look! It's the monster! (Roger gasps) The monster from the hit movie, Hollow Man!

Oh my god! It IS Kevin Bacon! Normally I'd chastise you for watching an R-rated movie, but Kevin Bacon is an American treasure! Even when he's playing an invisible rapist!

Francine

What the FUCK is GOING ON?!

Steve

[doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!

Hayley

We haven't eaten in four days. Damn it Mom! Why did you jump off the boat after dinner?

Francine

This isn't my fault. I just wanted us to spend some time together.

Hayley

[gasp] Steve's hiding food!

Steve

No! It's just a picture I took with some grapes.

Hayley

Give it to me!

Francine

Share it! You have to share it!

Stan

No! What are we gonna do for pictures of food now?!

[sees an island] Look!

Francine

Stan, we are going on a real vacation and this family is going to bond!

Steve

We could go skiing!

Stan

Or, here's an alternate pitch. Stay here, watch the Duke game... [Francine tries to say something] ...just hear me out... I order boneless wings from KFC...

Hayley

But-

Stan

Hang on to that thought, Hayley... I take a long bath and then... wait for it... None of you are here.

Francine

Or... [Stan opens his mouth] ...just hear me out... we stay home, and for the rest of our lives together, every time you doze off I slam a book on your testicles.

Stan

Did someone say, "skiing"?

Stan

I'm thinking of a person.

Steve

Ronald Reagan?

Stan

Damn!

Steve

Snot, remember that time I gave you half an orange?

Snot

Yeah.

Steve

Well, then let me put a firecracker up your ass!

Klaus

No, I don't remember you remember you giving me half an orange, so no, you can't.

Steve

Why does everybody hate me so much?!

Roger

Hey, guess what? I'm flame retardant.

Steve

Can I blow you up with firecrackers?

Roger

I don't see why not.

Steve

Awesome!

Steve

I will now recklessly blow up my cousin, Roger.

Steve

For good measure, I'm gonna set the whole thing off with this. The Finger Blaster.

フィンガーブラスターほど女の子を夢中にさせるものはありません。[Japanese to English translation: Nothing gets a girl going quite like a Finger Blaster.]

Steve

Ah! My thumb! I blew off my thumb!

Barry

We're gonna get in trouble! Ruuuuun!

Roger

Okay, golden opportunity. Say "Charlie, they took my thumb." [beat] Eric Roberts, Pope of Greenwich Village. You're a lot of fun.