[voiceover] And then it happened. I was sitting on the bed and when it happened. He came into my life. [a man comes in through the window] At first I thought it was Santa Claus. Then it soon dawned on me, Santa probably wouldn't smell like cheap wine. Besides, he was beginning to fill up his bag with stuff that didn't belong to him. I was scared stiff. But I knew I had to do something. I realized for that moment I was the man of the house. Excuse me, sir. May I have a word with you?
I did. Can you take some constructive criticism? What you're doing here is wrong.
It must be one of them talking dolls.
Oh, yeah? Ever have a talking doll rip out your voice box?
[the burglar screams falls down to the ground from the Willie and Kate's bedroom]
[gets scared as Willie comes] Oh, Mr. Tanner, thank God you're home! This evening has been a nightmare.
So I heard. [picks up the stick as Kate and Lynn come home] No! No! Mrs. Ochmonek.
I don't know what's going on here? I hope the police get here soon!
Weird things have been going on in this house all night, especially in your bedroom.
Lynn, take Mrs. Ochmonek to the kitchen and give her some tea.
Okay, mom. [takes Raquel to the kitchen] Come on, Mrs. Ochmonek. Would you prefer herbal tea or regular?
[Willie and Kate run up to their room]
[trying to hynotize Lucky] Your eyelids are getting heavy. You are getting sleepy. You are no longer a cat, you are a bagel.
Woah. You scared me. You ought to wear a bell.
[holding Willie's watch] Uh, I was just teaching Lucky how to tell time. Show Willie what you've learned.
You were hypnotizing him, weren't you?
Okay, you caught us. I'm trying to help Lucky with a smoking problem.
Alright, it looks like it's once again time to restate the rules of the house. Rule #1: We do not eat members of the family.
Willie, Willie, Willie. Lucky and I were just kidding around.
Look, I've got to go pick up Kate and the kids. While I'm gone, I'd like you to refrain from kidding lucky.
I'd also like you to refrain from playing with priceless family heirlooms. It's broken.
Lucky fell on it. You know, it's not always true that they land on their feet.
Lucky? Lucky don't listen to him. You're not a bagel. You're not a bagel!
But you are getting sleepy. Just kidding! [laughs]
[ALF is locked up at the animal shelter]
So, what are you guys in for? Okay, be that way. Just tell me one thing. That sign over there, does neutered mean what I think it does? I guess it does. Anybody have a coat hanger? I'll show you how to get out of this dump.
KKeith
[offscreen] Here we go, boy.
X-nay on the anger-hay. I think the screw is coming. Oh my gosh, he's got a horse!
KKeith
Okay, who wants a roommate? [locks a dog in the cage with ALF]
What are you doing without your jockey? Just kidding, just kidding! This whole planet's up tight. Come on, guys. Let's loosen up! [singing] "On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin" [normal voice] Jump in when you're ready, lets go; come on. [singing] "On Wisconsin, on Wisconsin" [his song gets cut off when Keith comes in]
KKeith
Hey, hold it down in here! There you go.
Lucky? [after Keith leaves, he talks to a dog next door] Psst, hey, hey Trigger. Act cool. Listen. You seem like a sweetheart, I'm gona let you break out of here with me tonight. Yeah. Here's the plan. We wait until it gets dark, then me, you, and that cat over there, are going to make a run for it. Alright? Look, all you have to do is gnaw through this wire mash. Got that? Good. X-nay, X-nay.
There you go, Luckheimer. Oh, yeah. Who'd ever thought we'd see the day, when they'd trust me to feed you? Right now I'm in the catbird seat; sort of speak. Right now I can get away with murder; sort of speak. Right now, I could walk over to that refrigerator over there, grab a couple of slices of whole wheat bread, a little mayo, and slap together a B-L-T. Bacon, Lucky, and tomato. Yeah, I could do that. And they wouldn't even have the nerve to point their finger at the old Alfer. No, they'd probably blame Willie, before they'd blame me. Yep! I could do that. But I won't. And why is that? Because they trust me. But don't get too comfortable.
HAgent Hogarth
ALF called again? What happened to William Tanner?
MAgent McNeil
He is still in police custody.
HAgent Hogarth
Well, Tanner cannot be two places at once. Any idea who or what ALF is?
MAgent McNeil
I found "Alabama Lunatic Fringe" and "American Laundry Federation".
HAgent Hogarth
OK, ALF, what is it?
ALF{over radio}: I need to speak to the President.
HAgent Hogarth
He is indisposed.
HAgent Hogarth
No, Sale of the Century! Well, OK, give me one moment. Please hold. calling the president Sir, there is an ALF who needs to speak with you...Are you sure you want to take this?...Very well...returning to ALF...Go ahead ALF.
