[Eric is in his playpen crying and Willie tries to hush him]
Aw! Shh. Eric, don't. Don't. Don't cry. Daddy's here. Look at this face. Look at this funny face.
[comes up to Willie] A Roseanne Barr impression's only gonna anger him more.
I'm not impersonating Roseanne Barr.
I'm not impersonating anyone. I'm trying to get Eric to stop crying.
Have you tried leaving the room? Ha! Lighten up, Willie, huh? Borrow a sense of humor, man.
I'm not in the mood right now, okay?
You want me to get him to stop?
No, no. Sometimes babies need to cry. They just need to exercise their lungs.
Oh, why, that's fascinating. [Eric cries loudly but ALF yells at him] Quiet! [Eric laughs] It's all in the delivery. If you need me, I'll be in the fridge.
Hey, Kate. What's for dinner?
Your dinners highlight my day, Kate. But then again, I have no life.
You know what I'd love to have for dinner tonight?
I guess I'm just gonna have to tell my boss that I can't show any more houses until we get a babysitter.
Don't worry, we'll find somebody.
You think we're offering too little? Maybe we should be paying more than $6 an hour.
Hey, hold it! Flag on the play. You're paying these people? I'll do it.
Did you call all the college papers, and every college-
Perhaps you didn't hear me. Thus, I'll say it again. I'll baby-sit.
No, I don't think so, ALF. It's nothing personal, it's just- Well, I guess it is personal.
Call us crazy, ALF. We just feel that we should have a human babysitter what with Eric being human and all.
Oh, I see. And have you thought about what happens to me, while that human babysitter rummages trough my fridge?
What do you mean your fridge?
Okay, it's your fridge, but the fuzz in the meat drawer is mine.
When the babysitter's here, you're gonna have to be in the attic.
Oh, great, prison. Why don't you just stick me in a sweatbox?
We're all making adjustments, ALF. You're not gonna be up there all that much.
ALF, cut the dramatics. I'm just gonna be working part time.
But I've got an instinctive rapport with kids. It's a gift that all Melmacians share. That and the ability to suck milk through our noses.
My, you are blessed, aren't you?
As passionate as your argument sounds, ALF, the answer's still no.
Why? Because you're irresponsible. You trash the house. You flooded the living room. You wallpapered the shower.
It was a rhetorical question.
[Kate is in the nursery holding Eric]
Okay. Aw, there you go. There you go. There you go.
[comes in] Aw, there's nothing more beautiful than the sight of a mother holding her freshly-swaddled babe to her bosom.
Leave my bosom out of this, ALF. You're not babysitting Eric.
No. No, I've, I've draped him over my shoulder, I've laid him across my lap, I've bounced him. Eric just doesn't want to burp.
Hey, mind if I show you a trick?
The last time you showed me a trick it took 3 weeks for my eyebrows to grow back.
I told you not to lean in. Come on, now. At no time will the baby leave my hands.
Spot him, Lynn. [she hands Eric to ALF]
Hey, Eric, how you doing? Having a little gassy backup today? [Eric burps] Huzza, huzza. Who was that masked man? Next case.
[picks up Eric from ALF] Whoo-hoo! Broccoli.
So when do I start? By the way, Thursdays are bad for me. I do tai chi.
Granted, ALF, you give good burp but that doesn't qualify you to take care of an infant.
Kate, it can't be any different than taking care of my younger brother and sister. And they had 16 stomachs between them and one bathroom. Think about it.
[goes to the nursery as he finds Eric crying] Hey, hey, hey! What's the matter, little guy? Whoa! Sorry, Los Angeles. Phew! Alright, I might be a little rusty. First the easy part. Whoa! Number 2 with a bullet. Alright, let me just swab the deck, okay? The old swabber. [Eric laughs as ALF changes his diaper ] There you go. Yeah, yeah. Now a, a little powder under your tush. [coughs as he puts baby powder on Eric's butt] Alright, here we go. A little powder under my tush. Yeah. Okay, now, a nice, clean diapie. Try to keep it that way. You know, this isn't so bad. I know I feel better. Yeah, you're a happy guy, aren't you? Yes, okay. You amuse yourself while I bury this bomb. Clear the area. Coming through. Watch your back.
[Lynn and Brian arrive home]
I can't believe you forgot your mitt.
They never play me anyway.
Here, catch. [throws the mitt to Brian] Better. I'm gonna go get Eric. [goes upstairs] ALF! ALF! Hm! I can't find ALF. He's probably somewhere out back. [picks up Eric from the crib] Hey, sweetie. [she arrives at the living room while Brian is angrily stepping on his mitt] Brian, tell ALF that mom called and asked me to get Eric. And you might want to take the price tag off the mitt. And hurry.
