Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Stan

Oh, my God! Sir! Either I've gone crazy, or I've turned into a woman!

Bullock

What's the difference?

Stan

Hey, screw you!

[shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!

Stan

Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captain Planet.

Hayley

Why didn't you change Jefferson?

Stan

Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.

Hayley

Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.

Stan

[to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.

Hayley

[after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?

Stan

No. Damn fool was driving sober.

And the pappy goes to... my man, Stan Smith!

Stan

Thank you, Alan Thicke. This is amazing.

Honey, I told ya, I'm using the garage for my awards show! Park on the street!

I'm so sick of this crap, Alan!

Stan

You're ruining my thing!

It's come to our attention that your son's run out of options. The army'll take him.

Stan

Get outta here, you damn vulture! [slams the door, then opens it again] Thank you for your service.

Stan

[having seen Roger on TV, disguised as Terry and Greg's adopted child] Roger is their adopted baby?!

Klaus

But that can't be! I just saw Roger sleeping in the attic! He was 2 pillows and a soccer ball. Oh, wait a minute.

Klaus

Stan, you're never getting back in!

I got a delivery for Klaus Heisler?

Klaus

Ooh, hello! I wonder what it is? Oh, it's big. It's so big. And it's all for me! What could it be? Maybe a giant aquarium? Maybe it's a lifetime supply of fish food! [slyly] Or maybe it's Stan, Francine, and Hayley. All right guys, truce. Welcome home.

Stan

He's opening it! It's working!

Klaus

[offscreen] Oh no! NOT THE KITTIES AND THE BIRDIES!

Stan

[over Klaus's yelling] Once they've taken care of Klaus, the house will be ours again!

Klaus

I killed them! I KILLED THEM ALL! DO YOU HEAR THAT, STAN!?!

Klaus

HAH! NICE TRY!

Stan

Steve, I'm very disappointed that you used that language with your mother. That being said, I'm more excited for dinner than I have been in years.

Roger

You did a very bad thing. You know who had to set the table tonight? Me.

Hayley

What are you talking about? I set the table.

Roger

Well, I would have been next in line and I did not like it.

Stan

Counterpoint, I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night.

Steve

[crying] I'm throwing away your business card!

Francine

[happily] Stan, you're back!

Stan

Of course I am, and better than ever. [the family laughs as Stan poses in victory] I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God was only testing the strength of my faith.

Francine

[embracing him] And you passed the test.

Stan

I did, so he revealed to me, though his instrument Steve, the location of the new ark.

Francine

[realizing what is about to come] Oh, no.

Stan

[outside in the rain] Look out, world, God and Stan are back together again!

Roger

[from inside of the house] It's not official 'til you change your Facebook status!

Stan

I'm trying to get 20 years of crap off the patio.

Roger

Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?

Stan

Hear that? I'm gonna have a big, veiny shaft!

Francine

Are they salt executives or genies?

Steve

There's so shiny!

Stan

So Hayley's forehead, but you wouldn't call that a treasure.