PRPresident Reagan
Hello?
Mr. President, I need to speak to you about the bombs.
PRPresident Reagan
Please do not mention Bedtime for Bonzo. I was under contract to make that!
[doorbell rings]
Who am I gonna call at 4am?
I know it's not perfect, [takes the cardboard chart away from Kate] but it's a start. [opens the door and sees the FBI]
FMFBI Man 1
Sorry to bother you like this, but I was wondering that Willie Tanner might be in?
FMFBI Man 1
[turns around Willie] You have the right to remain silent.
[sees the FBI handcuff Willie] Please! Leave him alone.
FMFBI Man 1
We'll just be a minute. Let's go, pal.
FMFBI Man 2
We'll take this, too.
FMFBI Man 2
Sorry for the trouble man. [pushes Willie out of the house as he is getting ready to be sent to jail]
FMFBI Man 2
It's the law, ma'am.
FMFBI Man 1
This is what happens when someone threatens national security. [leaves and closes the door] Nice meeting you.
[from outside] Hello, Mrs. Ochmonek.
What's going on out here?
Boy! Those HBO guys mean business.
[Kate sees Willie in jail]
I can't believe ALF used your shortwave to call the president?
Shhh! All I know is somebody used my radio. I'm a criminal. They'll hang me.
Willie, stop! It's obvious your going to have to tell the truth.
Of course, the truth. I'll just explain to them. An alien took control of my radio. "And why did he do that?" they'll ask and I'll say "I wouldn't let him use the phone."
Maybe we can clear it up, without I'll him telling the truth.
The truth is I never should have let ALF anywhere near my-
Maybe it was wrong of ALF to call the president.
Okay, it was wrong. But you have to respect his feelings about nuclear war.
It's commendable that he's willing to send me to jail for his beliefs.
At least he cares about something other than food.
Great. Now he cares about nuclear war and food.
FMFBI Man
[walks over to Kate] Sorry ma'am, I need a moment alone with the alleged traitor.
[walks away] Willie, I'll be right back. I'll check on the lawyer. You wait here. [reappears] Right, sorry. [leaves]
FMFBI Man
Good afternoon, ALF. I need to talk with you about this. Just who are these people and why all they on the phone all the time?
Well, what it quarrels down to is, we got to take a closer look at our bills.
[pops up] Hey. What's going on in here?
We're having a family meeting.
Oh, I get it. Freeze out the alien. I guess I'm not part of the family.
ALF, we thought you were watching The Three Stooges.
I turned it off. Somehow I just can't buy Shemp as a surgeon.
Curley was a senator once.
True. And Mo was speaker of the house.
Could we put it off with the stooge talk here for a minute.
Certainly. [mumbles and laughs]
We'd like to get back to our meeting.
Oh yeah, the one I wasn't invited too.
It's about, it's about our family budget.
What did you think I was going to do? Dominate the conversation? Be a nuisance?
No ALF, nobody thought---
Throw out a lot of useless suggestions, interrupt everybody!!?
Never let anyone get a word in edgewise!!?
ALF, you can come to the meeting.
No thanks. [ducks down from the window]
Let's just take a look at our electric bill for example it's 3 times what it used to be.
Maybe it's the porch light you leave on every time I go out.
And we've been keeping the thermostat down to 70.
And I turn off the dryer as soon as I wake up.
Well, we're just going. The, the dryer? What do you mean turn off the dryer? Why, why would you even turn it on?
To keep me company at night. Why? Is 8 hours too long?
What if I just leave it on delicates?
Leave it off. Now, let's get back to the rest of our money problems.
No chance of your getting a better job I suppose.
I like my job. The money's fine. Who made this call to Munich? Munich, Germany?
Munich? That has to be a mistake.
Remember the vacuum cleaner I broke?
Well, the repair place said they couldn't get the chicken salad out of the impeller blade and they had to send it to Germany for an overhaul.
That doesn't explain why you'd call Germany.
Hey, I believe in following things through.
Let's move on to another problem. Food.
I'm gonna go get some cookies. [he gets up and gets some cookies]
I don't think that all of us are aware how much food costs.
We're all out of macaroons. All we got are chocolate chips.
Let alone how much food is being consumed for that matter.
[while eating] Is something wrong?
You're eating all our food!
I'm beginning to realize what this is all about. The fingers are being pointed in the direction of the furry visitor. You think I'm a parasite!
No one thinks you're a parasite.
Well, freeloader's closer.
That's what you called him last week!
Let's just settle on parasite and move on.