[angrily] YES, YOUR HEINIE.
[from outside] I heard that!
[yelling as he hears the car honking from outside] ALF! WE TOOK THE BABY! I'M COMING! I'M COMING!
Well, that should take care of the pesky gophers. [goes upstairs to Eric's room and he finds out that Eric is gone] Eric, I'm back! Did you have time to reload? Eric? Eric! Eric! Eric! Oh, he's gone! What have I done? Eric! Well, so much for keeping my powder dry. Eric!
[ALF is stuck in the chimney while he is finding Eric]
Eric! Eric, are you up here? Eric, this isn't funny anymore.
Oh, hi, Willie. Whatever you do, don't go to the Chrysler Building in New York.
What are you doing in the chimney?
Well, it has nothing to do with Eric if that's what you're getting at. Willie! Willie! Can you get me out of here?
[at the end, ALF is sleeping in Eric's playpen with Eric]
You think the day will ever come that he'll be able to walk out of here unafraid? Won't have to hide anymore?
I hope so. It's what keeps me going. Come on, let's get your jammies on. Let's get your jammies on. Daddy's going to come, too. [she and Willie leave] Yeah. Yeah.
[yawns] Ah! Oh, sorry, Eric. I must've dozed off. Eric! Eric! Oh, no! Not again! What are the odds? Got to get that kid a beeper.
[comes out the kitchen with a tabloid] Hi.
Oh, hi, ALF. We're gonna go out to Brian's game and then out for pizza. You want us to bring you anything?
I'm too depressed to eat.
Ah, they're fooling around with the universe. Read this travesty of journalism I foundin this week's Inquisitor.
[reading tabloid] "Amazon women found on Alpha Centauri." So?
Everyone knows Alpha Centauri is just a bunch of bowling alleys and divorced guys!
Oh, ALF, when will you learn not to take anything in those tabloids seriously? And when I hide something in the bottom of the garbage. I expect it to stay there.
Alright, here. But I can't give you back the melon rinds. That ship has sailed.
[goes to the backyard and finds ALF hiding inside the box] Too bad this isn't a pine box.
Could we discuss this after you've calmed down and I've had time to make travel arrangements?
How could you do this to Willie after all the things that he's done for you?
I knew you'd finger me. Hence the box. But you're wrong, Kate. I didn't turn him in. Friends?
You saw the show, you grilled Lynn and Brian, you jumped to conclusions, and SOMEBODY DID CALL THE FBI!
Well, sure, when you group them all together like that it sounds bad. But I was only trying to keep him from running away.
Willie is not a polygamist.
Oh, sure, Kate! But just in case he's gone forever, we still have his memories. And his house. And we can find a way to keep it if you agree to work nights.
I cannot talk to you now. I am too mad!
Is that 24-hour mad or dissect-the-alien mad?
If you wake up, you'll know. [she leaves the backyard]
[while using the computer] Congratulations. Your account shows you are up by $5000. Yes! Yes! Care to make another buy? Are you kidding? Does Willard Scott wear a toupee?
[comes in the garage] ALF.
Oh, hi, Willie. You're just in time to see me launch a hostile takeover. Whatever that is! [Willie turns off the computer] Hey, I was right in the middle of my game!
This is not a game, you've tapped into my stock-market service. You're investing my money!
I'm playing with real money? What a great game!
You know, you can beat a point to death.
I'm not gonna let you put my house, my family my whole life into jeopardy! Now, tell me, just tell me. How much?
$5000. Ahead. We're players, Willie. Players! I knew you'd be happy.
But you could've lost everything, ALF. Let's just take this as an unexpected windfall and stop!
But I finally found a way to make an honest living. Now, granted, you'd be taking all the risks. But that's the beauty of it! Come on, Willie. Cut me loose. Let me fly. Let my people go.
Okay, ALF. You can continue to play the market.
Alright. Way to hang, Willie boy!
But only on paper! That means no money. A pencil, a calculator, a visor if you want. Did I mention no money?
[Willie leaves the garage]
Kate, do you know anything about this letter?
[reading a letter] "Dear Mr. Tanner, Enclosed please find confirmation numbers for stocks purchased this week."
Willie, I thought we were gonna consult each other before doing anything stupid.
Well, it's got to be a mistake.
Probably a 3 foot furry mistake.
Sometimes I think we should just sign everything over to him and slip away in the middle of the night.
