Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

Ok you win, just do it already!

Klaus

Do what?

Roger

Get your revenge!

Steve

The water slide? the practical joke?

Klaus

Ohh yes, I had forgotten...

Roger

GOOD, good... us too.

Klaus

But now that you reminded me...the humiliation I suffered that day will not go unpunished! My pain is the bubbling cauldron of molten steel that will forge the saber of your demise! I SHALL NOT BE DENIED MY VENGEANCE...HAHAHAHAHA

Roger

[covers the fishbowl with a stack of books] Huh, wonder why we didn't think of that NINE months ago.

Steve

Oh, I saw him go into your study with a sledgehammer and a watermelon.

Stan

What?

Francine

There's got to be an explanation. Is it Gallagher day?

Stan

Do you see a Gallagher tree, Francine? Roger's back to his old ways. I am livid, Francine! Now I know how bears feel.

While our producers sort this out I would like to make an announcement, Steve Smith, I flew my doctor in on my private jet and I had them removed! They're all real baby! So come and get it!

Steve

Yeah!

Steve

Noooooo!

Oh my god! she's dead! Carmen is dead!

Oooh if only if she'd had some sort of cushioning on her chest, something not real, Fake if you will, to withstand the impact.

Steve

My potions partner! You're my Ron Weasley!

Lávate las manos.

Steve

Is that a spell?

Lávate las manos.

Steve

Lávate las manos.

¡Lávate... las... manos!

Steve

¡Lávate... las... manos!

¡LAVATE LAS MANOS!

Steve

¡LAVATE LAS MANOS!

Steve

Why?!

Stan

Looks like the boys in the lab made a mistake...

Steve

You think?! Well, I got my pubic hair back, a whole bunch of them. They're white as frickin' Christmas! It looks like Santa Town down there! And look at my pendulous nads! Every time I walk it's like a game of gnip gnop!

Stan

So, a lot of people think that C.I.A. stands for "Central Intelligence Agency". Not true, folks. Fact is, C.I.A. actually stands for "Stan Smith was born with both male and female genitalia".

Steve

That's not what we wrote! We don't go blue. That's the lazy man's comedy.

Snot

Balls!

Steve

Scotty?

Roger

That's my new nickname for you... your favorite Star Trek character!

Steve

What he does isn't glamorous, but he keeps the Enterprise running.

Steve

See. Thanks to Roger, Etan will think someone's trying to steal the gifts from the car. But that's just a misdirection; the real gifts we're after are the ones in his jacket.

Roger

[whispers to Barry] Scams make me so horny. (Barry looks worried)

Steve

Oh my God! Dad!

Roger

Wait, he's still breathing. Stan, are you trying to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

He's not going to have a bar mitzvah. Because I'm taking him before the Beth Din!

Snot

The Beth Din?

What's the Beth Din? I don't know what that is, etc.

Steve

What's the Beth Din?

The leader of a group of Jewish elders. Yours is a rich culture which we despise.

Once the Beth Din hears what you did, not only will you be kicked out of our temple, no other temple will take you. You'll never be bar mitzvah-ed. Doomed to walk the earth for the rest of your days as a child. [walks away]

Snot

[horrified] The rest of my days as a child?

[in Japanese, subtitled] You think that's bad? I have to spend the rest of my days haunted by the ghost of a 12th-century shogun warrior.

[in Japanese, subtitled] You know they can't understand you.

[in Japanese, subtitled] You're right, Minamoto. Today's clam chowder is quite good.

Steve

Wow, uncensored nudity! This game must be from Japan!

[in Japanese] Unlikely. Those are women, not underage schoolgirls.

Snot

Oh, Steve! We've been playing "Animal Midwife" for two years! When are you gonna get some new games?

Steve

Maybe we should go to your place and play "Let's Watch Your Mom Sober Up Before She Has To Go To Her Nursing Job".

Barry

Ouch.

Roger

You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!

Stan

Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.

Roger

[another buzz] Zots!

Stan

Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.

Roger

[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.

Hayley

Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.

Klaus

[laughing] Oh!

Roger

Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.

Steve

Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.

Roger

I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!

Francine

Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.

Bewitching, isn't she?

Steve

I know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?

Yes. I'm Héctor Elizondo. I play the concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots. Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion. Conciergeing.

Principal Lewis

His eyes are red from smoking weed!

Steve

I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian...

Principal Lewis

Ehh... my job is really more administrative.