Did I ever tell you guys about Thanksgiving on Melmac?
Thanksgiving on Melmac wasn't called Thanksgiving. It was called Fappiano. And we didn't eat turkey. Instead, we sat down to a nice, big, juicy, stuffed-
Time out! We know exactly what you're gonna say, ALF. And you know that we find that offensive.
Cat! Big, juicy, stuffed, cat.
But now we'll never know, will we? I was always partial to the dark meat.
[picks up the covered empty turkey] Something's wrong here. This, this turkey feels so light.
Well, you have been working out.
[stops ALF from leaving] Hold it right there, mister. Willie, he ate our Thanksgiving turkey. Raw.
That is the worst thing you have ever done.
Willie, every time you say that, it loses a little more impact.
Tradition! On Fappiano, you ate from the time you got up until all the presents were opened. Incidentally, I didn't see any presents under the Fappiano tree. I didn't even see a tree!
I'll, uh...I'll try to find another turkey.
And don't forget the tree! And the presents!
There will be no tree. There will be no presents. I don't think there will even be a turkey. [leaves]
This is gonna be some Fappiano.
[arrives at the house and gets ready to meet ALF] Hello. [ALF pretends to bark] There's, uh, no need to pretend. I'm not...gonna hurt you. And I'm sure you're not gonna...hurt me. [ALF pretends to bark again] Oh! It's okay. I'm friendly...so are you. [ALF whimpers] Look, I know you can talk. I heard ya.
Relax. I'm a friend of Willie's.
You're that bum who's been hanging around our trash cans.
Hey! Huh. Bums have friends.
I was talking to him just, a-a, a minute ago. [clears throat] About this tall, glasses, social worker.
Oh, well, he-he's the one who, [pause] told me to, [pause] come in here and, [pause] keep you company.
Willie told you about me?
Ah, well, not, specifically which planet you're from but, I figure it's a cold planet because of your fur. Your feet are suited to a muddy terrain. They're probably reddish-brown so that you'd, uh, blend in. Your large ears suggest a thin atmosphere that doesn't transmit sound waves very well. And the big nose indicates a scarcity of oxygen.
Hey! Watch the wisecracks about the schnoz.
Oh, uh, uh, sorry. No offense, uh, intended. It's a lovely schnoz.
Thank you. Yours is nice too.
Thank you. So, let's see. I'd, uh, I'd guess you were from planet [pause] K-171.
K-171? Oh, you mean Neesbeck. Hah! There's no intelligent life on Neesbeck!
I've been there. Their national bird is dust.
Well, then what planet are you from?
Melmac. But don't spread it around, okay?
Good. You have any idea what would happen if people found out about me?
Have you ever heard of the Alien Task Force?
Alien Task...Force? No, I don't believe I have. What do they do?
Well, they hunt down innocent aliens, and do bad, bad things to them.
[he and Brian come in the living room] Have you seen the peanut butter? ALF, who's that?
Oh, this is my new friend Pete Finnegan. Flakey, this is Brian Tanner and Jake Ochmonek.
Let he who is without flakiness cast the first stone.
ALF, you're not supposed to let strangers in the house.
Relax, Brian, the Flakemeister's not gonna tell anyone I'm an alien. He's a friend of Willie's.
Oh, yeah? You know Mr. Tanner?
Oh, yeah, sure. Very well. Matter of fact, this is his sweater.
What happened to your Thanksgiving dinner?
Uncle Rocky's still carvin' it. Come on, Brian, let's go spoil our appetites.
[leaves] Yeah...likewise.
[at the end, Flakey Pete leaves the Tanners' home]
Well, now, if you need anything, you got my card.
Oh, thanks, but I'll be fine.
Are you sure you can't stay?
Oh, thanks, ALF, but, no. I usually spend this time of year in Florida. Lots of rich widows with loose change and full of the holiday spirit.
[closes the door] Gee, I hope he keeps in touch.
I'm sure he will. He took our phone.
Kate, this lasagna looks really great!
Very well worth the interminable wait.
I asked you twice to stop doing that.
What? We're just having a pre-dinner chat.
You know what I mean. Rhyming everything I say.
No problem, Willie. Have it your way.
Kate?! [Kate enters] Kate, he's doing it again.
He's rhyming the last word of everything I say. Go ahead, ALF. [to Kate] He's been doing it all day! Now he's got me doing it!
