Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Hayley

Here's to Mom! She's finally cast off the shackles of domestic servitude and realized her potential as a smart, independent woman.

Stan:

Hayley, how would you like a punch in the face?

Thank you very much, Mrs. Smith.

Stan

You paid? You said you were going to the bathroom.

Francine

I did both.

Stan

Well you can just do it all, can't you?

Stan

I could have assassinated you!

Francine

What?

Stan

Nothing.

Steve

I can't believe you muscled out your own son. You stink, Dad!

Stan

Oh, come on. What's more important? Your hopes and dreams or me making more than your mother?

Stan

You missed family game night for that?! Go wash it out; you look like a slutty wad of money.

Hayley

No way!

Stan

[quickly reassembles, points gun at Hayley] Yes way!

Francine

Stan!

Stan

She started it!

Francine

How's everyone's French toast?

Stan

Smelly and ungrateful. But this American toast is delicious!

Stan

These wigs are fashioned after the most revered Republican first ladies of our time. [pointing out the various wigs] The Barbara Bush, the Nancy Reagan, the Maria Shriver.... [looks directly at the audience] Stay tuned.

Hayley

Those are terrible!

Stan

Hey, girls your age have to go through chemo to get a wig this nice!

Stan

You get back here, Hayley! No? Well, I didn't want to had to use this, but-- Rhubarb!

Francine

"Rhubarb"?

Stan

Hmm, that's her trigger word; I had her brainwashed at five. She's supposed to kill Walter Mondale, but I guess it didn't take. [a zoned-out Steve walks by in the background with a sniper rifle]

Stan

How could you let Hayley do this?!

Jeff

Do what?

Stan

Don't play dumb! You know she's stripping. Showing people her Ho Hos, her Ding Dongs, her Suzie Q's, her...her...uh...aw, God, what...what are those called...? Those little, uh... pink with coconut...? They're really good....

Jeff

Her Sno-Balls?

Stan

You bastard!

Hayley

My mother stole my boyfriend!

Stan

Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other!

Stan

Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.

Has your loved one's memory been irretrievably lost? Hi. I'm forgettable actor Bill Pullman. You might not remember me from such movies as "While You Were Sleeping" and "Twister". Wait, was I in "Twister"? No, no that was Bill Paxton. See? Memory can be pretty tricky. So that's why if you tell your loved one what's happened to them, their brain will implode. Good luck. I'm Bill Pullman. Oh, oh, I was also in Independence D... [TV turns off]

Stan

Jeff Daniels is right.

Stan

This midnight fishing is great.

Avery

Sounds to me like someone doesn't want to go home.

Stan

Yeah, I'm laying low. Today is the anniversary of a huge fight me and Francine got into last year.

Yeah? What about?

Stan

Oh, I forgot our anniversary. [his coworkers look at him in realisation] I'm never gonna do that again!

I...

Stan

[screams]

Avery

There it is!

Stan

Nobody threatens my family. Now, get out of the way or I'll shoot you all.

Hayley

Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.

Francine

Hayley, why don't you say grace?

Hayley

I'll pass.

Steve

Come on, you pray all the time when Jeff comes over. "Oh God! Oh God!"

Stan

[clearly not understanding or ignoring the innuendo] Yes, yes, she's very devout.

Stan

So, what part of Islam do you hail from?

Well, my parents were from Iran, but I was born in Cleveland.

Stan

Really? You know, we also have a Cleveland here in America. And it'd be just super if you didn't blow it up.