Stan Smith quotes from American Dad!

Cleveland Brown

I don't even know where the hell I am.

Stan Smith

[pulls out a gun] Looter!

Cleveland Brown

[also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!

Stan

Stop! You can't marry this woman!

Principal Lewis

Wachoo talkin' bout, Stan?

Stan

Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?

Steve

Sorry, man. Got other plans.

Stan

What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.

Francine

Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?

Stan

Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.

Steve

I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]

Stan

I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.

Steve

Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. (waves his fingers in Stan's face): Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.

Roger

Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.

Stan

Th-- the teddy bear?

Roger

Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.

Steve

Just go with it.

Roger

What the hell, Wheels?

Steve

He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.

Stan

Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?

Roger

Yes.

Hayley

[to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.

Klaus

What did he say exactly?

Hayley

Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]

Klaus

[says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.

Stan

How do you know so much about hexes?

Klaus

I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the ******* bowl all ******* day.

Stan

The point is is you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.

Steve

Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!

Stan

What? I am outraged!

Roger

Well, take your outraged elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same. It somehow manages to be worse than the less.

Stan

[sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.

Francine

[sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.

Stan

You know what time it is.

Jeff

Shh.

Hayley

Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.

Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.

I know. But did you see this bone?

Where'd you find that bone?

Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.

Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.

Stan

I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?

Francine

I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.

Stan

A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.

Francine

I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?

Stan

You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith, bad news. Your daughter's second kidney's only working at 20%.

Stan

It’s okay! I left the bear in to kill the shark! They’re natural enemies since the dawn of time! [The bear on the raft growl]

Steve

Not working in tandem! They’re brothers in arms! Agh!

Stan

Not the hiccups, don’t worry. Kim Nick Cage of this mother! [gets the electric wires] This time, I’ll make the right call. I’m gonna electrocute him.

Francine

Oh, Stan, I don’t think… [Roger is accidentally electrocuted by Stan]

Stan

Here's my next car Francine, the new Hummie C.O.K. Guzzler. It runs on carbon, oxygen and potassium.

Francine

Oh, yeah. The chemical symbol for potassium is K. Boy, my chemistry's a little rusty, but wouldn't it run cleaner if they added another carbon molecule before the potassium? Then it would guzzle C.O.C.K.

Stan

I don't know what you're talking about.

Stan

Oh.

Roger

What.

Stan

Roger, Who ever is going to be a kid.

Stan

What.

Roger

I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.

Stan

The most beautiful for thing for you.

Roger

God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?

Stan

Fun.

Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.

Stan

[louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]

Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.

Stan

Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.

Roger

Come on, champ. Give it another try.

Stan

SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]

Stan!

Steve

Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]

Stan

Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.

Steve

[hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.

Stan

Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.

Steve

Dad, I'm not a physical boy.

Stan

Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.

Stan

What are you doing?

Steve

Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?

Stan

[sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.