[comes home, angry] What a creep! I never want to see him again! [she heads upstairs]
I guess Lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
We should go see if she's all right. [she and Willie head upstairs]
Oh, sure. When Kate makes a rhyme, it's no big deal. [Willie stares at him, then leaves] Just for that, I'm eating your meal. [he takes Willie's lasagna]
[ALF comes in the kitchen with a razor while Willie is fixing a machine that has a banana peel inside]
Hey, Willie. When's the last time you changed the blades in this razor?
Oh, my razor is- [he grabs the razor from ALF and sees ALF's hair on it] Why were you shaving?
According to Shelley, women like clean-shaven men.
[he furiously looks too close at ALF's face] Don't ever touch anything that touches my face.
ALF! [comes in angrily] How could you do this to me?
I couldn't find my own roll-on.
I have got a date to go bowling with Donny Ducksworth, the geekiest guy in school, thanks to my brother, ALF.
That's what he told Donny when he called him on the phone.
[angrily] I DID NOT WANT TO!
Well, you said you liked the guy.
I said I liked Danny Duckworth. You called Donny his cousin.
Danny, Donny, Florence, Shelley, I'm getting a headache. I think I'll go lie down.
Hold it right there bro, I think you have one more phone call to make this thing straighten down out.
It's too late, Mom. Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.
That was my idea! I hope you like paisley!
[pops his head up and becomes nosy during Lynn's date] Hi.
What are you doing in this car?
Hey, I'm trapped here, so let's just make the best of it, ok?
You are gonna ruin everything.
What's to ruin? We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.
This is a drive-in. It's just like a regular movie, except you stay in your car.
Well, at least I can order food. Yo, Jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.
That speaker is for the movie.
Oh. Hey, can you roll Animal House for the blue station wagon?
Get down! Danny's gonna be back any minute.
Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter 9, laying the trap.
I don't need your help or Shelley's.
Do I have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight if it weren't for our help?
Do the words, "Go fish, Brian" ring a bell?
[comes out of the kitchen] Why is Lucky's water dish in the microwave?
I already looked for ALF. I can't find him anywhere.
Well, did you check under our bed?
Willie, Lynn took our car to the drive-in.
Oh, sure. She'll take ALF to the drive-in, but not me.
[doorbell rings]
Kate, you answer the door. I'll go to the drive-in and get ALF. I can't go to the drive-in, Lynn's got the car.
You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue but I still think we need a second car. [opens the door to reveal it's Trevor]
Oh, Trevor. Trevor, could we borrow your car?
Whatever happened to, "Hi, neighbor, how are ya? How was the hunting trip? Here's your mail?"
Oh, I'm-I'm sorry. Hi, neighbor, how are ya?
How was your hunting trip?
Well, we left last Saturday. And the first thing that happened was we pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire. Took Raquel a half hour to fix it. Then everything was fine until we get up around Big Pine. We got onto Highway 190 and about 15 miles down the road we ran smack into a detour. Right down a gravel road.
Now, can we borrow your car?
Don't you wanna hear about the gravel road?
[at the end, ALF and Brian have their own drive-in at home]
No, no! Don't open that door!
Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.
What are you guys doing out here?
This is our drive-in theater.
Yeah, and you two snuck in. I'm calling the manager.
Do you mind if we join you? [he and Kate join ALF and Brian's drive-in in the car]
Ok, but don't hog the popcorn. And don't fog up the windows back there!
Thank you, thank you. And welcome to the 2nd Annual Tanner Invitational Croquet Tournament. [everyone cheers] Ok. Introducing the defending champions, Lynn and Brian Tanner.
Alright! And the challengers, Kate and, of course, Willie Tanner. Boo! Hiss! Murder the bums!
I thought referees were supposed to be impartial.
[blows whistle] That's it. Mouthing off.
I think we need a referee with at least a nodding acquaintance with the rules. Now, see here. Croquet happened to be Melmac's biggest sport. Only there it was called muck sucking.
Hey, I didn't name it. Is it played the same?
Except you need and Bob Eubanks. Oh, oh. And the swing was slightly different. Here, I'll show you. Block me, Willie.
[gets knocked down after ALF hits him] Uhh!
Now you see why it was called muck sucking.
Lynn, help me get your dad in the house.
I'll have a look at him there.
I just want to be a safe distance from you. If there is such a place. [he, Kate, and Lynn leave the backyard]
Guess it's just you and me, you little muck sucker.
