Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Steve, do you still want to go to the Franklin Mint this weekend? The new Clara Peller commemorative plates are in. "Where's the beef?" (Laughs) Good question. Where was that beef? Nobody knew.

Steve

Oh, my God! The Franklin Mint?! Yeah, I'd rather die.

Stan

Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.

Steve

Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.

Stan

(sings) Whatever.

Stan

Good news, I found a camp that still has an opening.

Steve

Dad, I don't want to go to camp. It's hot and there's always something crawling in your sleeping bag, like a spider or a counselor. Just let me tend to my posies. (leaves)

Francine

Stan, he doesn't want to go to camp.

Stan

But I spent my summers at camp, and I had the time of my life. I want him to have that same experience. And besides, gardening's gay.

Francine

I'll have you know, James Coburn had a garden.

Stan

I'm sick of your lies about Coburn!

Steve

(smells plant) Ahh, basil and snail poison; the sweet smell of summer.

Klaus

Hey, you should plant some of those, uh... I don't know what you call them here... Hitler melons.

Steve

Dad, you have to help me get Makeva back.

Stan

But I don't know what to do.

Steve

(slaps Stan; mockingly) "I don't know what to do." You can act like a man!

Stan

There's no hitting at Camp Refoogee.

Steve

Look, the Bawango rebels ruined our camp and took one of your campers. Are you going to let them get away with that?

Stan

Don't move, Steve. Just give them your credit card and we'll cancel it when we get home.

Steve

Dad, these are your campers. They're rallying around you.

Stan

Oh, yes, right, right. Thanks, fellas.

Steve

Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!

Stan

All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.

Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.

Steve

Wow, that's a little dark.

Not at all. Life is a banquet and death is dessert.

Steve

I love dessert!

Steve

Here she comes.

Stan

(looks at Debbie through the window) Where's Debbie? Behind that fat girl?

Steve

No, Dad, that's...

Stan

Is the fat girl going to lead us to Debbie?

Steve

No, that's...

Stan

She's carrying a purse. She must have a map to Debbie in her purse.

Steve

Dad, that's Debbie.

Stan

To the panic room!

Francine

Stan, you're being ridiculous. We have a guest out there.

Stan

Please, Francine, show some panic. Our son is dating a fatty.

Hayley

Dad, that's awful. Plus-size women drive our economy with their purchases of Garfield books and Haagen-Dazs.

Francine

You apologize to your son.

Stan

For what? You brought fat into our house.

Steve

You'd like Debbie if you got to know her, Dad. There's a lot more to her than you think.

Stan

There's more of her?!

Here to repo the cars.

Steve

You can't do that. We're about to become men.

Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.

Steve

So then it's cool to alienate gays?

Stan

Yes, it is, son. Gays are the new Blacks.

Klaus

Please, let me play!

Steve

I don't think you're ready yet.

Klaus

Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!

Steve

Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]

Klaus

I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]

Roger

[noticing the cookie is missing] What the... [sees Steve eating it] hey! That was my last cookie!

Steve

You snooze, you lose.

Roger

You snooze, you lose; huh? Eat up. [he stares at Steve] Eat... up.

Roger

I want a popcorn maker for my attic.

Stan

Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.

Steve

What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!

Roger

I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!

Steve

What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!

Roger

You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?

Steve

What?! No!

Roger

Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?

Steve

No!

Roger

Oh... Then what is all this?

Steve

This is the New York Stock Exchange!

Roger

Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.

Steve

But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!

Roger

Ron Silver!

Roger

We're gonna make through this. We still have twenty bucks. In this town, with our brains, we'll turn it into a millions in no time. [turns to the kiosk behind him] I'll have the new issue of Cherry, and keep the change, my good man.

Steve

Roger!

Roger

Steve, it's a special big butts collector's issue; someday it'll be worth a fortune. Now we play the waiting game.

Stan

Honey, it's been three weeks; maybe we should... start..planning Steve's funeral. [Francine get a reaction and throws plate onto floor in response]

Francine

I WANTED TO GO GET HIM! I WANTED TO BRING HIM INSIDE! BUT YOU WOULDN'T LET ME! OUR BABY'S DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Stan

[close to tears] Don't you think I know that?!

Stan

Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?

Steve

An American flag?

Stan

Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.