Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Oh my God! You can do that?

Roger

Yeah, when I'm really happy.

Stan

[walks through it] Ew.

Roger

Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.

Steve

[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.

Snot

I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Barry

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

Steve

I guess it's worth a shot.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Stan

Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.

Stan

God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

Stan

'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

Stan

A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.

Steve

I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.

Snot

Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.

Stan

Hello?

Steve

H-Hey, Dad.

Stan

Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.

Steve

What? Why?

Stan

[groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.

Stan

We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.

Steve

Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.

Stan

Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.

Stan

And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.

Stan

And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...

Steve

Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?

Stan

The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]

Steve

Alright, this is enough.

Snot

[in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?

Stan

I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.

Barry

...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]

Steve, you're up.

Steve

Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.

Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.

Steve

[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]

Stan

Hello?

Steve

Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?

Stan

Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--

Stan

[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]

Steve

See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?

[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]

(screams)

Stan

No stab!

Ah! Detroit tap water!

Stan

[after capturing Osama Bin Laden at Doug & Buster's] We've finally got him!

We're Americans, damn it!

Stan

[notices something] Whoa, check out that sweet game!

Klaus

Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.

Francine

Guten morgen, fish face!

Stan

You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?

Hayley

[to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!

Stan

I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.

Hayley

Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!

Stan

You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!

Hayley

You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...

Stan

Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.

Hayley

[after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?

Roger

Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?

Francine

Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.

Hayley

What?! Will he be okay?

Francine

We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.

Roger

Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!

Stan

[falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!

Stan

Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!

Stan

My voice is not that…

Stan

Not that high.

Stan

It's a little higher than usual.

Roger

Oh, my God! That was transcendent!

Klaus

With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!

Hayley

I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?

Stan

I suppose I could give it a try.

Stan

Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!

Roger

No! No! No!

Stan

Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…

Roger

Ah, the hell with it.

Stan

Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.

Hayley

Dad, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.

Stan

But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!

I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!

Stan

I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.

Stan

Wow. Full moon tonight.

Roger

Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.

Stan

Is that true?

What.

Roger

Is any of this?

Francine

[grunts]

Steve

Oh.

Well, i’m not for sure.

Hayley

[enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.

Stan

A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!

Hayley

No. It's a raccoon.

Francine

Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.

Roger

Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?

Stan

The first one.

Stan

[repeatedly tries to kill the IHOP terrorist] This is terrible! You're hurting us both almost equally! Nobody's winning here! This is awful! Aw, man! He's still reachin'! Aw, gee whiz! [repeatedly slams a tray on the terrorist] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [the terrorist is finally dead] [sighs] It's over.

[sets to leave] I won't have what he's having.