I don't want to play with you, ALF. You're too dangerous. [leaves]
Oh, what a day. First, I broke Willie's windshield, then I broke Willie's power saw. Now I broke Willie. Sometimes I think the Tanners would be better off without me. Sometimes I wish I'd never come here. [throws croquet stick up in the air] I wish, I wish, [the croquet stick hits himself knocking him unconscious] I wish I could figure out this thing called gravity. [falls down to the ground]
[ALF comes in the house, injured, and wonders his life would be without the Tanners]
Oh, holy-owned subsidiary. You think your shin hurts, Wilco. Take a gander at the knot on my noggin.
Will you please pass the hearts of palm, father?
Did the temperature just drop in here? And how did you get Brian to eat hearts of palm?
Save room for the crème brûlée everyone.
Oh, I, for one, certainly will.
Well, excuse me for bleeding. [leaves the dining room] What is this, freeze out the reckless alien?
What a lot of food. There's certainly going to be a lot left.
We wouldn't have any leftovers if we had a dog.
Right. We'd eat the dog in one sitting. Ha ha! Isn't anyone going to get repulsed? Come on Tanners, talk to me.
They can't seem to hear you, ALF.
[screams] Help! Help! There's a stranger in the house! I've been unveiled!
They can't see me, either.
Willie! Uh, uh, grease fire! Grease fire! Funny, that usually gets a big reaction.
No, I don't believe any of this, who are you?
My name is Bob, I'm your guardian angel.
Right, I'm the Easter alien.
Well, I don't have all day. Are you ready?
To start your new life. I'm here to grant you the wish you made this morning.
You got me a date with Sheena Easton?
Do you recall these words, "I wish that i had a different life"?
Alright, I'm paraphrasing. If you must know your exact words. [reading a note] Sometimes I wish that I'd never come here. I wish, I wish-" Bonk. Y-Bonk? Oh, yes. That's when the mallet hit you. Now, do you remember saying that?
I say so many things. I'm a scorpio you know.
Well, your wish has been granted. History has been revised, and your life with the Tanners never happened. Well, we better be going.
Yeah. Ok, fine. Just give me a minute to say good-bye. Alright, I give up. You made your point. Tell the guy from Ghost-O-Gram over there to go home.
It's no use, ALF. They can't see you. If you don't believe me, look in the mirror. [he and ALF look at the Tanners eating dinner in the mirror]
Strange. I thought I broke that mirror.
It is broken! I don't see our reflections! Eek! We're vampires!
No, we're not vampires. We don't cast reflections because we don't exist in this place.
Well, if I don't exist, these poor people must be miserable.
You know, our lives have turned out better than I ever dreamed would have been possible.
I agree. We have 2 wonderful kids, a comfortable income, this great house with no aliens living in it.
Oh, by the way, thanks again for the maserati.
Is it ok if I give Julie my porsche?
Thanks. It's her birthday and I forgot to get her a card.
Ok, so they've got a little more money.
[Bob and ALF are in heaven]
I'll just get this paperwork out of the way, and it's a done deal.
Try not to panic, Bob, but I think we're on fire.
Huh? Oh, don't worry. Those are just clouds.
Well, I guess I've looked at these from both sides now.
Incidentally, your hobby is racing lear jets. Last book read, Zen and the Art of Acquisitions. Favorite quote, "Greed works."
You know, this new life is gonna be great. I'm gonna be rich, drive a big car. Make a note, call Sheena Easton. No, no. First, I'll call the Tanners and invite them over for pizza. Then we'll call Sheena Easton.
I'm afraid that isn't possible.
Well, fine. Then call Kelly girl. Tell them to send over Kelly McGillis and Kelly Lebrock.
I mean you won't be able to invite the Tanners over. After the transition you won't remember them.
Oh, sure I will. Just because I'm gonna be rich doesn't mean I'll forget the little people.
I'm afraid you will, ALF. You'll forget the tanners and everything about your former life. Everyone's a little nervous at first. I'm sure you're going to be very happy in your new life.
I can't imagine being happy in a life without the Tanners.
Oh, come off it, ALF. Think of your secretary, think of your profit margins, think of your other secretary. And you saw how well the tanners were doing without you.
Well, I guess you're right. But can I at least go back and see them one last time?
I've got to join a frequent flier club.