Fine. If you want me, I'll be in my room. Not wasting money. [walks off]
Chores, fine for the Beaver but not exactly tycoon territory. Ah, I've gotta find a way to earn money now. But how? Looking for a way to earn money now? Call this toll-free number. Opportunity knocks. [he dials the phone] Well, hello! Yeah, uh, when do I start? Huh? Oh, oh, ALF. My name is ALF. Yeah. Have I earned any money yet? What do you mean I have to sell something first? Alright, fine. Send it here and I'll sell it. Uh, 167 Hemdale. It's a beige house. You can't miss it. Yeah, great. Oh, oh, wait a minute. Before I forget. One more question. What am I gonna be selling?
[as she sees ALF with a package] ALF, what are you doing with cosmetics?
Huh? Oh, didn't I tell you? I got a job. I'm a Terry Faith girl.
I thought you were an alien.
Why can't I have the best of both worlds?
But, ALF, how can you sell Terry Faith cosmetics?
Lynn, honey, I know exactly what you're gonna say. I can't do the public number, right? Ha! Well, just send that worry packing. I make it all happen over the phone.
But don't you have to know something about makeup before you can sell it?
That's the great thing about this company. They welcome ignorance. Have you ever had a Terry Faith facial?
Can't say that I have. You don't know anything about this stuff.
Honey, honey, that's why we have this book. "The Wonderful World Of Terry Faith Cosmetics." Let's check it out here. Here we go. [reads the book] "Terry Faith was born outside of Dayton, Ohio at a bend in the road near the turn of the century."
What does it says about how to give a facial?
Don't you wanna hear about the early years?
Let's skip to the facial part.
Here we go. "Chapter I, the facial part." Here, hold this. Let's see here. This must be the stuff. Come on, Lynn, get down here. Let's give it a shot. It says apply liberally to customer's face and neck. What do you think?
[while putting makeup on Lynn] Yeah, yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah, here it's going on real smooth.
Okay. Okay, apply liberally.
Alright, that's what I'm doing. Alright. Alright. Here we go. I'm applying it. Okay. Good. Okay. Good. Now, uh, now for cheek color I think Terry suggests something like, uh Evening Lobster.
Not yet, not yet. Now, I want you to suck in those cheeks real tight. Like this. Superb. Let's do this. Here we go. Oh, oh, yeah. Yeah.
[ALF is making a cake for Willie and Kate's anniversary]
Well, it's only toothpaste. Kate, Willie, you can come out now.
[offscreen] Be right there.
[singing as Kate and Willie enter the living room] Happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy, happy anniversary, happy happy happy happy happy anniversary!
Cut, cut, cut. what's going on here?
Lyrics too complicated? Happy Anniversary! [pop] Yeah!
Well ALF, this is all very nice.
Yes, thank you, but the only problem is-
Problems, shmoblems sit down and relax. The old ALFer's doing it all tonight.
The cooking, the serving, the cleaning, course when you two get into the bedroom, you're on your own. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
[walks over to Willie and Kate] What's going on?
It looks like that the old ALFer is throwing us a surprise anniversary party.
Just a little informal nothing. Lobster pate?
Aren't you two going out tonight?
Well ALF, that's what we're trying to tell you we have plans to see Nicholas Nickleby.
The tickets were very hard to get.
We appreciate all the trouble you've gone to. Cutting roses so they look like radishes.
And making pate. Good pate, too. What's in it? Let me guess. There's lobster, sour cream, but there's something else.
The fluorescent kind. I wanted it to be special.
[ALF gets ready to meet Jody]
9 sharp, not an alien. 9 sharp, not an alien.
Not-not an alien. Oh, I mean, oh, it's ALF.
[opens the door] ALF, hi! I'm Jody.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
Please, you don't have to bow.
Don't forget, we're gonna talk about my birthday.
No problem. So, Brian, your birthday is Thursday. How old are you gonna be?
Gosh! How'd you blow out 229 candles?
Eh, blowing them out was easy. Lightning them was trouble. By the time you're half finished, your wrist is on fire. [laughs] I kill me!
Have you decided what you want on your cake Brian?
Frosting! [he and ALF laugh]
Brian, your mother wants to know what kind of decorations you want on your cake. Robin Hood, Hopalong Cassidy, Archie, and Jughead.
People mom and dad went to school with.
Perhaps those outdated examples.
Hey, what about my favorite character on the cake? Ruth, the two-headed nurse.
Yeah, she was the Vanna White on Melmac, and the Betty White.
Why don't we let Brian choose his own cake decorations?
I can't decide right now.
If he hasn't decided by noon tomorrow, we go with Ruth.
Give me 5! [Brian high-fives him] Yeah!
Give me 4! [ALF high-fours him]
