Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

[attempting to explain how Adam & Eve's son has a wife] Steve, guys like Cain always end up with the girl. Scratch that, still makes no sense. Uh, um, might have to come back to that one.

Stan

Did everyone else deserve to drown? Grumpy Cat? The Muppets? You're telling me Daniel Tosh has to die but I get to live?

Stan

Your boobs are out.

Stan

Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.

Stan

Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve, 'cause after you called me a sucker, I definitely threw you in the pool, 'cause I don't take that shit.

Stan

When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.

Stan

Since when is Steve smart? He's a jock.

Stan

...and that was "Let's Get Lost" by Chet Baker, who either fell or was thrown to his death from a hotel room window in Amsterdam. I like to think he was thrown.

Stan

[Imitating Steve] Hey mom, where's the applesauce? [Imitating Francine] In the fridge, Steve. [Imitating Steve] I only see watery-ass Kroger, where's the Mott's? [Imitating Francine] They taste the same. [Imitating Steve] HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIIIIIIND?!

Stan

B-b-b-b-boner from body! Body give boner! Beautiful body give baby boner! Oh mommy!

Stan Smith

[picks up the phone] This is Stan Smith.

Principal Lewis

Mr. Smith, I'm afraid there's a problem with your son.

Principal Lewis

Uhh, no. It's just that he's gone mad with power. He evacuated the entire school and barricaded himself in my office.

Stan Smith

I see. [foam starts coming out of his mouth]: Henry, antidote.

Stan Smith

Francine, you be careful when out there today; we're at terror alert orange! Which means something could go down somewhere in some way at some point in time, SO LOOK SHARP!

Hayley Smith

You know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies have made up some fun little way to keep the masses paralyzed in fear.

Stan Smith

You like shaving your armpits, Hayley? Huh? 'Cause if the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go! [the toaster pops up its products and Stan quickly takes out his gun and shoots it numerous times, destroying the toaster and nearly the toast]

Hayley Smith

[staring at Stan in shock with the rest of the family] It's just toast, Dad.

Stan Smith

This time it was toast, Hayley...This time!

Francine Smith

It's okay. This one will be mine. [claims the shot-up toast]

Hayley Smith

Oh my God. Dad, why is Hilary Duff in our house?

Stan Smith

Hilary is here of her own free will because she wants to have dinner with Steve.

Steve Smith

Hilary, could you pass the salt?

Stan Smith

[holding gun to her head] Pass him the salt.

Stan Smith

Hilary, look out for the mines! [off-screen explosion] What did I just say? You heard me. What did I just say?

Steve Smith

You said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan Smith

I said, "Look out for the mines."

Stan

What makes you think you're going to survive?

Roger

My species is immune to all human ailments.

Stan

So explain that cold sore.

Roger

Mind your own business!